Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
Wonderful! Just wonderful! Look at how much energy he is spending trying to get you back that he could be using on the OW. Does this seem like a half assed attempt to keep you as a back up plan? I don't see a dozen roses from the grocery store and a sloppily written Hallmark card. He's really trying here and it seems he prefers spending time with you.
Now there still is the question as to whether he is going to remain consistent once he gets the affection from you he seeks, but don't be so quick to look a gift horse in the mouth here. Always, always, always keep reminding yourself that the more time he spends with you is time he is away from her. Even if they are taking a so called "break" you have advantages she doesn't.
Your story is very similar to Daisygirl41's where her husband started getting fed up with the OW and he spent Mother's Day and her birthday with her. He started making excuses to spend more and more time together with her because she was so friendly and not lashing out at him anymore. It was only like 6-8 weeks later that he came home complaining that the OW was being too controlling and he was done with her. HE said he had been meaning to break up with the OW but couldn't decide until then.
What I constantly told her that I am sure I will have to drill into you is to stop arguing with what you want being not what he wants and just enjoy spending a little time together. Show him your mature enough to spend a couple hours together, not once talking about the two of you or his relationship with the OW. Enough time has passed that he should be open to friendship without bashing you. Nevertheless, keep all time between you two together with the kids to 4-5 hours or less with breaks when you need them. I found anything over 12 hrs causes fights and you sort of OD on each other.
You will really have to exercise the 180 and not complain no matter what. I saw hickeys on my wife that could have sent me off in a rage but I chose to not spoil a good time.... and I knew the OM did that just to leave his mark (Jealous much). Start with something simple and follow the three Cs (conversation, comfort, and cheap). Try going out to eat at a cafe with your children once a week or once every two weeks. You each pay for your own meal and give each other the space you need when you need it. Your H will need to keep in touch with the OW to reassure her that you're not doing anything together, and you'll need space to cry silently in the bathroom and let the visine for red eyes kick in before you come out.
Not going to lie this is going to be very difficult and you may need to seek out some medication like an antidepressant or something to keep you from freaking out on him. Just know that every fight you have with him from here on will push him further away and that will take twice as much time to undue. Even if you don't want him back yet you will still benefit from this practice. AND watching the OW crash and burn is the best secret victory you could ever wish for.
Just be thankful she's only 18 and won't see what's coming next. If you had to deal with a manipulative long drawn out divorce and see them experience a second honeymoon you'd loose your mind take a lot longer to heal from. But even those affairs end broken promises to remarry and crushed expectations of the AP being better than the BS.
Have you read "Divorce Remedy" after this you need to get a copy!
Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
Nsweet, thank you so much for your feedback. I don't know if I could ever take him back.... I just know that this hurts, that's all. What I wanted to ask you is, what is the ending to your story? Are you back with your wife? What happened?
Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
Hey Honey,
Wow. So, he cleaned your entire house??...that was strange.
But, truthfully, I still won't read much into it. As Conrad&Janie said, I think I would just step back and observe. ...see what he does next....but, don't make any assumptions. Don't read too much into it.
I am guilty of reading into my ex's actions and words a little too much. He was acting really down lately around me and half-way decent, so I thought it was because perhaps he was missing being part of a family---maybe regretting leaving his family??. ...but, no. I was wrong. He recently wrote me an email stating that he didn't get his summer salary like he thought he was going to get and that his grants fell through. He is in dire financial straits, and he wrote me a sob story about this. And, his strategy worked. Because he was acting decent to me lately, and acting depressed/sad/regretful when I was around him, I now do feel badly for him. ....but, I am trying to keep my wits about me...I am trying to fight the urge to "save" him.
So, I guess my point is this....yes, what your STBXH did was nice. ...and strange ...and unlike him. But, it was just ONE action. Don't read too much into it. Just say "thanks" to him, and go about living your life as you normally would. Don't waste too much time hypothesizing at the reasons why he did what he did. His motives will probably show up sooner or later. ...be careful with that heart of yours, Honey. Don't open it up too wide for him.
As a side note...Wow. Your teacher-friends! Holy cow! They seem like a pretty wild bunch! Geeez.
Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
...oh...and I have no idea if my ex is still has a girlfriend. She lives on the other side of the country from him. So, if they are still having an affair, I am sure that it is not a very fulfilling one.
Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
No one says you have to take him back or even like him for that matter, but it would be better for your children if you could get along.
Besides I think he knows how hard winning your approval will be after this. He risks losing his kids, his job, and God knows how much money over some awkward teenage sl*t that won't want him in a few years.
Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
jpr, serves him right. He seriously should have thought about her moving before he left EVERYTHING that mattered.
As for the teachers yup, a complete train wreck. I feel disillusioned to be honest. I thought at least some people who seem professional on the outside were grown up. Not sure about people anymore. Everybody seems to be f*ucked up to the point that when you're not completely mental, you're the odd one out. Was everyone neglected as a child? Seriously! And no, I won't open my heart up... my issue is that closing it off becomes more challenging when he's nice to me. I don't want to get all sentimental!
NSweet, yeah it will be damn hard to get my approval. I suppose I'll treat this as an isolated incident for now, for my own sanity. I'll update this thread if something else goes down.
What's done is done, I simply wish it never happened to begin with. Even if the insanity subsides, it won't make a different in the end. I hope OW crawls up his a*ss so hard he'll have to forcibly remove her. She deserves that. And he deserves what he will get. Dumbsh*t.
Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeystly
jpr, serves him right. He seriously should have thought about her moving before he left EVERYTHING that mattered.
As for the teachers yup, a complete train wreck. I feel disillusioned to be honest. I thought at least some people who seem professional on the outside were grown up. Not sure about people anymore. Everybody seems to be f*ucked up to the point that when you're not completely mental, you're the odd one out. Was everyone neglected as a child? Seriously! And no, I won't open my heart up... my issue is that closing it off becomes more challenging when he's nice to me. I don't want to get all sentimental!
NSweet, yeah it will be damn hard to get my approval. I suppose I'll treat this as an isolated incident for now, for my own sanity. I'll update this thread if something else goes down.
What's done is done, I simply wish it never happened to begin with. Even if the insanity subsides, it won't make a different in the end. I hope OW crawls up his a*ss so hard he'll have to forcibly remove her. She deserves that. And he deserves what he will get. Dumbsh*t.
Honeystly,
Most people are really screwed up.
What the people in this forum don't realize is that they have an opportunity to wake up that many people never get.
Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
Today was poop. I actually caught myself having a little fantasy about stbxh knocking on the front door all wet from the rain in the late evening hours, me opening the door and asking him what he is doing here, and him falling on his knees and crying, begging for forgiveness. I then tell him that I will not stay married but we can date secretly so his family doesn't know and doesn't ruin it for us, and we go to MC.... then I started feeling like a pathetic loser for thinking such stupid thoughts, while he's hanging out with OW. He went away for a couple of days today, either to see his parents or to spend some time with her. S*it like this makes me hate myself. I know I shouldn't think these stupid thoughts, yet they sneak up on me. What cured me is my little boy crying for his dad again, and his dad most likely screwing some dumb b*tch, with no consideration for anybody but herself.
He can take his cleaning of the house and stick it up his as*s! Yeah, still angry...
Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
This is normal, honey. Try to snap yourself out of those fantasies as soon as possible...keep a lost of the and stuff nearby at all times. Eventually you will memorize it and be able to stop them faster! Posted via Mobile Device
Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
Thanks MyselfAgain. It's hard to feel your feelings are valid when somebody who was meant to love you till they died, just shat on them without any consideration. I used to be so confident.... now I just feel ashamed and not good enough. Today at least.
Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeystly
Thanks MyselfAgain. It's hard to feel your feelings are valid when somebody who was meant to love you till they died, just shat on them without any consideration. I used to be so confident.... now I just feel ashamed and not good enough. Today at least.
You are the loyal and faithful wife; why should you feel bad? You are not good enough for a cheater who takes advantage of naive young girls? Balderdash!! Use your anger to complete the divorce. Concentrate on YOU. Take action; do things to make yourself feel better.
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Re: 6 months since he left.... something's changed but what? 
And, his strategy worked. Because he was acting decent to me lately, and acting depressed/sad/regretful when I was around him, I now do feel badly for him. 
...be careful with that heart of yours, Honey. Don't open it up too wide for him. 
Holy cow! They seem like a pretty wild bunch! Geeez.
That is the highlight of my evening.
