First time poster but have been lurking for awhile. Background is that we have been together 20 years (married 16). No kids. I'm 40 & he's 41. He won't work so I have to support us. We are always broke have had to file bankruptcy before and my credit is trashed. He is also an alcoholic and bi-polar (doesn't take his meds) He's verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive to me. He's been in and out of trouble with the law over the years as well.
I just couldn't take it any longer and this past Saturday when he slapped me and threatened to kill me I called the cops and had him arrested. I'm really and truly done this time. I can't take another 20 years of this behavior. He can be very charming and manipulative and I think somewhere deep inside he does care about me. This has been a continous cycle for 20 years that we make up and things get better briefly but ultimately in a few weeks or months it's all the same again.
The physical abuse isn't an all the time thing but being called stupid, fat, ugly, a ****, etc is pretty frequent. As well as never being allowed to go anywhere or talk to anyone or have any friends. My parents have dis-owned me over him. My dad hasn't spoken to me in over a year. (I'm an only child) My mom has finally gotten to where we talk maybe once a month if that. They have honestly tried to help me so many times and I always go back to him.
He's started contact me (which is in direct violation of the protective order which I will be discussing with the judge tomorrow), but I know he thinks we are getting back together. I do still love him, but I just can't do this anymore. I don't really have anyone to talk to because any of our mutual "friends" were pretty much more his friends and either don't want to be involved (I understand about not wanting to take sides) or think we will get back together.
I just need someone to talk to that can understand. Thanks for listening.
good for you!!! my exh was verbally/emotionally abusive, controling, and sometimes physically abusive (3 times in 9 years, but even 1 time is unacceptable). it was very difficuly for me to have the courage to file. i had no self esteem at that point, 3 kids, andhadn't worked in almost 5 years. it did it for me, but mostly for my kids. i didn't want them to grow up thinking they could treat women the way their father treated me. i lost all of our friends- he was very manipulative. even my own mother sided with him for awhile. it was hard, but i was amazed at how strong i became. you can do this. we are here for you. i would definitely consider talking to a counselor so you can not only come to terms with what you have been through, but also so you can be in a good, healthy frame of mind when you enter a relationship in the future.
Financially I'm the only income so that wasn't an issue and even if it was after 20 years of this I would have probably left anyway. We have no kids so that isn't an issue either. He was at the house when I got home yesterday (yet again in direct violation of the emergency protective order) and they issued an arrest warrant. I got my protective order extended today and they advised he was in the hospital but as soon as he was released he was going straight to jail. Now begins the very long road of all this legal mess, court dates, dealing with the cops, etc It's sad that I'm the victim in all this but I'm the one that has to go through all this and be inconvenienced. I'm starting to finally have some friends talk to me. Several said they didn't know he hit me, but they knew about the verbal/emotional abuse which was bad enough. I just try to keep myself busy when I get home from work in the evening so I'm not feeling quite so lonely. Dreading the weekend when I'm home by myself all day for 2 entire days though
Congratulations on setting boundaries at last. You need this new you. Start pouring your time and energy building up the parts of your life that you let slip.
Please whatever you do, don't let him have access to you anymore. Nobody should go through what you've had to go through.
Btw, Bankruptcy is survivable. I just had my hearing a couple of days ago. Not fun but pretty simple and better than the crushing debt.
Good luck to you. I'm in a 25 year controlling marraige I'm trying to get out of now. 3 grown kids. Lucky you didnt have children with him. My kids are questioning their relationships and wondering what is acceptable - they come to me for advice and I constantly question my answers.
I hope I can be a strong as you. Now that my kids can talk about it, they would of rather I seperated than stayed. All along I feared my boys growing up without a dad. But he was not really there for them. They tell me now, they wished I would of divorced so they could of seen me happy.
If you get bored and dont like being alone, my suggestion is to take up a new hobby where you have to take a class. Yoga, pilates, crafts, something for you. Where you can be around people.
