I posted here before, but took it down because I thought the wife would see it. Not the case, so I am back.
Here's the story - Met wife 12 years ago at work, I transferred in from another state. Became friends instantly. I was single, she was married. She divorced 1st hubby, 2001, abuse, seen it. She stayed single till 2004, married someone we both knew, his sister and I both told her not to marry him, he was bad news, she did it anyway. They married Nov 05, divorced Jan 06, abuse, seen it again. We talked and decided we should give us a try, so we did. Got together april 06,married Dec 08, still together, for now.
We have had to lease since we been together, my job required frequent moving. I finally got a job where we could stay put. We bought a home in April this year, moved in May of this year. In May, she tells me, shes unhappy, in hell, doesnt want me to touch her and wants out, two weeks after we move in.
Basically she says she has never really got past thinking of me as family, we have talked everyday for 12 years.She says she finally hit that point that she cant fight it anymore and needs to be by herself. She is my second marriage, I am her third, I a m 37 she is 33.
Now I have read enough on here, she is not having a EA or PA, already investigated, several steps ahead. She is just thinking all about her right now.
Anyway, we still have half the house boxed up from the move and so far he has no done one thing to pack or move out. She said we are splitting up and she cant change the way she feels.
So here we are nothing being done on her part, all the pictures still up, we still go out, havent been intimate since April, sleep in different rooms.
We have friends that play in a rock band, they just let their lead singer go and want a female lead singer, my wife is a amazing singer, they asked her, she accepted. her father who is a musician told her that was insensitive to me under the current situation. She came home the other day, asked me if I was mad at her and do I want her to hold off on the band thing? I said hold off till when, she said, I guess till we spilt up, I said when is That?, she quickly changed the subject. I am getting mixed signals, all the time, but she says she is done. Like I said, other than the intimacy and her hanging out with friends more, nothing is really different. I have told her if we split, I will be moving back to my home state, 1 1/2 hours away, never to return and all communication will be cut off, we have no kids.
Lost in Limbo Land.
Any thoughts? I know this group is full of advice, i have read many posts.
Maybe she is being honest, she sees you as family and you were there when she needed you. It sounds like she still needs you but no as a husband. I dont think thats fair to ask after you cross a certain line but I think thats where she is at.
Could be, it just kills me we have been together six years, the sex was great, everybody was jealous of our relationship, how close we were. How she could buy this house with me, then two weeks later, drop this bomb! I dont know what she is doing now? I take care off paying the bills, even her credit card. Is she planning her exit, is she in a tug of war,(which she has mentioned) she has said, why do you think i havent done anything? its to hard. My thing is, the longer this goes unresolved, the longer she has to look at me.
We actually went to two sessions, one together, one apart, basically she said it was done, the counselor told her she should move out. She has told her family what is going on and they have turned against her, I have been around 12 years, they know me and how I treat her, they are mega pissed and basically are not talking to her right now.
I dont if Mc will help, I have suggested sexual counseling, since that is where the problem lies, thinking of me as family isnt good for that.
I really need some advice here on this ongoing saga, please? Its been two months now since she told me she wasnt happy and not in love with me. Still no intimacy, not touching what so ever, still in separate rooms. She says she is in no hurry to end this?????? She has brought up filing probably 5 times in the past two months. The only thing she has done so far is look up our state laws on divorce and open a checking account, that I had to co-sign on so she could have one.
We have conversations, we go out, just went to the lake this weekend.
She has asked a close friend if she wants to be her roommate. Other than that nothing else is being done on her part. She has told our friend, she needs to fix herself and said she does need therapy. If we do split, I have to move back to my hometown 1 1/2 hours away. She has asked me several times to stay here when we split, I always say no, I have to go back. I truly do not understand what she is waiting on, if she is done, then she is done. I am doing the 180 as best as I can...
She is in no hurry to end your relationship because you are still fulfilling some of her (immediate) needs: companionship, shelter, financial stability (checking account), etc.
And, if she is inquiring about being someone's roommate, then it sounds like she has already made up her mind about your relationship.
