06-22-2012, 11:11 PM
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Auburn, NY
| | Can life be brought back to something that has decayed?
First I want to give a bit of a background which will lead to my current situation. I am not looking for sympathy, I am not looking for criticism, I criticize myself enough for this.
Eight years ago I met the most amazing woman in the world. We proceeded to move in together in three months and had our ups and downs as any couple would who are trying to get to know each other. After the initial shock I guess of learning how to live with someone else passed we had a great life. About two years ago I had major knee surgery which brought me into a spiral of depression and boredom. The reconstructive surgery took me out of work for three months, and I was limited with almost everything I did physically for about 6 months (I couldn't lift anything over 5lbs as it also involved bone replacement and muscle reconstruction like that matters). I am not trying to justify my behavior, rather I am just trying to give an accurate timeline to my own demise. After the surgery I was prescribed heavy pain medication which as we all know can screw ones head up in a medicated way. Now this is the kicker I have always had a issue with addiction, I was fairly successful in recognizing my problem and kicking it before it became an issue until this surgery. I knew of my problem and decided i would give up the pills and just deal with medicating myself with pot. I have always had a bit of an issue with anything that made me high that's why i never went to anything stronger than the good old THC. Now many can argue that grass is a non-addictive substance and I happen to agree, however I myself loved just plain getting high i was addicted to being high. Anyway as the pain dissipated, i was still left with a pain inside that was self induced pity because well lets be honest i was bored, and lonely. I know it sounds pathetic but I was home alone waiting for anyone to call, or for my wife to come home. THE STORY CONTINUES as I began to feel lonely I began to smoke more to kill that feeling, and eventually I felt lonely all the time. I began to feel lonely even in the presence of others including that beautiful person who was and I guess still is my wife.
I removed myself in a cloud of self pity and pot. As time went on I was back to work, but still smoking like a chimney. I distanced myself from my family and started neglected the one i love the most. She wanted to talk i would grunt a few responses and was pretty much dead to her. That's not to say we didn't have our good times. Because there where quite a few, when I wasn't in a pool of despair anyway.
The plot thickens eight months ago, see I have always had and I am ashamed to admit this but a problem with porn. Once again I am ashamed to admit it but if I am not truthful then whats the point. I am an addict to sex and drugs. Now honestly i have never thought of cheating (you know where this is going huh), and honestly I would never have until yet another chapter of my story reveals itself. A friend of mine (ok an associate of mine) came over with that synthetic cannabis crap, so I tried this chemical ridden garbage and I was hooked on it both the high it provided, and the amperage to my sex drive was unparalleled. So I increased my porn viewing and then three months ago it seemed it wasn't enough.
So what does this stoned moron do? Create an online profile on a dating site looking for a friend with benefits type of thing. (GREAT GUY I AM HUH). Anyway I deleted the profile a couple of times, got stoned and reactivated it, and then I met a gal online we corresponded via IM, and then proceeding texting. We met with the intent of an affair though i was so riddled with guilt I left. I cut off communication deleted the profile and continued on. I was so riddled with guilt i amped my usage ten fold. I spent money we didn't have and my sex drive was raging so I found another woman. I met her at her house, and started the disgusting act of infidelity. It got as far as clothing removal and then i felt disgusting and had to leave.
Now the plot truly thickens. She found my wife via facebook, and like it matters really twisted the encounter. She told my wife we *(@'#@ 'ed along with other fictitious info. Once again I know it doesn't matter as the intent was there. And honestly thank god for this woman because if it wasn't her for her i wouldn't be in NA, SA (yes there is a sexholics anonymous), and in therapy. So this happened three weeks ago and though i am not expected miracles this is whats happening:
Once again i am getting myself better through a combination of group therapies, and one on one with both a therapist, a marriage counselor, and even a shrink. I am learning and improving on all the quirks that made me into the prick i was. Even my wife has commented on the rapid growth and development i am experiencing.
So about 8 months ago my wife started talking to this dude at work with no intent of anything. She claims that recently she started to acquire feelings for this man, and who can blame her I made her feel so isolated by my own stupidity. Anyway we are still living together (obviously the sleaze is on the couch). That sleaze is me by the way. Now she says she doesn't know what she wants and she is very impressed by my 180 in behavior and actions. Today she told me she might be going on a date tomorrow with this man. Yes I am hurt and Yes I deserve it, and YES she deserves to be happy. I guess through all this rambling, I am asking for advice (and if your still reading thank), first DO i have a cold chance in hell, second what more can I do. I am seeking help obviously, I am home as much as possible for both her and our beautiful little 2 1/2 year old girl, I am cleaning the house, doing laundry, making dinner. My reserves and sanity are on a thin thread as I am putting in so much effort there is very little time to sleep. So once again whats a dusche like me to do?