Looking for sanity

lookingforhope · 06-25-2012, 03:36 PM

I'm brand new here and presently going through a separation towards divorce. I've been married for 21 years this August. My wife initiated the legal separation a couple months ago, even though we've been apart off and on over the last five years.....she's been on the fence.....I've tried desperately to the point of "neediness and depression to make it work. There have been many issues over the years, but financial struggles have been the BIGGY for her mainly although they have consumed me as well. There are so many things I could ask, but I'll start here: We have five children.....I moved out of our home so she has primary oversight of them all.
She has started a new relationship with our accountant less than 1 month out of the separation (no....it wasn't going on before hand) and I am beginning to wonder how I have tolerated her judgment so well over the years. She had a brief "emotional affair" with one of our EMPLOYEES 5 years ago when things started going south. I know she is pursuing this new relationship because of emails I read. Don't know if she is just lonely, looking for financial security or what. BUT.....even though she initiated the divorce and probably started moving on well before me.......doesn't she still need time to heal? Shouldn't she be more concerned with the adjustments and well being of the kids right now.....especially since she has primary responsibility right now? Is she in a rebound.....if such a thing exists...to avoid the pain of our marriage ending? Does she not need time to reflect and grow from the short comings she caused in the marriage breakdown? Am I wrong to question her judgment......not that it's really my business anymore.
Any input would be greatly appreciated!!

lamaga · 06-25-2012, 03:40 PM

So sorry, Looking! It is terribly painful, and you will get lots of good support here.

As far as your wife? I don't know, but I do know that women stew for years before they make a move, so maybe she doesn't need time to heal -- maybe she made this decision years ago. I know that's painful to hear, but it may help you know why she's not mourning the way you think she should. JMO, may well be wrong.

Keep posting here, you'll find good support! I'm sorry to welcome you, but yeah..welcome.

UpnDown · 06-25-2012, 03:41 PM

You are too focused on her, she has moved on and there's nothing you can do about it. That is something you will have to come to terms with before you can do anything else.

Focusing on you is all that should matter.
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DjF · 06-25-2012, 03:43 PM

You have no control over what your wife does now socially, granted your concern for the kids is awesome...be the best Dad you can be, and when not with them, take that time to heal yourself...

lookingforhope · 06-25-2012, 04:00 PM

Thanks "Lamaga", "UpnDown", and "Djf" for the quick and candid responses! I can't disagree with any of your observations. I'm aware that she's been stewing for a long time and well ahead of me in terms of moving on. It's not that I even want her to mourn....I'm just trying to understand the mindset of initiators better. The concern is for my kids and their adjustments mainly....but also for her, too. Their comments of late give me some pause. I dare not try to interfere or openly question my wife's decisions (been there done that) but I just wonder if she's making good decisions for herself and the kids. This has to be a big reality adjustment for her in spite of her mental shift before now. I know it is for the children and that's why I scratch my head. She's usually been very attuned to their needs in the past.

DjF · 06-25-2012, 04:06 PM

Scratching your head only causes bald spots...time to take your parenting up a notch, and don't even try to discuss her social life with her...won't help at all...but you know that already!!!

DjF · 06-25-2012, 04:07 PM

also might be time for you to get a new accountant!

lookingforhope · 06-25-2012, 04:10 PM

LOL.....I "figured" as much about the accountant.

lookingforhope · 06-25-2012, 04:30 PM

I suppose one of the best ways for me to move on is by taking her off the pedestal I've always put her on.....as well as my mind. Her parents are well to do and financially support her for the most part. I think you all are spot on correct.......especially about being the best dad I can be.
Any suggestions for moving on and acceptance, etc. aside from the things previously mentioned are welcome and appreciated in advance. This has been helpful already!

lookingforhope · 06-25-2012, 04:34 PM

Is Limited Contact beneficial? No Contact is not an option with 5 children.