Sad to be joining you with marital problems. I'll try to explain my situation. First off, I am disabled. I have multiple health problems but my disability is due to having nine back surgeries and nerve damage in my leg from one. I had to quit work after my second surgery. My husband and I are having troubles again for the second time. Six years ago he left, stayed gone partying and playing, doing drugs but eventually came home. I took him back but we had a talk about each of our issues. The problems seem to come mostly from his immaturity. I take care of everything and when some kind of major decision comes up or minor for that matter, I am the one to decide. I told him that my issues were his inability to grow up, take life seriously. He blamed everything on his mother and she was a problem in our marriage but I told him that some of the issues were his and his alone. My parents are both dead and I have no family left. We are living in my mother's old home. He blamed me for being a nag etc (insert words) so for the past six years I have really been careful of how I approach him. The problem comes with I have done all the changing and he hasn't. When you ask someone kindly to stop doing something about 6 times and they don't I tend to get more sarcastic. But it is far from the hellstorm I used to go into. You cannot talk with him. He will not sit down and communicate when he has a problem. He just blows me off and refuses to talk always using the same ole phrase, I can't talk to you. He lies to me at the drop of a hat and thinks nothing of it. He has severe anger issues and has for the past 2 years. He drinks a 12pack every day now. I have told him for months that we need to sit down and talk but he won't. About 10 days ago he pulled his same ole routine and left, then calls me and says, we need to talk, yet he has yet to do that. I've called him and told him that the doctor phoned me and told me that my recent tests came back positive and I must start treatment for thyroid cancer and I've yet to hear from him. I also told him that our income tax checks were back and I needed him to sign them so I can put in bank. Right now he is not working. He is waiting for a pipeline job to kick off. He actually expects me to keep paying his bills. Today I get the cellphone bill and find that he has been texting a lot to someone from the area of his last job. I snoop a bit and find out it is another woman. How he could do this to me is unreal. I have no income but around 800.00 disability check. I cannot support myself on that. I am on his insurance so I can get my medications with just a copay since medicare part d is a joke....it doesn't help at all. If I had to pay full price for my drugs the bill per month would be close to 2000.00. I have been on a pain med for about 5 years now to keep my pain at a minimum and it is 300.00 a month and when I cannot afford it, I will go thru withdrawal symptoms. I recently underwent a cervical surgery that I am not completely well from. There are things I cannot do around home anymore due to the disability and if he leaves I will be doomed. I will lose my parents home and land. It just makes me sick when I think of what he is doing to me. It's not like I can just say ok take off, I cannot work and I have no income to speak of. This time with another woman involved, I think he is gone for good. I guess he intends to just walk and let this newfound cancer take me out of his way for good.
We've been married for 16 years and both of us are in mid to late 40's.
Last edited by toomanytears; 04-14-2009 at 08:23 PM.
Reason: Forgot to mention something
I spoke with his father yesterday and he called him and told him that he needed to contact me....told his dad he would, he did not! I was hoping someone may have saw my post and could offer some advice or at least some ideas on what I should do. I don't plan to contact him any further. I thought someone on here would offer some further suggestions. My situation is pretty dire and I am going thru this completely alone and could use some advice. I'm not in a good place mentally right now and the physical speaks for itself.
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I understand fully what you are going thru as far as the husband is concerned.
Your husband is going thru the mid-life crisis stage. But this problem is magnified by an underlying problem. When you stated he had always been immature, irresponsible, and sarcastic , that clued me in even more. You are probably looking at the "Peter Pan Syndrome". There's a really nice book out there (although out of print) titled "The Peter Pan Syndrome" by Dr. Dan Kiley. This book will really help you understand what is going on. Unfortunately, most men with this syndrome can't be "fixed".
Now on to your health.....You can probably get your drug bill way down. Explain to your doctor(s) that you can no longer afford the medication. There are drugs with generic equivalents for most conditions. That's really the secret to managing the Medicare Part D and the "doughnut hole". For example, Celebrex has no generic equivalent, but Mobic does. Making those changes will save a lot of money. And for the brand drugs with no generic, see if the doctor can sign you up for one of the drug assistance programs.
