so its been about 2 months of the stbx not living with me, but i still find myself looking to him for answers. it was his decision to leave and i still feel like we didnt get an opprotunity to try to work anything out, it was just his way.
even though i know i shouldnt today i ask him (because he still has yet to file to start our divore) do you see us being together? he responds probably not, i ask why probably not instead of just saying no, he says bc i dont know. so i ask do you think its a possiblility he says i dont know.
i know that i shouldnt even ask, shouldnt even talk to him, but why cant he just say no?
i still feel like he has not thought this whole thing through and that is what bothers me the most. i dont feel like i can move on bc i am still holding on to that small hope of fixing things...
so its been about 2 months of the stbx not living with me, but i still find myself looking to him for answers. it was his decision to leave and i still feel like we didnt get an opprotunity to try to work anything out, it was just his way.
even though i know i shouldnt today i ask him (because he still has yet to file to start our divore) do you see us being together? he responds probably not, i ask why probably not instead of just saying no, he says bc i dont know. so i ask do you think its a possiblility he says i dont know.
i know that i shouldnt even ask, shouldnt even talk to him, but why cant he just say no?
i still feel like he has not thought this whole thing through and that is what bothers me the most. i dont feel like i can move on bc i am still holding on to that small hope of fixing things...
so why cant he just say no, there is no chance?!
FILE yourself.
Make the decision for yourself. My therapist helped me see after 4 months of therapy (me in IC and him doing nothing to help the marriage but run away) that my stbx is playing the victim and would never file. I did. Gave me control of my life again and I am stronger for it. Sometimes this is a last resort if you are wanting a R, but honestly it doesn't sound like he is there yet in his head. Why waste your life on someone who doesn't want you, won't even feign interest in saving the marriage?
Put your big girl panties on and do what's best for you. If not right now, give yourself a deadline for him to either start fixing the marriage or YOU are done. You will take control away from him. He has it all right now and some men dig that!
FILE yourself.
Make the decision for yourself. My therapist helped me see after 4 months of therapy (me in IC and him doing nothing to help the marriage but run away) that my stbx is playing the victim and would never file. I did. Gave me control of my life again and I am stronger for it. Sometimes this is a last resort if you are wanting a R, but honestly it doesn't sound like he is there yet in his head. Why waste your life on someone who doesn't want you, won't even feign interest in saving the marriage?
Put your big girl panties on and do what's best for you. If not right now, give yourself a deadline for him to either start fixing the marriage or YOU are done. You will take control away from him. He has it all right now and some men dig that!
i wish that i could take away the control from him, i try to not talk to him but as soon as he contacts me im so lonely that i answer instead of ignoring it. i have thought about filling myself but i really feel like if this is what he wants then he needs to do it, not me.
i wish that i couldtake away the control from him, i try to not talk to him but as soon as he contacts me im so lonely that i answer instead of ignoring it. i have thought about filling myself but i really feel like if this is what he wants then he needs to do it, not me.
You want to take control? Then stop answering.
I do not know your entire story, I have not read it.
But the basics usually apply.
If you feel you have no control, then you set your boundaries. Determine what you are and are not okay with and make them stick.
Do not respond to him right away, you know all that waiting around you do WAITING for HIM to call. The "I wonder if he will call, I wonder if he will text."
The same can possibly be done to HIM if you DO NOT respond right away, wait a few hours to respond (if it's required that is).
1, 2, 3 hours delay between conversations CAN give you that CONTROL.
It shows that you aren't grovelling at his feet, awaiting his kingly demands and expectations.
Stop explaining every single thing to him, give him brief, short answers.
Oh, he also says no because you are Plan B. The backup. By saying MAYBE he has you by the collar, leash and all.
Oh, he also says no because you are Plan B. The backup. By saying MAYBE he has you by the collar, leash and all.
It sucks to hear, but it's true.
wow, you are right that does suck to hear! i do try to not be too giving with info but at the same time he presses for it and i hate when he doesnt answer my questions so i feel i should answer...
i just need to figure out how to not be plan B, but the orginal plan
wow, you are right that does suck to hear! i do try to not be too giving with info but at the same time he presses for it and i hate when he doesnt answer my questions so i feel i should answer...
You need to learn not to care what he is doing. By not honestly caring, you will start to detach and eventually will not seek his answers or explanations. This is how you gain control of yourself. Control of yourself = control of the situation.
i just need to figure out how to not be plan B, but the orginal plan
That is not in your control. Being the 'Plan A'. If you were Plan A, you would already know it because this wouldn't be happening.
There is nothing to 'figure out' about not being Plan B. If your boundaries are NOT TO BE PLAN B, then you stop being Plan B. How do you stop being Plan B? Reread the above in red.
YOU WILL NOT BE PLAN B. To him, maybe you are still Plan B. But that doesn't matter. Why doesn't it matter you ask? Because what he thinks, says or wants doesn't matter. Therefore, you being Plan B to him is null, void.
so its been about 2 months of the stbx not living with me, but i still find myself looking to him for answers. it was his decision to leave and i still feel like we didnt get an opprotunity to try to work anything out, it was just his way.
even though i know i shouldnt today i ask him (because he still has yet to file to start our divore) do you see us being together? he responds probably not, i ask why probably not instead of just saying no, he says bc i dont know. so i ask do you think its a possiblility he says i dont know.
i know that i shouldnt even ask, shouldnt even talk to him, but why cant he just say no?
i still feel like he has not thought this whole thing through and that is what bothers me the most. i dont feel like i can move on bc i am still holding on to that small hope of fixing things...
so why cant he just say no, there is no chance?!
