I'm sorry dude but your wife is making out with other men and not giving a crap about how you feel and you're wondering if you should go ahead with the divorce?!!
I'm sorry dude but your wife is making out with other men and not giving a crap about how you feel and you're wondering if you should go ahead with the divorce?!!
Really?!
I know it makes no sense.
I feel that I shoulder some responsibility for her actions (yes, she's to blame too) because I've done nothing but send signals and messages to her that indicate I'm the same guy that didn't show her enough love in the past, and that I'm not willing to do the work for a reconciliation.
That's the "old dog" in me. I know I'm capable to becoming a better, more loving partner, and want to do the work. But right now I want to prove it to her, not someone else.
Woe - not trying to cast blame on you when I say that there is a big difference between you seeing the light and you proving to her that you have changed.
What she sees in you more than anything else is that you dropped the divorce bomb on her, you knew what she needed but didn't try very hard, and you spied on her and went through her personal stuff.
I only say this to agree with others that you need some time to reinvent yourself in her eyes, and trying to move too quickly or worrying too much about what she's doing right now is not in your best interest.
I totally disagree with Acorn on this. Why are you blaming the victim?
While the OP may have contributed to SOME of the issues in the marriage, he shares NONE of the responsibility for his wife's decision to go outside the marriage! That's all on her!
For some people, ANY type of cheating is a deal breaker and that's what his wife did. She cheated and there is little doubt in my mind that her affair would have gone physical had it not been discovered. This is evidenced by her continual desire to hook up with multiple men and not even consider giving her husband a chance to (in your words) "prove that he has changed"
Actually, why shouldn't she have to prove to him that she isn't out wh0ring around anymore???
Let's stop kidding ourselves about the "spying" aspect of this too. Her sneaking around on her husband was OK though? Her LYING to her husband was OK? Please.
The only point I agree with is that the OP does need to improve on himself so he can be an even better partner for his next partner
Just got a call from her. Asked if I'd like to join her and my daughter for lunch. It's another example of how she pulls me back with kindness and affection. The cynical me thinks it's because she wants me around as the cash-cow/safety net when her newly-found relationships fizzle.
I totally disagree with Acorn on this. Why are you blaming the victim?
While the OP may have contributed to SOME of the issues in the marriage, he shares NONE of the responsibility for his wife's decision to go outside the marriage! That's all on her!
For some people, ANY type of cheating is a deal breaker and that's what his wife did. She cheated and there is little doubt in my mind that her affair would have gone physical had it not been discovered. This is evidenced by her continual desire to hook up with multiple men and not even consider giving her husband a chance to (in your words) "prove that he has changed"
Actually, why shouldn't she have to prove to him that she isn't out wh0ring around anymore???
Let's stop kidding ourselves about the "spying" aspect of this too. Her sneaking around on her husband was OK though? Her LYING to her husband was OK? Please.
The only point I agree with is that the OP does need to improve on himself so he can be an even better partner for his next partner
I think if you re-read you will see that OP has "seen the light", he doesn't want to let go, and wants her back.
HE wants HER back.
I have a feeling in time he will come to believe that he deserves better in a marriage. But for now, if the stated goal is to get her back, I stand by the advice of improving and showing her that he's a changed man.
I'm sorry dude but your wife is making out with other men and not giving a crap about how you feel and you're wondering if you should go ahead with the divorce?!!
Really?!
Wonder where he'd get an idea like that?
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Today, 02:44 PM #661 (permalink)
synthetic
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 854
Re: I should just divorce her
vi,
Today I'm having a tough time understanding her cold demeanor yesterday.
She's showing no vulnerability. Is she really that strong? Does she really feel nothing? Was the whole marriage a lie? WTF is going on here?
What boundaries do you think are appropriate in a separation?
Dating ok, kissing ok, no sex? What if you don't trust the other?
I see people talk about this....but ultimately in a separation no such boundaries are enforcable (as it sounds like you found out). Therefore, it's best not to even try to make them, IMHO, as it's a waste of time.
