silent_bob

hi all

i'm not sure i am looking for any advice or pearls of wisdom as i am realistic enough to know that every scenario for married couples is different but i wanted to share my situation

my wife this week has asked me to leave and for us to separate.

there has been no infidelity by either myself or my wife but the marriage has been a struggle for a number of years now and the tension, explosive arguments is not healthy for either us or our 4 children.

my wife has been a constant source of support since we married and for the last 8 years we have been together but for a period of 4 years i took her, our partnership and family for granted

without needing to go into finite detail i had depression, a gambling addiction and anger management issues. these all hit the surface about 2 years ago and my wife, whilst angry and hurt, supported me through counselling to deal with my issues.

whilst, thankfully, i have managed to deal with these things, alot through my wifes support our relationship has deteriorated as she has not been able to deal with the lies, deceit and hurt that impacted on her and our children.

consequently any arguement recently (last 3 months) has degenerated into a full scale slanging match, her relaying everytime i've lied, hurt and disrespected her and for my part questioning her parenting, spitefullness and disrespect. it isn't at all nice for either or us or the children.

so there's some back ground, and now the wife wishes for a separation. she hasn't put me under any pressure to leave immediately, she would like for me to stay in the same village so there is as little impact on the children as possible.

she states, and i understand and believe her, that she has nothing more to give, she wants time and space from us as a couple to, avoid the destructive nature of our relationship and any negative effect on the children.

she has set no time scales, she is promising nothing insofar as hope for future but we both admit that we still love each other

i have no expectations but hope that in time we can discover the people we were that first fell in love but am realistic enough to know it is going to be a horribly difficult time for us both

obviously any advice, comment would be welcome

Married in VA

Do not leave your house. You will be at a HUGE disadvantage in future court proceedings. In the absence of abuse, you stay and the kids stay. You need to carry a voice activated recorder on your person when in the home with your wife so that if she tries to falsely accuse you of domestic violence you have a "witness" so to speak. Besides, how are you going to afford two households? Maybe you should suggest to her that if she is so unhappy maybe SHE should leave. Women are NOT entitled to the marital home when things go bad. It is a JOINTLY owned asset.

tacoma

Do not leave your home.
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justabovewater

These comments bring up a simple question. Why do you all advise not to leave the house? My husband left the home last summer, but wishes to have no part of it in terms of any proceeds from the sale of it when it comes time to sell. He also has no interest in any of the bills that we have acquured during the marriage. His thinking is. I'm giving you the house and you stand to make a profit when it comes time to sell, so you can take the bills too.

worrieddad

If she is the one who wants the separation, she should be the one to leave.

tacoma

* She wants to end the marriage, she leaves the home.
* Leaving the home in some cases in some states from a mans POV can be construed as abandonment in a divorce court.
* Depending on ownership of the home it could be an economic mistake.

gopherstatedad

As tacoma stated it is construed as abandonment of the home AND family. It is almost assured to get him minimum custody of his children if they proceed with a divorce.

It sounds like Married in VA and his spouse wants to work on the marriage but need a time of separation. If you think the separation would indeed help and there isn't a way to share the home (live together yet separate) then you may consider having an attorney draw up a temporary parenting arrangement that spells out when you each have parenting time and that the party moving out is not to be considered abandoning the home. Make sure it is as close to what you would want in the event you do go down the divorce road. This gives you both space and helps protect you in the future.

silent_bob

thank you for your comments.

in this situation we are renting and do not own our house outright.

we have agreed today a split in financial responsibilities and have drafted a separation agreement which two friends have agreed to sign as witnesses

i'll be staying until i can find something in the same area that we live in so i can see the children as much as possible

the atmosphere is somewhat strained as you would expect and we have now told friends and family of the situation - all of whom are offering as much support as is needed

as for some of the comments relating to 'voice recorder' i do not feel this is needed