Does your H tend to be passive in the way he makes decisions? If so, then that would explain why he won't say no definitively. He wants you to do the heavy lifting while he plays victim.
My experience with my STBXH is that he continually said (to me) that he didn't want to be with me but never made moves to divorce. Even though we have been separated going on 5 months AND he is living with POSOW, he has made up excuses as to why he won't file. He consistently plays the victim every time we have contact. So, I just tired of it and filed for D.
At some point in time, I believe, you too will grow tired of your H's actions/words. Especially if he keeps fence-sitting indefinitely.
From now on, look at and respond to his ACTIONS and not his words. His actions keep saying that he doesn't want to be with you. So take them for what they are and start moving on to a new you and a new life.
i wish that i could take away the control from him, i try to not talk to him but as soon as he contacts me im so lonely that i answer instead of ignoring it. i have thought about filling myself but i really feel like if this is what he wants then he needs to do it, not me.
I felt the same way for months. I also gave personal time lines for my behavior and his. Those were the best things I ever did. My therapist and friends made me realize he had all the control, yet continuing to play the victim, with this type of behavior I realized he was never going to file. AND I was right. He wanted to do the diy divorce and w/ kids and a house I decided I wanted a lawyer. He tried to force me into that and threatened me w/ if he has to have a lawyer I wouldn't be happy etc. Then I got the 4k together and hired one. I felt like I was getting control of my life back and felt so empowered.
I let him know several times this is never what I wanted but I refuse to let him stick me in limboland forever (he didn't get it).
Does your H tend to be passive in the way he makes decisions? If so, then that would explain why he won't say no definitively. He wants you to do the heavy lifting while he plays victim.
My experience with my STBXH is that he continually said (to me) that he didn't want to be with me but never made moves to divorce. Even though we have been separated going on 5 months AND he is living with POSOW, he has made up excuses as to why he won't file. He consistently plays the victim every time we have contact. So, I just tired of it and filed for D.
At some point in time, I believe, you too will grow tired of your H's actions/words. Especially if he keeps fence-sitting indefinitely.
From now on, look at and respond to his ACTIONS and not his words. His actions keep saying that he doesn't want to be with you. So take them for what they are and start moving on to a new you and a new life.
This describes much of what I lived through. We were separated for 6 months when I filed (it's when I finally got the money together after giving up all hope).
She is giving you wise words. We have lived it... and are only trying to help you get your life back to being YOURS.
thanks to you all for your words of support and encouragement. i truely feel like this is the place i can express all of my feelings and get feed back. while i have a very small group of family and friends that i can talk to i sometimes feel like they dont want to hear about it all the time.
i hope that the time will come that i can muster up the courage to say im done and go and file myself.
i am so lonely in that i have surrounded myself with my H and his family in the past few years, that now without them i dont really feel like i have friends of my own. i blame myself for that, but cant do much about it now...
i still wish with all of my heart that he would pull his head out of his a$$ and come home and actually work on what we had...
i just cant get away from that and am still being pulled between knowing that i deserve better, but dont want to give up without a fight
i wish that i could take away the control from him, i try to not talk to him but as soon as he contacts me im so lonely that i answer instead of ignoring it. i have thought about filling myself but i really feel like if this is what he wants then he needs to do it, not me.
Numb, take it from a former member team "back up plan". You are doing EXACTLY what he wants you to do. Once I realized what my stbxw was doing, I filed. She was given an ultimatum to give 100% to work out the marriage, or move along. That was the only point in this whole screwed up mess that I had any say or control. I now have all of the control and hold all of the cards. Yes, shes no longer here but I am better off without her. A marriage takes 2, not 1 or 3. She told me a lot of the same things you are hearing now. The sooner you pull the trigger by filing, the sooner you will get your sanity back and start to heal. You need to focus on You, not what might be. The only thing you can control right now is not allowing someone to have you serve as their back up plan. Once you file you will feel so much better.
geez, today really sucked! i try to do the 180 and not talk to him, im affraid to say that i think i do it more for him than for me, in the hopes of he will miss me and think to himself hey she hasnt been contacting me, what has she been up to?
but i broke down today and sent him a txt, got one reply then nothing!
im ready for things to be better, still feel like i am living in a bad dream and cant wake up!
I know how you feel numb2012. I have the same issue myself. (quick background, my wife left me about 7 weeks ago for another person).
I feel like I want to have that contact with my STBXW, but really it's just acting as a blanket to briefly numb the loneliness i'm experiencing right now. Do you feel like despite all the support you have from friends and families, the only person who can make you feel like yourself again right now is your ex?
I admit I have been getting better and not texting my W, but sometimes I just want to feel like i'm still in touch. Sometimes I make the mistake of saying "I miss you" or "I feel so destroyed and I don't know what to do" and things to that effect, whilst forgetting that she's not the right person to give me answers and support in this process. Sometimes it's more than just losing your H/W. Sometimes it's about losing your best friend, who you could talk to about anything.
32Likes
why do i ask, why try 
