I'm a first time user. Obviously I'm here because of my current marriage situation. We aren't seperated but it could go that way.
A little background. My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years. We have a 6 year old son. So this is especially difficult. I've stayed a few nights at my parents house - I leave only after our son is asleep and we have told him that I had early meetings and would be gone before he woke up.
I love her dearly and him. Things were going well for a long time, but over the last year or so I've been letting fears about our future give me paralysis in life so to speak. This lead to my withdrawal around her, because I guess I felt unworthy of her in the sense that the business I started after getting married hasn't yet paid the dividends of what it will.
She tried to get me to open up about it but I just withdrew further and I guess I wished that it would blow over. How dumb is that? I've never been a great communicator to begin with -- didn't do those things in my house growing up. Also she is big into outdoor activities which I used to be, but every time she would say lets hike or something like that I would say I don't like to do that. The funny thing is that I used to love the outdoors -- practically lived in them as a kid. And I know that I didn't support her by not doing those things.
This has led to her unhappiness. And she finally told me that she would leave if things wouldn't change. She said the only reason she has stayed this long is our son. I finally opened up to her (a couple weeks later than she wanted) and have been trying to get myself happier in life.
I obviously have acted, at least in her mind, like a wimp around her and believe she has lost her respect for me. She is not a forgiving person by nature. Her father's side of her family holds grudges, but that is a whole other thread.
She works part time in the mornings and has gotten friendly with a guy who works there and I'm afraid she might be tempted or already has. When I opened up (not an argument just a conversation) I asked her if she loved me and she said what did I say a couple weeks ago when we started talking about this. At that time she said she loved me. And she thinks it is patetic that I keep asking for the reassurrance that I need. The first time we started talking she asked if I had an affair - I believe that is what she thinks put me in my withdrawal, and I told her the truth that I didn't. So I asked her if she loved someone else or had an affair. At that point she said no and the conversation ended.
That was this past Sunday and I've stayed at my parents at night since with me coming back on Friday night for the weekend.
I'm freaking out about this other guy which makes me so worried that maybe she has already moved on. I note, this is her second marriage and my first. She actually said during our last conversation that I was acting like her first husband in his reactions - meaning pathetic.
I realize that to make her happy I've got to be more happy around her. I know she needs some space to think since me being there in the evenings doesn't allow that to happen. I'm scared.
I believe this will work out and makes us stronger, but who knows. I know no matter what I do have find my happiness and do things for me -- it seems selfish to me but I realize now it isn't.
Sorry you're going through this. Have you considered counselling? It seem to me that you guys may be a good candidate for it.
Is she using the word "pathetic", or are you? That is a very hateful/hurtful word - and one, I believe should never be used in a marriage. It's usually an indication that one party is not "being there" for the other, or one party truly is being too down.
I would try to get to the bottom of the thing with the guy at work and, if there is nothing going on, go all out to work on this. You obviously could do with changing some things about yourself (couldn't we all).
Sorry to hear the pain Feelingalone. If she hasn't already she is moving towards this other guy. It's a no brainer. Not to put you on the defensive but it's just the way it is. She may have already made her mind up about leaving you or not being in love with you already.
I would probably not stay at your parents house at this point and try and work through this with her before she leaves or you leave. The space thing is that she has someone else in mind if she hasn't already done it. She is wanting to test the waters.
My wife is now with the other guy that she denied the entire time. Kept hearing the I love you's and the baby as she was moving her stuff out and asking for more money to help out. She was always seeing this guy and just stringing me along.
You should probably act now but it may already be too late in her mind. It sounds like it may be.
I really hate to be the first to say this to you and I'm sure it's so painful for you to hear but it's happening right under your eyes.
I'm in the deep pain now of realizing my wife was leaving me mentally right in front of my eyes and then physically leave me and then end up with the OM.
Honestly. You need to stop worrying about looking desperate.
Looking out for your relationship isn't being desperate, pathetic, or anything else other than displaying a commitment and interest in maintaining the health of your marriage.
I'm a fine one to say this, but stand up for yourself, throw some weight about and start demanding some of YOUR rights.
Well today is another day and the sun is bright outside today. Saxonman I wanted your thoughts on taking her out to dinner on Saturday night? I know you are right about pulling out the stops. I think that is the real issue the loss of intimacy she feels and I need to get that back with her. She was always the planner and I need to improve in that area. I'm taking my little guy hiking in the morning and have invited her but made sure she didn't feel pressured to come. I've got child care taking care of for Saturday night to be able to take her out. Now I have to ask her out for dinner. Your thoughts on this?
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,597
Re: It Might Be the End - I Don't Know
Make the changes you think you need to make in order to improve the situation with her but make sure you can live with them. You have to commit for the long term. Making changes and improving yourself is fine but don’t lose yourself in all of this you you’ll end up failing or resenting her. Be supportive towards her needs but don’t dote or overwhelm her. It could push her further away. What do you mean by her wanting you to improve intimacy? Sexual, cuddles, hugs, conversation, quality time together…?
That is my concern about doing this - don't want to overwhelm her. Trying to balance this one step at a time. As I told you I withdrew from her subconsciously - you know sat at the other end of the couch, etc. She never said improve intimacy but that is crux of it. And all of the above you mentioned. I've been so focused on my fears and putting my son above all else I've lost myself.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,597
Re: It Might Be the End - I Don't Know
Have the two of you really sat down and discussed what you want in the marriage? What is important to each of you? Seems to me you may not have a clear understanding of what she wants, or for yourself. Broken record here, read The Five Languages of Love. Both of you.
As far as overwhelming her, just take it slow and keep the communications lines open.
I ordered a copy of the book yesterday. Hoping to get it soon. Yes we have sat down and talked about and now that I'm in a better place to deal emotionally about it, the talks will be better going forward.
After our talk this past Sunday, I have felt better. Just have those moments of trepidation about it all.
FeelingAlone: Amplexor makes some good points. I think you need to try to discuss what you both need before you make assumptions.
I feel you still need to find out - and put your mind at rest - about this guy at work. Not sure what order is best to do this, but find out about him, get to the bottom of what she really wants.
It Might Be the End - I Don't Know 
