First post. Married 14 years, 2 kids, we're both near 50 years old. Separated since May.
I'm struggling with the issue of "is it too late; has she REALLY moved on, and how do I find out"? I've not ready let go but don't want false hope. Maybe I'm blind to the current reality?
I moved out after discovering my wife was in an EA for almost 6 months. My knee-jerk reaction was to immediately file for divorce. No talk of separation, reconciliation, nada. I lobbed the nuclear bomb as a way of showing her how much I hurt. I didn't necessarily want a divorce, but didn't have the smarts to consider other alternatives. She wasn't shocked by this, as we had been in counseling for years with no real success.
After I filed, we had long, honest talks about our relationship. She admitted wanting a separation last Fall, but didn't have the courage to tell me. She also refused to end the EA because it kept her from trying to repair our marriage. She had given up, and was afraid a reconciliation would be a waste of time. At the same time, though, she admitted feelings for me and her decision may not be the right one.
We both have emotional issues and a son with high-functioning autism. It's be a challenge to say the least. She wants a lot of attention, to feel special, loved, attractive. A lot. It borders on a compulsion. I didn't give her enough, and didn't try very hard.
Her stated goal of the separation was/is to "have fun", flirt and date other men; to find out if her overwhelming need to feel special and attractive was based on a psychological need that even I can't fill, or if it was simply that she wasn't getting enough from me. She admits it could be an irrational need that will have a tragic ending for her. Her therapist, I believe, is encouraging her to explore other relationships rather than confront the issue.
I reacted with extreme jealousy. I secretly read her emails, texts and monitored her movements. When I discovered something that appeared to be salacious, I sent her angry and bitter text messages, essentially calling her a *****. Just a week ago, she was sharing "phone sex" texts with another man. It hurt, but at the same time
So - She's smart, successful, attractive, fun, caring. I could have treated her better, but didn't. Now I'm suffering. I'm alone in an apartment. Thinking how my actions contributed to her need to find attention somewhere else. I'm seeing a therapist for my issues.
I feel I've "seen the light", the error of my ways, and don't want to let her go. I sense she may feel the same way, but I'm afraid to ask. I'd hate for her to lie, give me false hope, in order to make me feel better. I don't want to go through this pain again. So I'm continuing the divorce process as a way of controlling the situation. My lawyer is ready to start pushing for the end zone.
So - do I confess it to her, do a 180 (I've tried but am not good at it), or take the hard road and move on?
Well, the first mistake you made was moving out right away. And you'll never, ever be able to reconcile while she continues seeing other men. Also quit blaming yourself so much. No, you haven't been perfect, but cheating is 100 percent on her. Others will give you more advice. Too bad you didn't find this forum earlier. This is a goldmine for advice.
If it were me, I'd let the dust settle some more before any decisions are rushed into...2 months isn't that long of a separation, emotions are still frayed, rational thoughts are needed, not emotional decisions...it took us a year into our separation before either of us were ready to start healing our relationship...we had to fix ourselves first...
keep minimal contact, and work on your self...have some fun too!
That said, I would set up some boundaries with her and her other "relationships"...no physical contact...so on, thats up to you...if she doesn't agreem it might be time to move on...
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I firmly believe that love is a game of control, or maybe true love is a game of giving up control...and if both give up control, then neither have it but the shared one do...
bad love contols us like pawns on a chess board...
Patience is not my strength. Moving out so soon was not wise. Filing before separation was not wise. I'm filled with "shoulda-coulda-woulda" about the past 3 months. My fear is my actions have had the opposite effect; that I've encouraged her to do the things she's doing. Heck, I would likely do the same if I were in her shoes.
I really think the cheating is rooted in a psychological issue; low self-esteem, etc, so I'm convinced she can be "cured" and I can overlook it all. I also think it's likely I'm kidding myself.
That said, I would set up some boundaries with her and her other "relationships"...no physical contact...so on, thats up to you...if she doesn't agreem it might be time to move on...
She won't agree to it. In fact, I caught her making out with another man last week. Her initial response was shock, shame, a promise to "make things right" with us. After seeing her therapist, her attitude changed to "stop spying on me, my private life is private, let's set boundaries".
As I type this response, I'm really questioning why this is even a tough decision for me.
whether you divorce her today or 2 months from know, a year from now, the "shoulda-coulda-woulda" issues will still be there...rushing into anything at this point and time will just add to those issues, again, if it were me, I'd let the dust settle...
