I think I have finally gotten to a place where I accept that it is over between us. All I have to do now is sign the final divorce papers, stand before a judge and it's done.
Before this happens, I want to cleanse my space of everything that has to do with him. When he was in need, I allowed him to stay in my new apartment April and May of this year. Before moving back in with the OW, he stored some boxes and things in my spare room and I want them gone. I even still get his mail, not they he has cared to pick it up (he's always been irresponsible about bills and things until it becomes urgent and unavoidable).
It's strange after fifteen years, but I don't know exactly how to word the email to tell him to come and get his things and change his mailing address. I suppose simple is best, but I feel stuck and at a loss for the right words. I haven't seen him in two months and the last sporadic "how are you doing" text was a couple of weeks ago. Neither of us have been hostile or overtly mean during this trying time. He has been cruel, but passively or most likely unaware of it.
He still has a spare key, which he has not abused. I'm thinking he can drop by when I am out and collect his things and leave the key. If he responds, I know he will say he has no where to keep his belongings as according to the OW's divorce lawyer it doesn't look good to be living with her at this time. Not that I give two sh*ts about her situation, but this will be his excuse. Plan B if he doesn't agree to my request is to drop off his stuff on her front lawn while they are at work, but then I might never get my key back. If he doesn't change his mailing address, I suppose I could also arrange that as well. I'd like to try the decent way first.
I would like to maintain some dignity and keep emotion out of it. I do not wish to see him as I am still working on my feelings of humiliation, disappointment, etc. At this point, I don't ever want to see him again- it hurts too much. As I am sure you all understand, I have been through hell and don't want to put myself through any more unnecessary pain. It has now been eleven months since he left me for her and I know the heartache isn't over yet by a long shot, but hopefully this will help me to move on and process it.
I have made many mistakes thus far due to the emotional turmoil. I would like to get this one right. Any thoughts?
You should be able to tell the post office that X is no longer at your address. Period. It's up to him to give them a new address. The P.O. will just return his mail as undeliverable if he doesn't. Don't set up forwarding for him. You can tell him he needs to make sure he changes his mailing address. Period.
If you want to try the nice thing first, give him a definite schedule of when you are gone and when you expect the things to be all cleaned out. There are storage units he can rent if he wants to put up a facade for OW's sake. That's not up to you. You owe him nothing at this point.
You were more than decent to let him stay in your new apartment and let him keep a spare key.
Believe me, if I didn't have a child with my STBXH, I would do nothing for him at this point. It's up to the OWs to help these guys now.
Also, if you have no luck with the spare key are you able to change the locks? Even if it is not likely he would use it, it might give you peace of mind and a little more closure.
My ex is with another man now and I do not assist her with anything any more now that she has found my replacement. I think dropping his stuff off on the lawn of the new place is still doing him a favour. Just give him the pick up terms and chuck them out if he does not abide.
I think you have been more than generous. Just make the email short and to the point with no emotion.
I agree. You have been more than decent in this situation. Don't ask him when it works for him. Tell him. You need your home back and his stuff must go. Tell him the days/times that work for you to get it. If he doesn't meet your schedule, and you can word this very pleasantly, then sell what you can on craigslist, etc. to cover the cost of a new key. Throw the rest out. Do not pack and move for him. Don't change his mailing address for him. I completely agree with the others, just tell the PO that he is no longer at your address. Now its time for him to be a grown-up, which means his actions have consequences. The fact that he can't conveniently store it at the OW's place is not your problem, and don't let him make it your problem. It is not your responsibility to make his affair easy.
Thanks to all for the words of advice and encouragement. This is weighing on me too much- I don't want to over think it but I am fairly certain this will be one of the last few times I communicate with him and I don't want to be taken advantage of again. I have a tendency to allow that to happen, especially now that I feel so vulnerable.
i agree with everbody else. you can change your doorknob and dead bolt for about $40. lowes has really nice sets and all you need is a screw driver. i would write him a letter. or email and simply say that the locks are changed (or you need him to return your key) his belongings will be left out on x day. if he doesn't pick his things up by x (i'd give him no more than 48 hours) you will be tossing or donating it. i would be the bigger person and in the letter, tell him you have no desire to have any further unnecessary contact with him, but you wish him the best (it's good for your karma). i would also call the postal service and say he no longer lives there.
He's coming by Friday afternoon and Saturday morning to get his things (It's a lot of big bulky stuff that would take two trips in his car). He wrote he hopes I'm doing okay and wishes me the best. Just like that. I feel like crap. Tomorrow is my 38th birthday.
If you call a locksmith, rekeying the current locks is cheaper than changing them. You'll get new keys and the old ones won't work. Tell him to get his stuff out it's no longer your problem. If he doesn't like said above give him a time frame and put it outside for bulk trash day. If he doesn't change his address send it back to the post office return to sender person not at this address. Start living your life and get rid of him. What has he helped you with beside having another woman?
Thanks for all the support and birthday wishes! I knew he would be here between 3 and 5pm today, so I got out of here at 2pm and spent the day with my family (mom, sister, nephew and two nieces). It was hard not to think of him here packing up his things, but I got through.
I came back late tonight and sure enough, half his things were gone. It was kinda weird how selective he was considering he's coming back in the morning to collect the rest.
I don't know why, but somewhere in the back of my head I was sorta hoping he might leave a note or card or something acknowledging my birthday. But he didn't and I guess I also knew he wouldn't. Ouch. It's been a painful break up, but there was no animosity. I still can't understand how he could just totally cut off his feelings for me and so easily walk away.
I'm sorry. It really is hard to understand that type of cut-off that some exes do. It seems like the ones that can cut off the easiest are married to ones who have the hardest time getting to a resolution, too. It's not like we cut off just as easily. Sometimes, for our sakes, I wish we could. Take care, sweetie!