Gee, what to do. This site has helped open my eyes to how much of an idiot I have been with my wife with such anxiety paralyzing me. The person I should have been confiding in the most about my fears, was the last person I wanted to burden, but the person I should have been.
I asked her out for the date this Saturday as I mentioned earlier today. Her comment was "I made plans with a girlfriend" already. I played it calm and collected and didn't say anything at the time about my disappointment. Since she hadn't told me about this it was quite a disappointment, but I took a pause.
The thing that gets me is that she assumed I would be okay with that -- me staying with our son while she went out. I just called her a while ago to say that I'm not her babysitter and that this pissed me off. I stood firm. Of course she threw some stuff back at me, but I agree that she has been looking for a response from me good, bad or otherwise. I told her I'm not going anywhere and I'm setting about to change my ways for me -- to help our relationship. Of course she said that this was after many chances previously to right the ship. She is having no empathy -- a good post that a read on another thread and am practicing for me, for us, and for all relationships. She did say that I'm not a babysitter but his father, but I said assuming that I'd be okay with this was not about being his father. I am his father but won't be doormat.
Man was I angry, but I didn't display any. Stayed pretty calm and just said I am trying to change but it takes time. Only action speaks.
Things are looking up. I'm back staying at the house. My wife finally spoke to her mother about the situation. Up until now that did not occur. Friday evening we went out to dinner and I tried to talk to her, and we did a little. She did say she talked to her mom and that I could talk to her mother if I wanted to. She went to bed early that night to get up really early to do something in the morning.
After she went to sleep, I did talk with her mom. I was scared about what she was going to say, and I started with a good joke that her mother laughed about. Basically her mom said that my wife loved me dearly and wanted to work through this. And I said why doesn't she just say that to me, but who knows. I told her my concerns about things -- my wife allowing me to improve by doing things she liked that I previously said I didn't. And I told her about what I was doing to improve myself and understanding.
Saturday morning while my wife was away I finally got my copy of The Five Love Languages. I managed to read most of it Saturday. Wow, what a book. I had never thought about things that way. It seems like common sense after you read it, but then all truly amazing things do after someone else shows you.
To Saxonman's points in PMs, after reading I realized that you are right and that it does take a change from both sides. I just didn't realize that most of my withdrawal was due to not feeling love from her because we do speak different languages. I know that now and feel so much better. To your other points, my conversation with her mom also lied to rest completely my worries and concerns about this other guy or any other potential guy. She never lies to her mom about stuff like that and her mom assured me that wasn't the case. The joke was kind of based around that -- an inside thing between her mom and her that both have shared with me over time.
So I'm feeling better. I know I've got a lot of work to do to adopt a second and third language for her. But she will have work to do as well.
I can't stand the ups and downs in emotions I feel. At times I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and then click I feel like an avalanche sealed the tunnel off.
My wife wants to punish me that is for sure. I know I'm getting to her by things others tell me, but it sure would be nice to see a crack by her when I'm around. I just keep plugging away. Some day it will be over.
Just and update. Things are progressing between the wife and me. Slowly but surely. It does get frustrating at times. The ice is slowly melting. I am putting to use the things I have learned about myself and her regarding the love languages.
I don't think she has read the book, I've left it on the table for her to see and don't know if she has picked it up or read any of it.
As I said, though, things seem to be getting better although at a slow pace. My friends and family have been very supportive after I finally reached out to them a while back.
I am glad to hear things are getting better, but have you actually asked her to read the book? Try that, you may get an unexpected response.
It will be a slow ride, but you can get there. The fact that she wants to work at it, is a plus for you(and her both).
Why don't you try to express your feelings of fear to her. Have you ever done that? Do you think you have it in you to do that? Men are often afraid of exposing that they have a fear about anything...don't be afraid of that. If you share that with her, you will more than likely be surprised at the outcome.
I have tried to express my fears to her. It seems she is so angry at me that I had to be threatened with seperation to finally start doing things, that it seems to fall on deaf ears. Her response is to stop being scared and start living life since you could be dead anytime. Maybe I'm going about it all wrong.
I did aske her to read the book by the way. Then left it out for a week and a half where she could see it.
I am trying to express myself to her but I don't how to get talking sometimes given her anger. I don't want to get angry at her, but I'm not always good at just taking it, it can boil up and then I'll say something flippant (not yelling but flippant) which then she will throw back at me later. She takes things so literally or so out of context sometimes that it frustrates me. Any suggestions would be most welcome. I'm working on my listening skills and it is slowly helping, but again anything else would be appreciated.