My wife and I were together for 11 yrs and married for almost 9 yrs. We are both in our 30s and we have a 5 yr old son together.
My wife left me in February 2011 after arguing over issues of her financial irresponsibility and her interfering mother. She then moved in with her mom. She came back in late March 2011 after I basically begged her. Her mother was mad at her for moving back in with me.
During the first week we got back together, my wife admitted to abusing percocets. Her mom got her hooked and was selling them to her. That's where the money was going and why bills were being thrown out. She also admitted that her mom pressured her to get a lawyer and divorce me.
We did counseling. The counselor warned my wife that her relationship with her mom was toxic and affecting her marriage to me and that it would affect our son. My wife seemed to agree and supposedly cut ties with her mom. Her mom called her constantly trying to manipulate her with anger, threatened suicide, etc. Eventually we stopped going to counseling b/c we never hired a babysitter and her family wasn't available to do it either.
In April 2011, my wife had a new job as a site manager at a machine shop where it's mostly men. At some time during the summer, a 45 yr old guy (OM) that worked there asked a friend of mine (who also worked there) why I made my wife drive the crappier of our two cars. This should have been a red flag, but I ignored it.
Then in the winter of 2011, I was coaching wrestling for the local high school (and was getting paid for it). So my wife said she wanted to join her work pool league. I started noticing that she would put on perfume that I bought her for Christmas before she went to pool league.
One night after I was done with a wrestling meet, I decided to spy on her during pool league night. Most of the guys were old, biker looking guys, but (OM) was there too. I didn't see anything going on and then she noticed me there. She never got mad about it.
On Christmas, her mother came over to see our son. My wife turned her away. I gave in and told her to come in b/c it IS our son's grandmother. Her mother fed us a line of bullcrap by saying she's sorry for everything, etc. My wife and her mother went back to their old ways. Calling each other every day, visiting and hanging out.
In late March 2012, my wife and I had a series of arguments over what happened during the first separation and also the same issues that we had before. However, she was still intimate with me, said she loved me, and even bought tickets to see a concert in September.
Then on April 6th we were getting ready to visit my parents in upstate NY. I was stressed b/c we didn't have hardly any money. Then we had "the talk." I forget how it started, but she said she needed time to think b/c she doesn't want to argue the rest of our lives. So I was upset and told her to get her own apt. She said "where am I going to go?" I told her I was taking our son up to my parents and that she needed to find a place. I was upset b/c she was leaving me again.
On the way back from my parents, I found out that her mother called my mother blaming me for the problems in the marriage. When I got home, my wife and I talked and now she wanted a divorce. She stayed in the house until April 28th. During that time, I didn't come home until it was time for bed. I slept upstairs and she on the couch. She would ask me if I was mad at her. I told her I was giving her the space she wanted. I asked her why she wanted a divorce. She said that: (1) I was miserable and negative all the time; (2) that she felt she always had to rush home even if she was visiting relatives; and (3) that I wasn't motivated with my career. But she also told my mother that we do the same things all the time (boredom I guess).
I brought home the divorce papers and told her we should get started filling them out. She backed off and started making excuses like "I don't have the money," or "you won't have health insurance." Then she finally said "why can't we just be separated? Are you going to get married in the next year?"
She moved into her own apt April 28th. We started sharing custody of our son. Then I found phone calls on the cell phone bill to the guy from her work (OM) for 10-20 minutes a time. All but one call was after we had "the talk." I confronted her and she said it was just talk. They weren't intimate.
Since then I have gotten into good physical shape and got two interviews for the same position in my career. She has complimented me on how good I look and kept asking how my job interviews went. The thing with (OM) either never existed or seems over b/c she is mostly with her mother or other relatives all the time even when she doesn't have our son.
It's been nearly 3 months since "the talk" and just over 2 months since she moved out. She doesn't mention divorce. I don't call or text her. She mostly calls or texts about our son, but sometimes she'll call or text about something stupid and when I try to wrap up the call, she'll ask me how my day at work was or how my mom is doing. Other than that she shows no emotion toward me. What should I do? Wait it out? How long do I wait? Or should I give up?
It's been nearly 3 months since "the talk" and just over 2 months since she moved out. She doesn't mention divorce. I don't call or text her. She mostly calls or texts about our son, but sometimes she'll call or text about something stupid and when I try to wrap up the call, she'll ask me how my day at work was or how my mom is doing. Other than that she shows no emotion toward me. What should I do? Wait it out? How long do I wait? Or should I give up?
She's fishing to get you back. Most likely it didn't work out between her and the OM.
At the least they had EA and more possibly PA after she moved out. If you can confirm PA, will you still give her another chance or is that a deal breaker for you?
Keko - I'm not sure how I would feel about it until I hear it I guess. That's assuming she would tell me the truth. That was another issue I have with her. She lies and plays on words.
If you are interested in saving your marriage, a good place to start is to read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.
After that look at the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Start with "His Needs, Her Needs", then "Love Busters". If the two of you start getting back together have her read the ones in my signature block below and work through them together.
She's probaby get upset about the "Surviving an Affair", , so don't even mention that one to her unless she acknowledges having an afffair.
I would also suggest that you start dating your wife again. Start by just asking her out for coffee, something very simple.
I'm confused as to which approach I should take. Either "give her space and make her miss me" or "try to start dating my wife." I don't want to seem desperate to her and I'm afraid that if I ask her out even for coffee, it will look that way.
Right now she thinks I don't want to talk to her b/c when she calls me about our son, I am pleasant, but brief. Same goes with when I drop off my son at her apt.
