Discussing Separation Agreement That I DO NOT WANT

confused2301 · 07-11-2012, 10:52 AM

Hi Everyone, like others I am struggling with my separation from my husband. Long story short he has struggled with his decision to leave for a year and left for good March 30. We have had little to no contact except for over email regarding our dog and him wanting to move on. He says he doesn't love me and we will not work. He bailed on any type of counselling that might have helped us. I have asked for 3 months to get myself together and needless to say I am still hurting.

We are meeting tonight to negotiate an agreement. We haven't had a conversation in person in about 3 months. I have no closure and no real reason as to why he left. He keeps denying an affair though I am not 100% sure.

I am still an emotional mess. I want more than anything to work us out but he clearly doesn't feel the same way. Is it worth asking one more time or am I setting myself up for more pain? How do I act?? I feel like we are strangers, that he has emotionally and physically cut me out of his life and now that we are finally sitting down to talk (albeit about how assets will be split), is there anything that can be done at this stage to help with any sort of reconciliation or is it really time for me to recognize that it is time to move on?

Any advice is appreciated.

C3156 · 07-11-2012, 01:02 PM

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Unless he wants to work on the marriage, I would not spend more time trying to get him to do something he does not want to do. I would prepare myself for the next step of the divorce process, as much as it hurts.

One thing I learned in my divorce is that you rarely get the closure you need or a good explaination. I wouldn't spend the time looking for another woman either, it will only build more resentment and anger in you.

Instead, take that energy and go see a therapist to work on you. Make yourself a better person, regardless of what your ex does. You may never get the answers you want, but you can live your life the way you want and feel good about it.

As for the settlement, treat it like a business transaction. Go in with a list of what you want and what you are willing to barter / do without. Get the deal in writing and get out of there. Don't spend time on idle chit chat or trying to get him to come back, just cool and business like. Save your emotions till you get home, then you can let it out. A little cold shoulder might make him think a little about what he is losing.

MainStreetExile · 07-12-2012, 06:29 AM

What C3156 said is absolutely correct: If he is unwilling to work, it is pointless and ultimately self-defeating to attempt to force him to work. If he is not an active, willing participant then he may as well not even be there. I won't pretend to understand the actual dynamics of your situation, but I'll wager that asking him again will only result in another rejection. Only you can decide if he is worth the risk of further pain.

I've dealt with a spouse that adamantly refused the idea of counseling. I know now it was because her mind had been made up long before the issue even arose.

Any decision you make from here on out, make for the betterment of YOURSELF, not for him, or your marriage.

DjF · 07-12-2012, 07:19 AM

I wouldn't meet with him until your emotions are under control, you cannot make rational decisions while your heart is controling your feelings...tell him you are not ready (if it isn't already to late)...get some counseling, heal some...then meet with him...

bribrius · 07-12-2012, 03:04 PM

tell him you love him. you arent giving up. and ask him if he wants to go sleep with you.

And tell him you are going to make his life hell if he still tries to leave you. And that you have no intention of going away. Ever.

might help.