hurtnohio

I know that maybe I'm too forward on putting all my emotional ups and downs out here. For me, venting all of this stuff is a form of therapy, and it's cheaper than my "real" therapist (but I do continue to see her, too!).

I woke up this morning in a better place than I was over the weekend. I just feel like I'm going to be OK. Not sure why, but I've really been beating myself up for leaving. I know unless my wife gets her BPD addressed, our "marriage" would be nothing more than a legal agreement. I think our son deserves more than to see two miserable people forced to endure each other just for a legal agreement.

I still struggle sometimes with my religious upbringing. I was literally taught that you were supposed to stay together even if you were miserable (except for adultery). But the parents who taught me that ended up divorced anyway, except they only did it after I moved out and the damage to me had already been done. I had absorbed all the wrong lessons about marriage for 18 years...that it was nothing but duty, misery and endurance. I very rarely saw anything loving between my parents.

I guess seeing my mom and dad divorce after I was already married taught me that maybe what they said wasn't the best way to approach things. And if I had seen more healthy modeling in my formative years, I believe I may have picked up on some early warning signs about my wife's BPD while we were dating.

Anyway, this is all old ground. I'm feeling better about where I stand this morning. The road ahead won't be easy, but I'm not second-guessing myself so much today. Instead of sitting around and thinking, I've put together a checklist of things I need to tackle today to begin my new life. The logistical things like managing the new bank account, meeting with the lawyers, etc.

I still hate to think that I will forever be branded a "divorced" father, but it's better than living in the hell I've endured the last few years. I literally worried some days that she was going to call the cops on me over some made-up incident. That's just no way to live.

My current situation is in no way ideal, but for the first time in a long time, I'm not worried that my roommates are going to call the police on me.

That in itself is a pretty good indicator of how bad things had gotten!