Greetings all. Some 350 posts and a few good compromises later, Conrad returns.
Here's the thing. My exhortations to observe and evaluate are advice that I also had given to me. And, it makes perfect sense. Every time Janie and I take a run at it, we are closer than the time before. Yet, the definition of an "expert" is someone who has made every possible mistake.
It's spectacularly easy to get frustrated and blow up when emotions are in play. That's what happened last night. So, after telling me she never wants me to think she doesn't love me and she can "see the little boy" inside and she adores me, she now wants separate lives and for me to leave her alone.
Yes, she's got pretty well known issues with anger. But, simply labeling someone you love as "BPD" or whatever often strikes me as an excuse.
It's actually quite difficult for abuse victims to accept love from others without fear. And, when a person experiences fear, they often compensate by wanting control. The first thing an abuser will do when involved with you is to attempt to shut you off from outside contact and from support. Isolation and weakness means that you will "stay" with them.
Nothing could be further from the truth. The mind of an abuse victim THINKS control will help the situation, but it's actually sabotage to the very love they seek. Tearing your partner down doesn't convince them to settle and stay with you, but building them up and making them feel like a king will.
You're all aware of the "joint" TAM account. In the rear view mirror, this looks like control, as Janie wanted to see what was being written to me. No one here has any doubts about how much I adore her. But, she does. And, as illogical as it might seem, that's how her brain works. I get that.
On July 4th, she invited an ex over for the celebration and ended up giving him a massage. She's in massage therapy school.
But, she's not ok with people I email with.
Of course, I should tell her I am totally not ok with that behavior. But, I merely told her not to make a habit of it and let her know I wasn't pleased.
What you see here is after a couple of good weeks where things are going well, fear takes over and boundaries start getting tested. Demands that Conrad sign off TAM. Demands that Conrad send NC letters to friends from work that he's socialized with. Demands for passwords and logins.
Those won't bring security.
If I wanted to cheat, I would.
I don't.
At some point, I'm hopeful she will see that building me up brings far more security than tearing me down - and trying to prevent me from hurting her.
BTW - the tripwire for deactivation of "Conrad&Janie" is a relationship I have with a member here. The person who helped me the most overcome my own codependence.
No way was I ok with doing NC on that friend until I had veto power over her friends. On this, I'm firm.
And, given that (by Janie's own admission) she's spent 6 years as my adversary, I wasn't forthcoming about the friendship this forum member and I share. That's on me.
Yet, when you've spent 30 full years trying to grow up and someone finally helps you get the job done, that's not someone you wish to sacrifice - especially if there is no reciprocity.
I love Janie dearly, but we have more work to do.
So, to OVS, Script, UpnDown, jdlash, and the rest.....
I'm not abandoning you. We're actually learning together and hoping for the best for all of us.
It's actually quite difficult for abuse victims to accept love from others without fear. And, when a person experiences fear, they often compensate by wanting control. The first thing an abuser will do when involved with you is to attempt to shut you off from outside contact and from support. Isolation and weakness means that you will "stay" with them.
I have been guilty of this with Joe. Tried to keep him from his friends, prevent him from doing things he enjoyed.
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Nothing could be further from the truth. The mind of an abuse victim THINKS control will help the situation, but it's actually sabotage to the very love they seek. Tearing your partner down doesn't convince them to settle and stay with you, but building them up and making them feel like a king will.
I did this too. Emasculated and demeaned him on a daily basis to try and make me feel better and to convince him he couldn't do better. I know now that I was so damn wrong. I'm trying to make sure he knows now I love him and that he is a good man. I am very ashamed of those actions now.
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At some point, I'm hopeful she will see that building me up brings far more security than tearing me down - and trying to prevent me from hurting her.
I hope she sees this as well. It took me hitting rock bottom to finally realize how horrible I was.
I'm always willing to make good faith compromises with her on external issues. We can share an account here with no issues. I can give her all the logins and passwords she wants.
But, at some point, she should realize I do love her - and that her having control won't make her feel secure. And, the only way I will give her control of my life is if I get an equal measure of control over hers.
Security is a gift she can only give to herself. She speaks of how she fears the "other shoe is going to drop", and then she often starts digging and goes out and makes it happen.
It's a pattern. The sweetest times are prelude to the bad stuff.
Unfortunately as you know, you can't make her realize these things. You are correct in that having been an abuse victim, one feels unworthy of love. People that were supposed to love and protect us, hurt us to the core. Makes it so hard to trust anyone. I felt like if I pushed Joe hard enough and he left, well, I was still in control. Know what I mean? Warped thinking to be sure but, that was how I felt.
Hopefully she will be able to have an epiphany one day and realize what she has in you.
44Likes
Conrad Returns 
dont know what else to say