Are you a religious person? From my personal standpoint, I believe many health problems can be improved by working on the "soul". Joining a church (if not already a member) can be a wonderful place to start. You will be able to connect with people who really care about you. In addition, you will have a minister or priest available for "counseling". I sense you spend much time alone. Sometimes that allows our minds to dwell on the negative aspects of our lives and makes us feel unloved. Try to get out and meet positive people. I'm really sorry you don't have any family to lean on at this time. My close family has really given me encouragement and lifted my spirits over the past year. But, you will find many positive and caring people on this forum
Thanks so much for your response. I agree about the mid-life crisis type stuff but the affair he is having is quite definite. The phone bill speaks for itself. I will try to find the book you mentioned.
As for my meds, I am on several generics already to keep the drug bill down. My pain physician tried me on several different types of drugs before finding one that worked. Prior to that, I could barely walk anywhere except back and forth to the bathroom on a walker. After starting the med and with a few months physical therapy, I was able to start walking again. I've tried to go back to cheaper drugs and each time, my condition deteriorated. I am in hopes that my doctor can get this med thru some type discount program for me and has told me that he believed he could but as long as I was still married, legally his income counted and they would turn me down.
I think this time, he won't file for divorce because when he spoke with a lawyer they told him that he would have to pay spousal support for me for the rest of my life as the disability occured during the marriage. Because I have no income other than disability he would be expected to take care of everything unless I remarried. It appears that this time he is just going to leave and carry on with this other woman without asking for a divorce. I suspect she is the type that wouldn't care anyway because if she will go after a married man with a wife in the condition I am, she can't be a woman of high character to begin with, thus shacking up sounds like no problem to her. This situation will hurt me more as far as my well being goes and ability to survive financially. I think he is trying to force me to file and highly suspect he will take a job that pays cash just so he isn't forced to support me. How else can I view things when I called and told him that I have been diagnosed with thyroid cancer and he doesn't seem to care what happens?
Yes, I do spend a lot of time alone. It is due to my inability to do a lot of things because of my disability though. I am a spiritual person and do go to church on the days that my condition allows me to sit thru the service. For the most part since being on the drug I mentioned before, I am able to go every week. I like the pastor there but unfortunately he is retiring this month.
I can't believe after all these years of being supportive and standing by me thru all of this, he would do this to me. I chalked the last time up to mid life crisis stuff and his mother was seriously coming between us. She has sense passed but he had major issues with her. She treated him badly when he was growing up and there definitely were mental issues on her part. She controlled him literally. He will tell you without hesitation that he hated her and is glad she is gone which I think is a horrible thing and cannot deep down believe he seriously means it but truly his actions do speak that he does. I think that because she kept him on a leash that is why he is having a hard time growing up because he never got to experience what most of us do. But by the age of 45, the majority of the world does realize that you have to be responsible but I've seen many who don't sadly.
It makes me angry that I've tried so hard and kept so much in since the last time and he has put forth no effort whatsoever. I feel like I have walked on egg shells and he went forward with his same ole same ole routine. I almost feel like he was using me as a substitute mother and if I said a word he didn't want to hear, he gave me the treatment he wished he could have given his mother. He knows he has the upper hand because I have no alternatives but to put up with his crap due to my situation. This is the most CRUEL and HEARTLESS things that one human could do to another. If the situation were in reverse I could never let him go thru cancer alone regardless of how I felt within the marriage. I can't take on anymore medical debt that I can't afford and he knows that.
I do thank you for your response. If anything it helps to just talk to someone else. Thank you for your blessing because I do need all the prayers in the world right now. Hard to deal with marriage issues and disease with no help both. I feel sorry that any of us has to be here and do hope that everyone else's problems work out. I do understand and always willing to listen to others.
I'm heart broken for you, toomany. I wish there were an easy answer to all of this. The best thing you can do is try to stay positive and, like Aug said, get out of the house. Join a support group (social group, anything) at your church so you can meet some people. You really need emotional support to get through this.
Do you know any lawyers? I know it'd be expensive but it sounds like you need to get an attorney. You can't let yourself stay trapped in this situation of your husband being gone but not divorcing you thus leaving you broke and helpless and alone. I'm sure there is a way around this-a way where you could file for divorce and still get the spousal support you deserve.
Appreciate your kindness KMDillon. Yes I have contacted a lawyer already and updated her on the situation. She said that because my only income was disability if he filed for divorce that he would be required to pay his costs and mine because disability money can't be touched by anyone, not even a lawyer. Her mom and my mom were good friends so she told me she would be happy to represent me. She told me to sit back, do nothing but to keep her informed of anything i.e. contact, divorce papers being served, etc..
