I am 30, married to a 27 year old, and we have been for five years, together for 7, and close friends for 12.
Our marriage has had its share of issues. I moved from the U.S. to Canada to be with her. We had snags and tangles with my Permanent Residency which finally cleared in May of 2010. During the times when I could make any form of money, I would, no matter how small. When I wasn't busy, I would keep the place clean, cook her dinner, things that could be done by me after she had a long day at work. She always seemed appreciative.
There was an issue about her though, that affected me greatly. Any sort of "change" in her life would throw her into a crying fit. Even our first night in our apartment, all she could do was sit there and cry because it's "too new". I figured it was just a phase and consoled her, telling her that this is all new to me, too, and that it's fine to be worried when you're in a foreign place. She even did this on our wedding night, rocking back and forth on the bed and crying. I honestly didn't know what to think then, but all that was on my mind was making her feel better and helping her through it.
She was on medication(anti-depressants) for years for depression, and made a decision to come off of them. A month after she did, she suffered a nervous breakdown in our first year of marriage. She completely stopped functioning. It scared my soul right out of me, and for the first couple of times, we had to go back to her parents house so she could "recover". This phase of "recovering" lasted for months and she still does it to this day, running away instead of facing her problems and fears. I started to feel helpless, and as a result, I shut my own emotions down so that I could focus on her. It felt like any little thing said or done would send her into a fit, and I couldn't even move at one point. It was like I was trapped, like we were trapped.
Things continued seemingly normally for a year or two afterwards, we got a new, better place, a couple of cats, but there was a strange change in her. She started becoming addicted to Facebook to the point of nigh-obsession, and even if we were talking, her head was still in her laptop. There's been a few times where I've closed the lid on it and told her to "talk to me".
There have been moments where she woke up saying "I have anxiety" or "I'm depressed". I attempt to talk and help her, and instead get a "I don't know" or "you wouldn't understand". It frustrated and hurt me to think that she was afraid to confide in me. We began to fight constantly, and with each fight, walls kept getting put up.
Then she lost her job in 2011 to a layoff. She was devastated, and while I understood that, having dealt with that myself, I still did my best to help talk to her. Instead, she just continued running to her parents house. This continued for months, and during that time I was working a job with a lot of physical stress. I have a bad knee, shoulder, and wrist, and there were days where coming home was constant agony. I'd limp to the couch to take pressure off of my swollen and throbbing joints only to get a rather insincere sounding "poor baby". Eventually the problems went from a couple times a week, to a few times a week, to daily. I was worried that if things got worse, I'd be jeapordizing my own health. I told her that I needed her to try and find a job, to help out, because I couldn't afford to take time off. But during that period, she was spending every waking day with her mother when she wasn't at school(she's a college student). Her excuse was "I'm a full-time student", yet she was only at school for 2-4 hours a day, with one day lasting 7. It devastated me, that while I'm physically falling apart she preferred to remain unemployed, spending time around her parents and their home as opposed to actually trying to lend a hand. The laziness cut me like a knife. I wished that one day she would see what I was going through, and the torment she put me through.
I began to despair, and began drinking heavily. Though she had brought up the drinking before, we had a heart to heart where I told her why I was doing it, and it didn't sink in.
It was her. It was how I have felt emotionally starved. How I felt I had to be the "rock" in our relationship, and how anytime she was having a problem, I would try to help, and just get stonewalled. I never understood it. The issues scared the hell out of me, but the fact that she was unwilling to work on them and keep running away was frustrating. There were even times where I would try to circumvent her running away to her parents, trying to get her to realize that I can help her here and she doesn't have to run away. It never got through to her.
This past year was an ugly one. I lost my job due to a layoff. She finally found one, but it was 12 hours a week(roughly 2-4 hours a day depending on where her job was). The rest of her time was spent at her parents house. When I needed her more than ever, I felt abandoned. Our place turned to shambles over time, and even when it was clean, it was completely my effort while she sat there, nose deep in Facebook once again.
It all came to a head on Tuesday, with another fight. This one was completely her fault, and she admitted it, but she kept attempting to apologize away the fact that while she acted like she was there for me, she really wasn't. It was like the point of no return. She was going to stay with her parents for the night. She proposed a "break".
We spoke the next night. I called in a panic, something just felt off and I needed to talk to her and see her. That was when she told me that she can't come back, she was going to move into her parents house, stay there, and then what she said next was the worst searing pain ever...
"We'll always be friends, and I'll always love you no matter what".
Friends don't do that to each other. I asked her to please tell me what I did wrong, and she said it was nothing, it wasn't me, it was her. We spoke for an hour and a half yesterday, where she seemed dead-set on this. I tried to get her to realize that a divorce is a lengthy process, she didn't seem to care. I told her for the millionth time why it's hard for me to share my feelings with her when she's like a block of ice. All she could do was say that she was sorry, and I told her that it's hard to realize that five years are being tossed aside and that a "sorry" is going to make it all better. It's like she's validating what she did all these years. She said she's wanted to leave for a long time. I have also wanted to leave her at points where I felt I couldn't take it anymore, but I went against that judgement with the belief that vows are vows, and you stick by that person no matter what.