I'm sure she knows how much you love her. But she has acknowledged to her friend that she also needs to work on herself. She can't/won't be the person you need, deserve, and love until she is 100% in love with herself. And, even though she realizes the need for IC, she won't receive the full benefit of therapy until SHE is ready to do so.
So, the question becomes what will YOU do now? I don't think it's fair for you to keep living in limbo.
You are correct, my friends says she is "having her cake and eating it to" I agree.I guess my hold up is, once i am gone I am gone for good.It probably would be different if I was staying in the same town, there would be a remote chance if she got it together, who knows. But she knows I will move out of state once this is done and will not return and so do I.
I know I am pretty much being walked on at the moment, I just feel trapped, because we just bought this house and I flat cant leave until its sold, (which its still not up for sell yet) I still cant get over why she would have bought this house with me and drop that bomb two weeks later. I know women think these things through for months, years, why would she do this if she didnt want me anyway?
I still cant get over why she would have bought this house with me and drop that bomb two weeks later. I know women think these things through for months, years, why would she do this if she didnt want me anyway?
She didn't want to rock the boat. Gotta keep up the cake-eating.
Is it possible to rent the house? Are you near a university or in an area that may appeal to young professionals?
I really just want to sell. I have made it clear to her, when this is all done, all communication will cease. She will not hear from me ever again. I dont want to leave, because I am from a very small town, but I cant stay here. She was one of the first people I met when I moved here 12 years ago. Everyone i know, she knows, i could never escape her. This is the one time in my life, i cant handle seeing a ex with someone else.
We were best friends for six years before we got together, been together six years. I flat just cant do it, I have to leave. we put our new camper up for sell today, actually i did, but when I try to discuss anything else like the house, our belongings, our three cats, she shuts down and wont talk about it. Idk.
Ok, I am really trying this 180 thing, but this is tough. I have to figure out hot to have her fall in love with me again. We sleep in separate rooms, she doesn't want me touching her, but we still talk and go places together. She has threatened filing several times, but nothing yet. We have put a camper up for sale, but no packing, no house looking, no saving money to move, nothing on her part. Today is her birthday and her mom is taking us out to eat, then she wants her and I to go out afterwards.
Any advice for me on how to continue??
Ok, so maybe it is getting worse. It has been over 2 months now since the w told me she was unhappy and wanted out (2 weeks after we bought a new home, I was carrying in boxes when she told me) So basically, she does her thing and I do mine. he is not doing anything to end this. We put our new camper up for sale, no big deal, that is a expense that will be gone, yeah! But house is not up for sale, only been discussed a couple of times. No looking for a place to live, no bringing home boxes, nothing. I know this because I have a keylogger on the computer, nothing.
I can understand if she is comfortable, but she says it uncomfortable here and she doesnt want to be here. Shes telling everyone we are getting divorced. So my question is, how long can this go on? at some point she will want to meet someone, I would say and unless this stuff is done, we are stuck together. I know she doesnt have anyone, she is with the same friends all the time and home at the same time everyday. So what gives???
I know, she is living how she wants to, while I take care of everything at home. I told her in the beginning of this, I would not do anything to end us, if she wanted that she would have to do it.
Well I have hit my breaking point I think. My problem is, the only place I have to move to, is my old hometown 1 1/2 hours away.
She has been told by her family and close friends, she is not welcome to come live them. That is why she is hanging with this other group of people is because they dont care, because they are not in relationships and are barfly's.
We have to put this house up for sale, only been here two months, we are going to take a bloodbath financially on it. We have a 1 yr old camper up for sale, again bloodbath financially, plus the debt we already have. I am highly considering bankruptcy just so I can get out of here and save my sanity.
I guess I will have to take control of this and see what happens. I take care of everything else, why not this to.
It truly amazes me, her family and close friends what she is giving up. I do everything for her, I have always shown tremendous love, security, compassion, fun, etc. We finally got the house we always wanted, we have good jobs, wonderful pets, great friends, etc. She is going to give this up to live in a dinky apartment or rental house, to hang out in bars and basically be a groupie with all the band friends. I dont think I will ever understand this.