We knew each other in high school, but never hung out in the same group of friends. It wasn't unil my senior year when we both started working at a fast food restaurant where we got to know each other. And we liked each other a LOT. Something nearly happened between us, but I had a girlfriend at the time and declined...and kicked myself in the ass for it! We spent a bit more time around each other, very hard not to do anything, and then I went off to college.
Fast forward 14 years later to about 2-3 months ago. We reconnect on the dreaded Facebook. She is also on her way out of a long term relationship, like me. We talk for 1.5 months on FB before we see each other in person again (she lives in another city). And there is CHEMISTRY. Wow, did we ever click. Another 1 - 1.5 months go by, and now she is preparing to find a place in my city so we can be closer. But in order for us to see if we can take things to the next level, she needs to meet my 4 year old daughter.
Which means I have to tell my STBXW that my girlfriend she knows nothing about is going to meet her our daughter. I want to do this right, and tell her face to face before it happens. "I've met someone, we've been seeing each other for a while and she will probably be in my life for the foreseeable future, and I wanted to give you the courtesy of telling you that she will be meeting our daughter very soon. I didn't want you to find out secondhand from our daughter, and I feel that as her mother this is something you deserve to hear from me first."
I don't like my STBXW, but I hope that if I do this she'll see that I'm trying to keep her involved in what happens with our children even though she has them mos of the time (which I'm trying to fix, I might add).
Anybody have any thoughts on how that sounds? Posted via Mobile Device
I agree with Tacoma. If she's just in the process of moving of moving to your city...I'd at least wait until the dust settles from all of that before you introduce her to your daughter.
This probably wouldn't happen for at least another couple of weeks, after some more things get logistically figured out on her end. Very good points. I'm just trying to get my ducks in a row and figure out how I want to approach it before it happens.
I would not introduce her as Daddy's girlfriend. She would just be Daddy's friend. We agreed there would be no outward displays of affection between the two of us while she was here; no hugging, kissing, handholding, etc. I want to ease these two parts of my life together as gently as possible. Posted via Mobile Device
In the Children in the Middle class I took, the facilitator suggested waiting a minimum of a year after the divorce is final to introduce other potential partners to your child. This is a time of great transition for your daughter. Don't add more undue stress on her. It's such a fragile time. So you have chemistry with this lady...awesome. Nurture it and see if it can stand up to the stress and difficulties of a real relationship. You're not divorced yet and she's just picking up to move closer to you after getting out of a LTR too. Have you both healed? Sounds like things are moving awfully fast. I understand the need and desire for companionship. Trust me, I do. But I would never expose my son to someone I didn't have serious intentions regarding. Why would it hurt for the two of you to connect and wait to introduce her to your daughter? Posted via Mobile Device
Girlfriend wants to make sure that she and my kids can connect. She's afraid of getting involved with someone whose kids won't accept her. She won't be hanging around my kids a lot. My time with them is MY time; the girlfriend does not intrude, I made that clear beforehand. All we want to do is break the ice, she would not be here during my visitation.
Have I fully healed? Pretty much, yeah. I still go to IC (girlfriend knows and encourages this) but I've taken many steps forward. Tbh, we didn't intend for us to like each other as much as we do...we thought it would kinda be a FWB thing. I wasn't looking for a relationship at all, and neither was she. We just...click. And have a lot in common.
Anyway, GF wouldn't be a significant presence in my children's lives for he foreseeable future. We just want to make sure they would get along. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree with Tacoma. If she's just in the process of moving of moving to your city...I'd at least wait until the dust settles from all of that before you introduce her to your daughter.
That sounds like a perfectly reasonable suggestion. Posted via Mobile Device
Shouldn't she have done that before moving then....?
And...I hear a lot about what your girlfriend wants. And what you want.
But......what does your daughter want? Is this what's best for her, or best for you and your gf? Posted via Mobile Device
Done what before moving?
If my daughter had her way, Mommy and Daddy wouldn't be divorcing. Is this what's best for her? I can only guess. My thought process is I would rather just introduce and see how things go. If it's awkward, GF doesn't have to come back for a long time. If it's not and my daughter loves her, then we can ease into other play dates and things like that.
That's also why I would not tell my daughter that she is my GF. Just a friend. Posted via Mobile Device
If she was afraid of getting involved with someone with kids because she was unsure of whether or not the child would like her, wouldn't she have wanted to meet your daughter prior to picking up her life and moving closer to you......?
It's your life. I don't understand, but I don't need to. Your kid, your call. Posted via Mobile Device
__________________
I firmly believe that love is a game of control, or maybe true love is a game of giving up control...and if both give up control, then neither have it but the shared one do...
bad love contols us like pawns on a chess board...
If she was afraid of getting involved with someone with kids because she was unsure of whether or not the child would like her, wouldn't she have wanted to meet your daughter prior to picking up her life and moving closer to you......?
It's your life. I don't understand, but I don't need to. Your kid, your call. Posted via Mobile Device
That's what she wants, but I think having her wait until after the move is a better idea. She isn't moving just for me; her grandfather is ill and injured and she's going to care for him for a while. He just happens to live in my city. Yes, I am a major part of it, but she would have come to my city anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DjF
I would fix the issue with seeing your children more before I introduced a GF into the mix...
Tool,
Not a good idea IMHO. You do have chemistry with your new GF, it's called dopamine. The high you are getting may be fogging your decision making process. Not sure of your back story but your child has just suffered one of the most horrible traumas parents can foist on a child, divorce. She has suffered through a death and needs time to heal from that. That is where the year suggestion comes from. Introducing a GF now makes her think that you are trying to replace her mommy. I know that is not what you are doing and you can tell your daughter that, but the way a child's mind works is totally different. It is bad for her sense of security.
On the legal side of the house, if you are still married and you introduce a GF, that can be used against you in custody. Judges DO NOT like new people in children's lives and prefer the status quo be maintained. Your STBXW can easily argue your unfitness based on that alone and with you being a man, may lose any custody. Again, recommend you hold off on the GF AT LEAST until the D is final.
3Likes
The time has come for me to tell the STBXW... 