So far nothing has happened. He refuses to return my calls. I got my father-in-law to call him again yesterday to ask him to come sign the income tax refund checks and he told his dad he would but he never showed or called. I also informed my father-in-law that I have been diagnosed with thyroid cancer and need treatment but under the circumstances I refuse to take on any more medical debt without talking to him since I am on his insurance. His dad wasn't aware of it and seemed pretty disgusted with him and called H but he never called or came.
I left him another voice mail this morning requesting that he sign them and updated him on our joint account finances and the fact that we needed the money. I told him that none of his bills could /would get paid unless he came and signed the checks and the money deposited because I had paid a ton of the bills that were now coming in from my cervical surgery from January. I've not mentioned to him that I have seen the cell phone bill, have seen proof of his ongoing affair, have her name and address and can see his truck parked in front of her house via bird's eye view google earth! I wasn't ugly, just explained the circumstances and asked him again to please contact me.
My church is a small country church as I live in a rural area and the town that is nearby has only about 2000 inhabitants. Not a lot going on here socially. I will try to at least get out and do some window shopping because God knows I can't afford to buy anything that is not essential. I haven't eaten a bite since he left and I know it's not good but I just can't eat right now. Worry, fear, sadness and complete devastation are taking control right now because everything is so fresh.
As for me filing, that is what he trying to force I do believe and it may come down to it just for survival although I don't want a divorce. I ask myself everyday why I love someone who would treat me so horribly? If I weren't sick, this would be different. I've always heard there is a thin line between love and hate and he must absolutely hate me if he won't even help when he knows I was diagnosed with cancer. He will get a job that pays cash and move out of this town so he cannot be found to get around paying me spousal support. Karma will get him on this one I believe.
Along with his father, I too am pretty disgusted with him. It sounds like you're handling this perfectly. Talking to an attorney, staying calm, and finding help on these blogs (especially since such a small town doesn't lend to making new friends easily). And I think it's probably best you haven't mentioned the phone calls/affair. It's pretty obvious at this point he doesn't even care if you know about it.
I have to apologize, I just assumed you wanted a divorce. I totally understand and commend you for not wanting to file.
I don't think it sounds like he hates you. It sounds like he hates himself. He's got to have serious insecurity issues. He isn't man enough to face anything, obviously, and would rather stay in denial. I don't mean to bash your husband, I know you love him, but I just think you should see that the problem is not you. You've obviously got a lot of love to offer someone and you deserve someone who will give it back.
You've very right about karma getting him back. He's making a nasty bed for himself that he'll eventually have to lay in.
Well after all this abusive treatment I'm not saying I won't file. I may have to for survival's sake. He has sunk lower than a snake's belly right now in my book and that thin line of love/hate may be on my side soon, especially if he literally lets me die from lack of good medical care. Of course I can get care but it won't be as good as with his insurance. Unfortunately I know the medical side of things as I used to be in the medical field. I know how it goes for patients who only have medicare/medicaid.
I have already had to suffer withdrawals from pain meds too by accident. I was taking several of meds at one time and my pain med fell out of my hand and rolled under the couch where I didn't see it. Within 12 hours I was so sick and suffered beyond belief. My H finally saw the pill under the edge of the couch the next day and told me. Then I realized that I was in withdrawal. Took the med and got better within an hour. The thought of having to go back on a med that doesn't handle the pain as well and what would happen if I couldn't afford the medicines at all, unbearable pain and withdrawal......I can't go thru that again.
I've prayed every moment to God to please hear my prayers to shake sense into him and please not let this happen to me but I also know that His will will be what it is. Maybe this is how it is all supposed to happen but believe me, I am so afraid!
Unfortunately, if this is the "Peter Pan Syndrome", you'll have to be the one to file for divorce. He lives in "Never Never Land". And the other woman is a "Tinker Belle". This other woman will get tired of him after a while. She will simply flutter on to another man.
I agree with you Aug....just to get the financial support I will desperately need, probably to no avail. I'm so hurt over all this and my thoughts are eating me alive right now. You are right though, she is a two bit tinkerbell and she will flutter away. I have to fight cancer right now, I can't fight both. He has hurt me so much.
It seems another day is coming to an end with H not coming to sign the refund checks. We decided to mail the taxes instead of rapid refund so we'd get all the money. Now I wish we hadn't. At least I could have gone ahead and gotten half of it if it had been direct deposited. I'm still in a very bad place and have cried most of the day wondering how on earth I deserve to be treated this way. Even though my father-in-law acted disgusted with H's actions I know he will still take H's side on this thing because blood is thicker than water as they say. How on earth can someone you've spent 16 years with turn out to be so cruel?