Agree with worrieddad. How the fvck do you know what your ex does when you are not around. No way to know. I think u should move on. And dont kidto yourself I bet you were a better husbsnd than you giving yourself credit 4. Posted via Mobile Device
I think if you re-read you will see that OP has "seen the light", he doesn't want to let go, and wants her back.
HE wants HER back.
I have a feeling in time he will come to believe that he deserves better in a marriage. But for now, if the stated goal is to get her back, I stand by the advice of improving and showing her that he's a changed man.
Acorn,
While I agree that he wants her back and in order to achieve that he may need to change some of his behaviors, what behaviors will SHE change? I dunno, how about STOP STEPPING OUTSIDE OF THE MARRIAGE?? That's as nice as I can put it,
Again, your post reads as if you're placing a good portion of the balme for HER AFFAIRS and INDISCRETIONS on HIM!
He is in NO WAY responsible for her decision to seek validation from other males. That's all on her! She could have chosen to leave the marriage first but she didn't and now it looks like she's keeping him around as the fall back plan!
While I agree that he wants her back and in order to achieve that he may need to change some of his behaviors, what behaviors will SHE change? I dunno, how about STOP STEPPING OUTSIDE OF THE MARRIAGE?? That's as nice as I can put it,
Again, your post reads as if you're placing a good portion of the balme for HER AFFAIRS and INDISCRETIONS on HIM!
He is in NO WAY responsible for her decision to seek validation from other males. That's all on her! She could have chosen to leave the marriage first but she didn't and now it looks like she's keeping him around as the fall back plan!
Look, OP is on record as saying he believes he shoulders some of the blame for the mess he's in, he wants her back, but he's not sure if it's too late. That's what I'm going on. If his wife were here, I'd tell her a few choice things too, but she's not, so...
My advice is simply this: If you know some things were causing her pain, fix them. See what happens. He can't control the stuff you are going on about, but he can control himself.
Also, at the risk of sounding overly sympathetic to the wife, trying to convince a woman that you have changed and want to be loving in ways you have never been before probably will not work while a pit bull lawyer is pushing full throttle toward a divorce that you filed. Either slow down and work on yourself, or file and be done with it. My opinion anyway.
Look, OP is on record as saying he believes he shoulders some of the blame for the mess he's in, he wants her back, but he's not sure if it's too late. That's what I'm going on. If his wife were here, I'd tell her a few choice things too, but she's not, so...
My advice is simply this: If you know some things were causing her pain, fix them. See what happens. He can't control the stuff you are going on about, but he can control himself.
Also, at the risk of sounding overly sympathetic to the wife, trying to convince a woman that you have changed and want to be loving in ways you have never been before probably will not work while a pit bull lawyer is pushing full throttle toward a divorce that you filed. Either slow down and work on yourself, or file and be done with it. My opinion anyway.
I guess that's my issue with your postings. You come off too sympathetic to the wife and it seems to shift some of the blame on the OP. He doesn't need ANY of that blame for her affair. The OP's position that he MAY share some of the responsibility for his wife's affair is a very typical Betrayed Spouse response. That doesn't mean it's right though! Any betrayed spouse (short the ones who are truly physically and menatlly abusive) shares NONE of the responsibility for their partner's conscious decision to engage with someone outside the marriage! PERIOD
Sure, he shares responsibility for the issues within the marriage and he is the only one who can address them to try and repair the marriage (if he chooses to do so) or improve himself for his next relationship.
I guess that's my issue with your postings. You come off too sympathetic to the wife and it seems to shift some of the blame on the OP.
The way I read it, they were in an unhappy marriage for a long time before the affair, and neither were really meeting each other's needs. She threw an affair in the mix, he moved straight to D, and here we are.
The reason I can't get behind your posts is because they seem to be based on the idea that she needs to work her tail off to restore the marriage to where it was pre-affair - which normally might be great advice but it wasn't working pre-affair and hadn't been for a long time. Do you honestly think someone surrounded in affair fog is going to want to do a ton of work to restore a loveless marriage? Of course not. This is just reality.