Also, how do I ask her out for coffee or whatnot when one of us is always supposed to be spending time with our son? The only time I can think of would be on her lunch break while my son is at daycare. Thoughts?
It's been nearly 3 months since "the talk" and just over 2 months since she moved out. She doesn't mention divorce. I don't call or text her. She mostly calls or texts about our son, but sometimes she'll call or text about something stupid and when I try to wrap up the call, she'll ask me how my day at work was or how my mom is doing. Other than that she shows no emotion toward me. What should I do? Wait it out? How long do I wait? Or should I give up?
You are in a tough position, do you fight for the marriage or end it all? Here is the rub, when a woman says she "needs space" or "to think", it generally means she is done but doesn't want to tell you directly. She does not want to look bad and admit she ended the marriage. Your chance of reconciliation is decreasing with every day she is gone.
I know that you are full of emotions and don't want to deal with the unknown of being single. I've been there and done that. As much as it hurts, I recommend you start detaching yourself emotionally from your wife. Continue to go to the gym, get that promotion/new job, and be a great Dad to your son. It is hard to get over a relationship that has lasted a third of your lifetime, so don't expect miracles overnight.
I recommend you see an attorney and discuss your options. Determine what you would want out of a divorce and develop a plan to get what you want.
Are you sending her money/paying her to leave you?
No, I'm not sending her money.
Here's an update. Last Wednesday when I dropped my son off at her apt, I asked if she wanted to take him to Friendly's (restaurant) for dinner b/c it was kid's night (they eat free). Without hesitation she said "sure." She wanted to get changed to go and asked me inside. Then she asked me if I would give her my opinion on 2 dresses that she bought. She tried them both on and I told her I liked both but preferred one over the other. We went to dinner with our son. No relationship talk--only small talk, talk about work, and some funny stuff that our son did/said recently. It went well. Then in the car as I was dropping them both off at her apt, she said she's playing in softball games for her work and that I was welcome to go watch her. Overall a positive vibe, but should I put any stock into this behavior? Also, she makes it a point to let me know where she went or who she was with (which is always with her brothers or their girlfriends). I still don't call or text b/c I don't want to pressure. Thoughts?
i feel like (IMO) when men say they want space, they want space. when a woman asks for space, it means they want you to "realize" you might loose them and they want you to pursue them. kinda like when you say, "what's wrong?" and woman says "nothing". it doesn't really mean nothing. i feel like at this point your relationship could go either way, it really depends on what you want.
Ok, I really need help from all of you. Since my last post, I found out that my wife is still seeing the OM from her work. She took him and my son on a camping trip and all 3 slept in the same tent. My 5 yr old son knows his name, but calls him "mommy's friend." I confronted her about this and she said it was a two-room huge tent and that she and my son slept in one room while OM slept on the opposite side in the other room. I have asked her what does this guy have that I don't. She's not able to answer the question. She said "I'm not in love with him" and that "it's not serious." I stopped asking questions after that. She took a trip to Maine this weekend with OM. She says they've been together for 6 weeks.
However, she has also told me she could get free Red Sox tickets from her work and asked me if I'd like to go with her and my son.
Also, I had texted her a few days before this to ask her when we could switch the cell phone plan to one of my own. She freaked. Started calling me and texting me like crazy. Here's the dialogue:
Me: Can we get the cellphone switched over this week? Thanks.
Her: Can u call my work phone when u have a sec
Her: I don't have a problem with that at all but is something wrong?
Me: Ok thanks.
Her: We have to pay the whole balance
Her: Can u please call me.
Me: Sorry I'm in court. I can call you later. Thanks.
Her: Is everything ok?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Ok it just seems out of nowhere. I don't at all mind. I hope u would tell me if I upset you this weekend. I was not meaning to be rude
Me: No it's ok.
Her: Well I hope you would tell me if something was wrong. Are we still gonna go out for (my son's name) bday wed
So What is going on here? Seems like she's in the fog with her new relationship but doesn't want to let me go either. I was thinking of filing for divorce. I can't take the purgatory anymore. If we divorce, I'll still be civil with her, but no more. That way I can move forward with my life and not have to worry about how long she and OM will last or whatever. Then, nothing says that we can't reconcile some time in the future. I definitely would never marry her again though.
Please give me your opinions on this situation. I need all the help I can get right now.
Umm, your wife is regularly sleeping with another man, even taking your son to him and you're still on the fence whether to divorce her? Dude, man up and divorce her a$$.
Your the fall back guy, just incase your chick and OM don't work out you will always be around for her.
Its really no big deal if you don't mind sharing your wife, but at this point whats it matter she has her own place and can act like she is no longer married. But when the time comes she will have you for what ever she needs.
She just keeps giving you a little piece at a time. She is very careful to not completely push you away, so the dates and the small keep coming.
I personaly think she is cake eating, she has it made, you aren't going any were and what little scraps you get from her you take. She has the best of both worlds.
I suggest you let this one go so you can find a women that will make you a prioity. Someone that will not emotionally toture you. A women that wants to be with you and only you....Let me tell you it feels great, you should try it. I know it sucks to be second choice, but poeple will get away with what ever they can, its up to you to tolorate it or not.
You can't control her, there is no competing with the new relationship, but you can control what you will tolorate and let her go.
Get it?
There is no hope as long as the new OM is in picture, hence the reason to move on, go dark, show her the indifference that will protect you from more pain.
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Separated 2nd Time - Should I Give Up? 