I proposed counseling, and I also made the point that what she's doing affects two people, and she said back "No, this decision affects ONE person"...that person being the only person she seemingly really did care about...herself.
She also mentioned that she was going to find her identity, and that she needs to learn how to live on her own, which is odd, considering that she's done this for five years. She also told me that she's doing this because of what she did to me and she doesn't want it to happen to anybody else in her life in the future. She said that she is going to see a counselor herself, but I don't know what it will accomplish. She has been through relationship counseling herself with her ex-fiancee years ago and told me that she hated it, because, in her words, "the counselor said it was all my fault and took his side". She doesn't seem to want to go to marriage counseling, something that has been brought up in the past to where I avoided it because I felt that our problems were fixable with some trust and communication. Instead, things just broke down further.
I'm numb. The person who said I was her soulmate is seemingly tossing me away without a second thought or want to fix things. Every problem in our relationship has been fixable, and I honestly think it's that "fear of change" that kept doing it for her. I made the conscious decision to join AA for my own sake. She said she is going to Al-Anon.
I'm currently bobbling between the anger and shock phases. I thought I felt acceptance yesterday after a talk with my best friend, and another with my own mother. But I can't help but feel that the constant running away that she is doing will not help her, it's only placing her in a safe haven where she doesn't have to confront her fears or problems. She's being enabled to the fullest and it scares me.
What scares me even more is the fact that she seems incredibly unwilling to work on ANYTHING, now. I don't know if it's because it's still early, but our talk was the same as usual yesterday...feels like progress, but is really just more walls being put up because she seems to project the feeling that boxing her own self in is safer than admitting anything.
It's now been six days. As I write this at 7:20AM with my laptop on the kitchen counter, I think back to yesterday, when she was coming by to get some of her stuff. I told her I wouldn't be around, that I couldn't exactly see her right now. We ended up in passing, as our cat ran out to chase after her. This is somebody who is a self-professed animal lover, and all she could do was numbly watch as I had to go and gently pick the cat up and bring her back inside, consoling her.
I don't know what to do, TAM. I love her to death, but the lack of any form of empathy is frightening. She has abandoned me and our home, as well as our pets(two of which are solely hers, they were a birthday present last year). She keeps saying that "I'm doing this for me", and that she "doesn't want me to hurt anymore", but all she has done this past week is emotionally tear me to shreds.
I love her with all my broken heart, and even though I have a small flicker of hope that will keep me fighting, she keeps quickly dashing it with every chance she gets. What do I do?! The one thing that always remains in my mind since she left is how badly I want to help her and how little she wants me to.
Have you joined AA yet? I am speaking from experience, this is a very horrible, traumatic time – and one of the WORST things you can do is to use alcohol as a crutch. I had a bottle of wine a night when I first moved out, and it was like one long groundhog day – Go to work, son to bed, uncork wine, cry all night. Go to bed. Go to work, son to bed, uncork wine, forgot about what I cried about the night before – so I cried about the same thing – sometimes call people and cry – run out of wine, go to bed. It made everything so much worse. I was unable to even begin any real healing. Take care of you first – and then the healing will start.
I am very sorry you are going through this.
Have you heard about the 180? Check it out = it does help.
Have you joined AA yet? I am speaking from experience, this is a very horrible, traumatic time – and one of the WORST things you can do is to use alcohol as a crutch. I had a bottle of wine a night when I first moved out, and it was like one long groundhog day – Go to work, son to bed, uncork wine, cry all night. Go to bed. Go to work, son to bed, uncork wine, forgot about what I cried about the night before – so I cried about the same thing – sometimes call people and cry – run out of wine, go to bed. It made everything so much worse. I was unable to even begin any real healing. Take care of you first – and then the healing will start.
I am very sorry you are going through this.
Have you heard about the 180? Check it out = it does help.
Yes, I am going to my first AA meeting tomorrow night. And no, I haven't heard about the 180. I'll look into it.
She is going to a counselor herself as well, whether she gets anything from it is her perogative, I just truly hope that she does and maybe it will help her to understand what I'm going through and that this isn't the solution to her problems.
Conrad, her childhood wasn't half bad. Special little princess at times. But prone to anxiety, especially on a class trip when she was 15, she lost her mind when the class went to Montreal for a weekend. She said it was panic due to being away from home, but I think that it cut her like a knife and has kept her that way since.
Yes, I am going to my first AA meeting tomorrow night. And no, I haven't heard about the 180. I'll look into it.
She is going to a counselor herself as well, whether she gets anything from it is her perogative, I just truly hope that she does and maybe it will help her to understand what I'm going through and that this isn't the solution to her problems.
Conrad, her childhood wasn't half bad. Special little princess at times. But prone to anxiety, especially on a class trip when she was 15, she lost her mind when the class went to Montreal for a weekend. She said it was panic due to being away from home, but I think that it cut her like a knife and has kept her that way since.
Are you certain?