I am not calling my husband today and pushing him to sign the refund checks. I am however going to speak with the lawyer this afternoon about what I can possibly do about getting my half of the refund as I desperately need the money. I am in limbo with the medical care because he could drop me from the insurance in a hot minute. I cannot believe that he is treating me this way when he knows I should begin treatment for this cancer. Can any of you guys shed any light on why he would be this cruel to me right now?
Last edited by toomanytears; 04-16-2009 at 10:00 AM.
Reason: need to add something
I know part of it is his anger issue and his alcohol abuse but to not care about a woman you spent 16 years with that desperately needs to start treatment for cancer? That is beyond cruel. Can any of the gentlemen on the forum give me any insight as to what would push a man to do this? Does he seriously want me dead?
Well be proud of me, I did not call my husband at all today. On the flip side of the coin, he has yet to call or come by regarding my recent health developments or to sign the checks. I talked with one of his old bosses today. He stopped by to see "us" and he was shocked when I told him about the newly discovered affair and his treatment of me. He hugged me and told me that no matter what his wife did to make him angry there is no way on God's green earth that he would ever do this to his wife if she were in my condition. He offered his help to come and mow my grass at least as it is pretty out of hand right now due to all the rain. He is a sweet man. I told him I appreciated it because my little dog can barely go out and take care of business. It's a weenie dog and you know how short their little legs are. Oh well, I made it thru another day, now on to the night......
Well my situation just worsened! My father-in-law was killed day before yesterday morning in a car accident. Tried and tried to get husband to answer cell phone but he wouldn't so I had to send him a text to let him know it was an emergency about his Dad. He finally did contact me and of course he was 2 hours away with his new girlfriend. He lied to me and told me he was somewhere else but the amount of time it took him to get home said different.
When we first talked he was acting like husband, needing me and said I love you when we finally hung up. Told him I was going to his dad's house after I talked with authorities and to meet me there. Went there and was trying to pick up and clean while waiting. Then I get a call from him telling me not to touch anything in his dad's house and to get out of there and leave his stuff alone. I told him I was there because people were showing up. He hung up on me. When he finally got there he was cold and barely let me hug him. He was ashamed because he couldn't be found when his daddy got killed and he was caught by me because it took him and hour and a half longer to get home than where he told me he was and it was just the right amount of time from his gf's house. His cousin comes over and gets into it with me and it was quiet apparant that he has twisted the story of what was wrong in our marriage to justify his actions. I told her that if she had a problem with me, we'd take it up later but now was not the time to be starting this crap. I don't think she knows my husband has turned into an alcoholic and has been unfaithful with affair with OW. After she left husband tells me to leave and I said ok I will leave. I am going home to wash and press the clothes you will need and to get your suit etc. together. So about 3 hours later he comes to our house and he could still barely look me in the eyes and was being abusive verbally. I told him that I knew he was hurting over his Dad and I was sorry it had happened. He continued to verbally abuse me and I told him that I loved him but that I would not continue to put up with this treatment. I told him I was his wife and I was trying my best to support him but that I was not a doormat and would not continue to sit and allow him to verbally and mentally abuse me regardless of what had happened. He then told me he didn't want me to come to his dad's wake/funeral etc.. I said, Fine but know this, you have yet to sit down and talk to me about things that needed discussing and told him that I now knew why. Told him I knew about the OW and how long it had been going on, told him that I knew he had been telling me lies and that he had betrayed me and broken his marriage vows. Told him that I knew he was thinking he was getting away with this and was keeping me hanging on just in case the other didn't work out but this time I was not going to. I told him I was sick and tired of the passive aggressive treatment, him making others think he was a saint while twisting things to justify his actions. I told him that I had tried to get him to talk over and over but because he can't grow up that he doesn't know how to express his emotions. His face showed shock that I had found out about his lies and deception. I told him that I knew the guilt of what he was doing was eating him alive and because he is so emotionally immature that he was treating me this way, with all the anger, blame placing on my side, etc.. So yes, I BLEW UP! He doesn't care about me or us or anything. He is hating himself right now because I know him well enough that he feels this is KARMA....payback for what he has done to me.
I could not sit there and put up with that treatment when all I was trying to do is support him. I don't think there is anything in this marriage left to save. His actions and treatment of me in my condition with all the health problems tell me he doesn't care. When a man can walk away from a woman that is disabled, would have no income after he did it, and leave her to deal with cancer alone he is a sorry excuse of a man! I am over trying.
Need advice?
