Distant wife
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Old 07-11-2012, 01:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Distant wife

I've been married for 16 years now but together for 20 years. I admit and agree with my wife with all of these years i am an passive aggressor. in the pasted i was able to succefully change for a 1 1/2 and to continue i just needed a refreshed from the therapist. We have 3 kids now 21, 18, 13. The biggest problem i got is , i reconize my errors but i can't communicate my answers to her. my wife tends to have this nagging effect that did push me away but couldn't reach out and talk because i closed myself to answer so this brought anger and blew up in fights.

This time my wife is distant of me( i understand why becasue of my anger and no comunication). We talk like a married couple and sleep in the same bed. If i fall asleep on the sofa she would wake me up and go in bed but now she will leave me there. We share the same washroom, she really gets naked infront of me and changes, shower if i am there or not. Go to work in the same car and we e-mail everyday to talk about small things and go to the gym together even laught or help each other and eat in a familly sitting but there is no sex, no touching nor any kissing...she is cold as ice. She slips out the word "honey" twice a day about and no it's not by habit. I look in her eyes and i see just black emotion for me. It's the fire is out and the wood is wet. I have one match only to light this...!!!

She is giving me a third chance to prove to make this happen. She tells me that she loves me but not in love anymore. After realizing this massive error from my part i booked 16 session of therapist for the next 16 weeks starting this Friday.

She is willing to wait for me but she gave me a warning sign that she might never see the end of the tunnel but ready to work with me. It's a bit confusing for me to understand where she is heading?

We have discuss very quietly yesterday that from out of the 20 years of marriage, not only me was wrong in this equation but more a 50/50. Why didn't she seek some therapy. She could'nt answer. I told her very clear that i will not loose 20 years of this and look over the fence to see the green grass when it's mud. I am ready to change.

After 1 week(i know it's not long) for the third time, i understand that it is really not easy for her so she doesn't trust me to change.
but this is a big stain on my hart.

This is really motionally draining for me because she has me in a mixed emotion effect because. I am seeking help to be better communicator. She is willing to seek therapy by herself and then she tells me in some hurting words for me.

That she can't garantee that she will fall back in love with me advise this could be months she doesn't know when she will come back from all this. I think she is angry and indirectly, since she got the end of the stick, she is making me suffer of some kind.

NO NO NO....she didn't cheat on me.

My questions are these.

-when will i see some acceptance in her for me.
-I will give all my love that i have not lost but how can i feel the in love is returning or a sign of it.
-do you think at the end this will reverse the role that i will not wait for her anymore and i will move on by myself because i suffered enought?

Thank you
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Old 07-11-2012, 01:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Posts: 21,989
Default Re: Distant wife

I think you need a lot of help to get your relationship onto a new, healthy track.

The best suggestion I have is for you to get the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Part of the path forward is to improve yourself... that's what your threapy sessions are about. The books are about your marriage and how to build it into what you want it to be.

The key is to fill your wife's 'love bank'. The books will explain this.
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses

To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:46 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Distant wife

First, not all marriages end because of fighting or adultery. Some marriages just die on the vine. They get sick and die before either party realises it. Sounds to me like your marriage is a victim of mutual neglect.

You and your wife need marriage counseling badly.

First, find a pro-marriage counselor: one who will be tough and no-nonsense and hold both pairs of feet to the fire. Not all MCs are pro-marriage believe it or not. You may have to go through a few to weed out the flakes and find one who has their head screwed on straight.

Make an appointment and tell the wife she is going with you. Don't give her an opt out.

If she refuses to go to counseling, then you have your answer.
Then go to independent counseling (IC), start detaching and do the 180 (the link is right below my post here) because your wife has obviously checked out of the marriage without telling you first.
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Old 07-11-2012, 09:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Distant wife

Thank you for the reply,

I think you know where i am standing right now!!!. I am starting councelling for first time single and my wife will do the same and actually she really did accept to go. like you said this is very much about mutual agreement. The only thing she tells me is the famous phrase i love you but not in love. She told me that she is giving me this third chance for me. I did councelling in the pasted 3 times in 16 years but my wife never did. Because i have not seen from my eyes that she was the problem but at the end of the line....i think this pasted overdue for my wife and i.....but attacks my hart by saying...i can't garantee this will work but we do live marriage life...i hate delimas of time line. I tols her strait out. I loce you and i am in love with you and i am not going to loose 16 years...I do not show any fear infront of her and it makes her a bit more jealous that i am doing fine...could this be.
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