divorce filed but i didnt want ti
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Going Through Divorce or Separation » divorce filed but i didnt want ti

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 07-08-2012, 01:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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My wife wanted a divorce she said after she cant handle the controlling issues any longer. Everything in our troubled marriage has been my fault. I am the bad guy and give her some much stress she drinks everyday. I filed for divorce after she told me over and over it was done, she was done, and that she did not want to attend a therapy session I scheduled for us. I didnt want to do it because I dont treat marriage as a commodity and wanted to try everything i could do to prevent our untimely end. Now I just feel horrible. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Has anyone gone through this and thought they made a big mistake for filing?
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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You can stop the divorce proceedings at any time. I would just caution that you weigh out all options regarding your marriage honestly prior to doing so.

The drinking may turn into a severe roadblock in your marriage. If your wife isn't willing to go to MC or IC, getting through this low time in your marriage can prove even more difficult.
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Have you been in IC? You mentioned that all of the problems in your marriage were your fault.
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Old 07-08-2012, 08:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I have been. Currently she blames me for everything and will not take ownership for any of the so called problems.
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Old 07-08-2012, 08:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: divorce filed but i didnt want ti

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Has anyone gone through this and thought they made a big mistake for filing?
Yes, for different reasons, but she's the one who wanted to end the relationship, just wasn't able to control her own life enough to do anything proactive to make it happen so she just went out partying with her friends all the time, cheating and claiming how miserable in the marriage she was. Filing for D was my way to get out of my limbo, I don't regret it at all even though it was never my desire to divorce her.
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Old 07-08-2012, 08:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I asked her about mc and she said no she was done, its over, and she told her friends she was checked out. She has two kids from a previous marriage and I have raised those boys as if my own. I filed for D because i didnt want to have to delay the inevitable. Now i feel like i should have waited to see if she would have done it on her own.
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Old 07-08-2012, 08:48 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: divorce filed but i didnt want ti

lmc, sorry to hear of what you're going through. i'm not as far along as you are but have the same feelings. my wife plans on filing in a few weeks and i don't know whether to speed things along or to slow things down in order to heal. wish i had some real advice to give you; all i can offer is sharing in your perspective and to say i'm sorry.
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Old 07-08-2012, 08:53 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I think you did the right thing. It is so hard right now, I know, but limbo is soooooo much worse. Take it from me, I can't file in my state for a year. I didn't want a D either, but my stbxh has taken no responsibility for anything, hasn't paid one bill of HIS since he left,and I suspect he is cheating, so in the end D is the better option. You don't want to be strung along...it will be easier for you to heal outside of limbo, trust me.
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Old 07-08-2012, 09:25 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Let her go. Your wife will do only what she wants to do.

One day she'll realize her bad choices for what they are/were and come back. But by then, you'll most likely want nothing to do with her.
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Old 07-08-2012, 09:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Yes, for different reasons, but she's the one who wanted to end the relationship, just wasn't able to control her own life enough to do anything proactive to make it happen so she just went out partying with her friends all the time, cheating and claiming how miserable in the marriage she was. Filing for D was my way to get out of my limbo, I don't regret it at all even though it was never my desire to divorce her.
It's interesting that she has not filed. But if you file first, it can have it's advantages. Make sure you have a good lawyer.
That was my practically my situation. Everything was great until she confessed her affair and suddenly the marriage has been "damaged" over the last several years. She never owned up to her poor choices & decisions.
I tried MC, meeting her needs, etc. but her heart was no longer into working on the marriage. It took me a year since discovery to finally realize that no matter what I did, she wasn't going to try to work on our marriage. Limbo sucks. So I filed for divorce when I knew I had no regrets in trying to help repair the marriage and that once I made the decision, I would not change my mind. I have now been divorced for a month. Is this something I expected or wanted? No. But I don't regret my decision one bit. You deserve someone that loves you & cares about you. The woman you married is no longer that person. And there are many women out there that will be there for you when you are ready. I wish you the best. Good luck!
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Old 07-08-2012, 11:22 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thank you for all the feedback. We have only been married 3 years on July 31st. Her second my first. I just look at marriage as the solemn vow and really thought we should try everything to work on repair before the big d. I didnt want the boys to see their father (not me) divorced twice, and their mother divorced twice. Im going through all the heart ache, sad, misery, feeling like a failure things. Their was no infidelity just seems like alot of anger, but you know i never heard her take any ownership into the decline.
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Old 07-08-2012, 04:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I know the divorce is in the process, only a few days, but I was thinking of writing her a letter. Im not going to beg for her back, but I want her to read my feelings. I also am trying so hard not to text or drive by our home to see her, man this is so hard.
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Old 07-08-2012, 05:23 PM   #13 (permalink)
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If you write the letter, don't send it to her. Keep it, mail it to yourself, or post it here on TAM to vent. Your feelings don't matter anymore. It is all about HER! Selfish people only care about themselves.

What's the time period between your wife's 1st D and when you all started dating? How long before you were married?
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:06 PM   #14 (permalink)
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She had been divorced for 2 years. We dated for 18 months. I never wanted this, I never expected this. I am by no way perfect in this marriage, and can accept that I caused some of her hurt by things I said and ways I acted through some of our difficult times. I have been IC and was making headway, but she blew up on me a week ago and just went on this rant about how she was so done with me and wanted a divorce. I told her that we should think about trying to get a third party to discuss why we yell at each other and why we say the things we say, but she was totally numb to it.

What about the children? If the marriage was able to be fixed, I thought to myself that the boys could be shown that two people can reconcile. A great success story, but it looks as though it will never be given a chance.

Am i wrong to try and do everything I can even though i filed? Im 37 but have never felt this way about any woman before..
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: divorce filed but i didnt want ti

Hi Im going through the same my husband wants the divorce and he already filled the divorce ... im reading this Stop your divorce by Homer McDonald and the case against divorce..by diane medvet.

I feel guilty too coz in two years i didnt treat him so well..but now i feel so bad of losing my home and my kids(dogs).

I think with Homer Mc donald is a good book n usefull

PM if u want Im 27 and i have never felt like that before too ...
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