It’s been almost a week now and I’ve just taken it one day at a time. They issued an arrest warrant because he violated the emergency protective order. And the judge issued a temporary order because he violated the emergency one yesterday. That lasts until court in 2 weeks. I’m not looking forward to that because he will be in court to “face his accuser” I’m not cold and heartless I feel badly that he’s going to lose everything and I feel bad for myself. I never pictured my life without him despite everything that’s happened. The sad thing is I probably would have continued to put up with the un-willingness to work and the controlling behavior I just couldn’t deal with the violence any longer. He was way out of control. He hit our next door neighbor’s son 2 weeks ago and I just found out 2 months ago he hit another neighbor’s kid as well. I’m just having a rough week having to try to go to work because my mind isn’t on work but if I stayed home I think it would be even worse to be home all day long by myself. I don’t have any family in the area and because of him I don’t have any friends. We do have 2 dogs and 2 cats that give me a little bit of solace, but it’s very lonely. I’ve never been apart from him for more than a day or two in nearly 20 years.
It only cost me $45 to get married but it's going to cost about $6,000 to get divorced AND I may have to pay spousal support of 1/3 my income to the deadbeat that did nothing to support us or take care of the house and who verbally, emotionally, and physically abused me for nearly 20 years. Oh and he gets 50% of everything we have to. No wonder people stay in such relationships long term.
I went for my first IC appointment yesterday and it was very helpful. I like her a lot and it was nice to talk to a neutral party. I still have a lot of feelings of sadness (as well as anger) because I will think of a happy memory/good time we had and be upset that he ruined it all. I no longer believe him blaming it on me. If he had made an effort in 20 years to try to be good to me I wouldn't be filing for divorce but it's clear he never really cared about me.
I am angry and I'm sad too. I saw him in court yesterday and his mom was telling me about how he has a job lined up now. Funny how he could never manage to work a steady job when we were together and we could barely survive on my income alone. (mainly due to the money being spent on beer/cigs/pot not just the bills) So that hurt a lot. Made me wonder what was wrong with me that he wasn't willing to work to help us out when we were together but now he suddenly can? Sad that he didn't think I was worth making any changes for because I certainly would have made them for him.
I am angry and I'm sad too. I saw him in court yesterday and his mom was telling me about how he has a job lined up now. Funny how he could never manage to work a steady job when we were together and we could barely survive on my income alone. (mainly due to the money being spent on beer/cigs/pot not just the bills) So that hurt a lot. Made me wonder what was wrong with me that he wasn't willing to work to help us out when we were together but now he suddenly can? Sad that he didn't think I was worth making any changes for because I certainly would have made them for him.
he has a job lined up, but will he follow through? probably not, because he never has! if he does start working, how long will it last? no long, especially if they do drug testing.
he has not changed. nothing is wrong with you. you will become a stronger, better person and he will continue to be the POS he always has been.
There is nothing wrong with you. He is looking to work because he has no choice now. You are no longer supporting him. He has a job lined up doesn't mean he will still have the job in a week or a month. On top of the beer and the pot, he has a violent streak, and not just with you. It will be interesting to see how long he keeps the job.
Its so unfair that you have to split everything with him like that. Does the court not take into account that he has been a deadbeat for so long?
Can you get your neighbors to provide afidatifs (no idea how to spell that and spell check doesn't recognize it) that he hit their children? It might help your case. At any rate, it should be on file somewhere, because he is bound to hurt someone again and the full history should be available.
Thank you to everyone for your kind words. It is helping a lot. I know what everyone is saying is true but it's still very hard. It's been almost 3 weeks now and we've never been apart this long. I'm doing some stuff for myself for a change which is nice. I saw my counselor again yesterday and made an appointment for next week. I've found this to be very helpful. My friends and family are all supportive and I've managed to mend fences with some that I thought had long ago turned their backs because of him. I honestly can't believe that I'm finally free from him after all this time. I thought we would always be together. It's just weird though not having him around. It wasn't all bad times. I have good memories of things we did together. That's what makes me angry/sad the most because it could have been like that all the time but he chose not to get help. I don't regret what I did at all but it is definately the hardest thing I've ever done knowing I'm going to be alone and that has always been my biggest fear. (probably why I never took this step previously)
7Likes
20 years of abuse and I'm finally free 