I'm not blaming OP for the loveless marriage or for the affair or anything else. I'm just saying the marriage was loveless and there aren't going to be many folks, male or female, that want to go back to something like that.
He said he wanted her back, he saw the light and thought he could be a better partner, so I'm encouraging him to prove it. Don't do it to atone for the affair. Do it because he saw the light and wants to be a better partner. See what happens! The worst thing that can happen is that he can apply his newly learned skills to the next relationship.
[QUOTE=Acorn;840277]The way I read it, they were in an unhappy marriage for a long time before the affair, and neither were really meeting each other's needs.
I agree with you here
She threw an affair in the mix, he moved straight to D, and here we are. - Again, agreed. An affair seems to be a deal breaker for him as it is with many.
The reason I can't get behind your posts is because they seem to be based on the idea that she needs to work her tail off to restore the marriage to where it was pre-affair - which normally might be great advice but it wasn't working pre-affair and hadn't been for a long time. Do you honestly think someone surrounded in affair fog is going to want to do a ton of work to restore a loveless marriage? Of course not. This is just reality.
Agree and disagree. While the marriage may have been loveless for some time (and both parties share responsibility in that) there had to be some spark that brought them together intially. Just because the husband may want to R, doesn't mean the WW does. Sounds more like she wanst to continue to enjoy her new life. My point was that if any type of R was to happen, they both need to want it. While the OP has issues that would need to be addressed (more affectionate, more caring etc) the WW (IMO) has alot more work to do since her actions completely violated one of the most sacred of trusts (again, only if she also wants to R)
I'm not blaming OP for the loveless marriage or for the affair or anything else.
While I agree with not blaming him for the affair, he does share some responsibility for the state of the marriage. Some of your previous posts (and you admittedly noted) seem to be too sympathetic to the WW. All I was trying to say was that the OP had no responsibility for her affair
I'm just saying the marriage was loveless and there aren't going to be many folks, male or female, that want to go back to something like that.
He said he wanted her back, he saw the light and thought he could be a better partner, so I'm encouraging him to prove it. Don't do it to atone for the affair. Do it because he saw the light and wants to be a better partner. See what happens! The worst thing that can happen is that he can apply his newly learned skills to the next relationship. - AGREE
Thanks to everyone who has replied. You've given me a lot to think about. Here's an update:
We spoke yesterday, and I told her that I was going to slow things down, not rush the divorce, and use the coming months to concentrate on "me", and not on "us". Since I skipped the separation stage and went straight to divorce, I want to treat it like a separation and take time to think about where we were, how we got there, and what I need to do to be a better person. She expressed surprise, gratitude and relief.
Fast-forward to this morning. I ran by the house to grab some stuff and we talked. I told her that among the reasons for slowing down was that I still have feelings for her, and I want to use the time to see if the feelings strengthen or fade in time. But, I'll also use the time to decide if I can forgive her overwhelming need to flirt and get attention from other men, and her recent kissing/texting/dating. I told her that I'd love to revisit talking about boundaries, but I also understood the genie was out of the bottle.
Her response? 1) Until yesterday, she assumed we were getting divorced and she had started a "new life" and it's not fair for me to expect her to stop (she's now dating the guy who kissed her a couple weeks ago - I didn't tell her I know, but I do). 2) She was frustrate that I changed my mind, again, and expect her to immediately go along with "my" decision. She said my behavior was "typical", and she expressed being "fed up".
She then told me that she needs more money for babysitters. She explained that the kids are home in the summer and she needs more sitters when she goes to work. BUT - she's actually working fewer days this summer because her therapist told her to spend more time with our kids during the separation. Huh? I bet she's using sitters to watch the kids while she goes out with her new boyfriend.
I came to the realization that she's gone. She's dating, possible sleeping with another man, and she LIKES it. I think it's time for me to grow a pair.
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Re: NOW I get it. Too late for an old dog... ? 