__________________
I firmly believe that love is a game of control, or maybe true love is a game of giving up control...and if both give up control, then neither have it but the shared one do...
bad love contols us like pawns on a chess board...
whether you divorce her today or 2 months from know, a year from now, the "shoulda-coulda-woulda" issues will still be there...rushing into anything at this point and time will just add to those issues, again, if it were me, I'd let the dust settle...
Great advice. I know this is the right course of action. My problem is holding back when my emotions take hold. I need to use the time to work on it and other issues.
Thoughts on putting the divorce process on hold? My lawyer is a pit-bull and wants to put it on the fast-track. I hate funding her current lifestyle, and she needs to realize the economic reality of her decision.
We've got a lot of debt, and selling the house is a big issue. She wants to stay in it for the kids, I likely need to sell it to pay debt and have $ to buy my own house.
Great advice. I know this is the right course of action. My problem is holding back when my emotions take hold. I need to use the time to work on it and other issues.
Thanks.
I was in your shoes when my wife left me, I wanted things resolved asap...my wife accused me of wanting her back because I hated change, I told her that once she left, things had already changed and would never be the same...
when you feel those emotions take hold, go work out, go for a walk...start a journal, read the Bible (if you are so inclined)...take that emotional upheaval and make something positive out of it...
__________________
I firmly believe that love is a game of control, or maybe true love is a game of giving up control...and if both give up control, then neither have it but the shared one do...
bad love contols us like pawns on a chess board...
and I know about the debt...I'm 10k in the hole trying to keep a float long enough for my son to finish high school...then I might liqudate everything if she isn't back yet (but it looks like she will be).
__________________
I firmly believe that love is a game of control, or maybe true love is a game of giving up control...and if both give up control, then neither have it but the shared one do...
bad love contols us like pawns on a chess board...
Patience is not my strength. Moving out so soon was not wise. Filing before separation was not wise. I'm filled with "shoulda-coulda-woulda" about the past 3 months. My fear is my actions have had the opposite effect; that I've encouraged her to do the things she's doing. Heck, I would likely do the same if I were in her shoes.
I really think the cheating is rooted in a psychological issue; low self-esteem, etc, so I'm convinced she can be "cured" and I can overlook it all. I also think it's likely I'm kidding myself.
I suspect that you might be over-analyzing why she cheated. Although I concede that it could be a psychological issue, I'll bet it's more likely that she met somebody, there probably was inappopropriate behavior where boundaries were crossed, the dopamine (feel-good chemical--same thing drug addicts experience) kicked in, and she was off to the races. It happens all the time, and can happen to anyone. Meanwhile you're left racking your brain wondering what YOU did wrong, and what's wrong with HER.
She's addicted to the "in-love, heart-fluttering feeling" so she won't give up her affair partner(s?) In comparison, you're old news to her. She wants the new and exciting, but doesn't realize that this will also become "old news" eventually.
For reconciliation to happen, she can't date others. You two can talk about "feelings" until the cows come home, but there's no chance of winning her back unless she drops the other guys.
Woe - not trying to cast blame on you when I say that there is a big difference between you seeing the light and you proving to her that you have changed.
What she sees in you more than anything else is that you dropped the divorce bomb on her, you knew what she needed but didn't try very hard, and you spied on her and went through her personal stuff.
I only say this to agree with others that you need some time to reinvent yourself in her eyes, and trying to move too quickly or worrying too much about what she's doing right now is not in your best interest.
For reconciliation to happen, she can't date others. You two can talk about "feelings" until the cows come home, but there's no chance of winning her back unless she drops the other guys.
We spoke a few weeks ago about boundaries and expectations. She told me of her need to flirt with other men and feel attractive. She asked if it was ok to kiss other men. My reaction was "no no no'! She clearly violated my wishes when she made out with the guy last week.
What boundaries do you think are appropriate in a separation?
Dating ok, kissing ok, no sex? What if you don't trust the other?
Woe - not trying to cast blame on you when I say that there is a big difference between you seeing the light and you proving to her that you have changed.
What she sees in you more than anything else is that you dropped the divorce bomb on her, you knew what she needed but didn't try very hard, and you spied on her and went through her personal stuff.
I only say this to agree with others that you need some time to reinvent yourself in her eyes, and trying to move too quickly or worrying too much about what she's doing right now is not in your best interest.
I agree 100%. My attempts to bring her back have pushed her away.
Just got a call from her. Asked if I'd like to join her and my daughter for lunch. It's another example of how she pulls me back with kindness and affection. The cynical me thinks it's because she wants me around as the cash-cow/safety net when her newly-found relationships fizzle.
15Likes
NOW I get it. Too late for an old dog... ? 