When someone behaves this way, they're quite often emotionally broken from something along the lines of an alcoholic parent, emotionally abusive parent, sex abuse, neglect, even some adoption issues can trigger this.
Losing her mind in Montreal indicates she has abandonment issues from childhood.
When someone behaves this way, they're quite often emotionally broken from something along the lines of an alcoholic parent, emotionally abusive parent, sex abuse, neglect, even some adoption issues can trigger this.
Losing her mind in Montreal indicates she has abandonment issues from childhood.
I am. I know that she had been on Prozac in her teens as well as Cipralex from about 18 to 25, when she decided to make the decision to get off of it. Unfortunately all it did was turn her into a sobbing mess, which led to the breakdown, but she saw the pills as "weakness" and continued on her way without them, which led us to this eventual roadblock.
I wasn't around very much once things started going to hell. She tried here and there, I tried here and there, but it was always full circle. Then for the past year and a half she has been avoiding me like the plague, always running to her parents house or hiding in Facebook.
The time away from you spent at her parents', the time spent on facebook, and suddenly wanting to be done without wanting to hear you out sounds spot on for an affair. Posted via Mobile Device
The time away from you spent at her parents', the time spent on facebook, and suddenly wanting to be done without wanting to hear you out sounds spot on for an affair. Posted via Mobile Device
Definitely sure there's nobody else. On her wall is all shares of articles from some of the causes she supports with the occasional status. Other than that though, no, there's definitely no other guy, I would have gotten a tip-off on that, for sure. We know a lot of the same people.
Well, Facebook isn't the only online tool to use if you are looking for or carrying on an affair. Just remain vigilant is my only advice in that arena.
Other than that...it sounds as though you have seen your fair share of trials and tribulations with this woman. You will receive a lot of great advice from many people on this site who have been in your shoes. Listen to their advice and their stories, but in the end, no one here knows your situation or your wife like you do. Make the decisions that are right for you.
That being said, my own two cents.... Your wife experienced some sort of trauma or abandonment at some point in her life. The school trip thing I'm not buying. Perhaps it is so painful for her that she has supressed it and doesn't even realize it. Whatever it was, her behaviors are not, for lack of a better word, "normal" - not for typically functioning adults. What affects her is bigger than you. It is bigger than her. And only she can be the one to know when the time has come to deal with and face her demons head on. It is out of your hands.
I came across a quote, the author unknown, that I think would serve you well to ponder over: "Sometimes there is a reason people are removed from your life. Think before you chase after them."
She is your wife. You are emotionally vested in her of course. But people have to learn to walk before they can run. She has to take these first steps on her own. Perhaps the distance from you will make her realize what she is losing. Time will tell, but you must give her that time. If you do not, you are only guaranteeing yourself the same results you have now. Safeguard and prepare yourself for the worst. If it turns out that she comes back and is willing to get the help she needs; great. If she chooses to walk away and never come back to you, then you are poised to be in that much better of a place. But willing, begging, and pleading her to come back won't work. For you or for her. Accept that you are at a crossroads, and accept that on either path you will be okay and happy once again. I wish you the best. Posted via Mobile Device
I thank you. I've known for some time that she wasn't a well functioning individual, but my love for her eclipsed the risk, in my mind.
The hurt she is putting me through is grandiose. I only hope and pray that she one day can realize that. I know it's naive to keep my hopes up, but that light of hope was why I tried and tried, until I eventually gave up. This seperation has me at a crossroads as well, where I can make one of two choices, I just don't know which one is the "right" one and it may never BE right.
I know you`re hurting SkyHigh and I know it`s heartbreaking but honestly I think if you are able to completely separate yourself from her for a significant amount of time you`re head will clear enough to realize you`ve just been given a new lease on life
Try not to think of your decision as right or wrong. Things we don't want to happen sometimes do, and we have to accept that. There are people we don't want to lose, but have to let go of. Not saying you should give up all hope, but it seems as though you have already suffered a great deal of pain. At some point you have to think of yourself in the name of self-preservation. Posted via Mobile Device
My alcoholism was a by-product of it, for starters...and though she wanted me to stop, it was near impossible at that point.
I have a neighbour in my building who is going through a divorce with roughly the same symptoms, he's been a great help. I just hope that I don't second-guess all of this.
Your story resembles mine quite a bit. I too am 30 years old and dealing with a wife just like yours. She has left me (again) recently. I'm a bit ahead of you in the emotional roller-coaster, and have gotten great education on this site and BPDfamily.com over the past few months (she left me back in January and came back).
Follow some of my posts around here and observe the realizations I've made.
For the time being, my only advice to you is: Cut all contact with your wife for at least 2 weeks. I'm not giving you a suggestion. This is what you MUST do to level the playing field before you can make any serious decision. Your wife has the upper hand even during separation and that cannot be a good thing.
You're clearly more vested into the relationship than she is. That's understandable, but not a good thing. You need to make this as fair as possible. Having no contact with her (absolutely none) will give you that ability over a couple of weeks. From that point on, the road is long but possible to travel.
8Likes
Wife just left me. 
