I spend a good hour on here every morning. And I gotta stop doing that and spend at least 30 minutes on my treadmill.
My story is simple. I grew some courage. Evenutally.
My room-mate H has a drinking problem. And a "different" childhood. He spent 10 years from age 3 - 13 in and out of hospitals. He had ALL (childhood leukemia) but somehow survived. This is relevant only because, well, his family spoiled him and he was given the life of a child that was going to die. Anything he wanted. "Just do what makes you happy". So he really didn't learn a LOT of life skills.
This made him a happy go lucky adult. Which I loved about him. Until things got stressful and emotional. Then I learned he didn't have enough coping skills. Oops, where did this shet come from?
He spiralled slowly. Drinking, irresponsible with money, and then he cut off sex. He cheated, with a woman in a bar. He got herpes 1 from a bj. (one of the reasons he stopped having sex) I left. I came back everyday to look after the dogs. An unsigned separation agreement is pinned to the fridge.
And I suffered, not just emotionally, but my health. I ended up with a kidney infection, Diabetic Ketoacidosis, and a few days in the ICU in the hospital. My MIL was a good friend to me. She convinced me to come back, and yes, she calls me and checks on me.
So we sleep in separate bedrooms. We still eat meals together. I look after the dogs. He goes to counselling, trying to quit drinking, and dealing with some depression. I"m VERY busy with work, although they make me go home after 9 hours so I stay healthy.
I see NOW. I see how messed up he really is. Things I have said to him 50 times... he shrugged off. This new counsellor --- she says it and he smiles like he just learned the alphabet! Meh, as long as he gets it, who cares how?
I am not emotionally invested, whatsoever. I am done.
I'm okay with me. I will survive.
We have settled to a friendship of sorts. I listen. He talks to his counsellor, not me. I am paying for someone to finish reno's on the house so we can sell it. I have more work than I can do being offered to me for the next year. (I'm self employed).
He knows when the house goes on the market, I am going to leave, with the dogs. He seems okay with it.
It's soooo weird though lately... some of the convo's we have.
He talks about missing drinking, what to do about anxiety. And I tell him I used to have sex, and I miss that. So he jokes about getting a jiggilo, and I scowl I don't want to pay for it, I'd rather go without. We talk about what neighborhoods we want to live in, and the pros and cons of renting versus owning.
Weekends, we alternate leaving. Family and friends all know everything. They take turns trying to convince me to "hang in there". I'm polite. I listen.
I feel like I found religion. Really, I just found ME!
I don't hate him. Just not interested in a relationship with him.
I hope he does well, however it turns out. If he never grows, that's his choice. I'm not going backwards for any reason. Ever. I'm too darn happy to feel happy again.
The downside to all of this is yeah, men are noticing. It's a downside, only because I'm not ready to entertain any of that. I need to be living on my own for awhile.
Oh yeah, living on my own is one of my bigger goals in life. When i was a single parent, I had a phone service that would call and check on me. I'm a juvie diabetic. I have never lived alone, without some kind of backup. It's scary. I'm working on it. I can do it!! I will be just FINE.
I found this to be VERY inspiring!! You're already at a point I want to be at.
Funny you mention the dogs and drinking - I feel like we have so much in common... I fear being separated from my dogs again - I love them more than my husband - sad, but true.
Keep blogging!!! I really appreciated your advice earlier!! Posted via Mobile Device
I hate when I am right.
Especially about people pretending to go through the motions.
Room-mate H was sent to counselling by work. Because he was having a tough time coping with a buy-out, calling in sick too often, and having arguements with people. He's lucky they did not fire him. "Going through marriage problems" was his one free pass.
His brother is self-employed. Got a bigger contract, and is hooking him up with his own deal starting end of August. Would be way less hours, and double the money.
All he had to do was hang on until end of August. Go to the counselling, continue going to AA, and I would be outta there by September.
So earlier this week he notices a "hiring" sign and stops in and applies. They offer him a job for the same wages he is getting now, he doesn't even ask any details. He takes it. Gives his notice where he is now, and lies and tells new company he had to give 2 weeks, so he can wangle a week off (not paid, mind you)
So there goes his paid counselling. And he hasn't told his brother yet, but he made a snap decision that this is "better".. all of this was to get a week off??
I don't understand how some people think.
He celebrated by going out for beers. Has a weekend planned that is all drinking. And that's what is he going to do on his "week off".
It's summer, why should he miss out on the fun? his words.
I"m out of town for work for awhile. MIL will come check on the dogs. I'm trying hard to NOT CARE. Not my problem.
I am leaving in September whether he is "ready" or not.
The fact that the day before... he was really touchy feely.
He came into my bedroom and laid down on the bed and was trying to tickle me, play wrestle, and after a couple of minutes I made the excuse I needed to eat something and got up. I stayed in the kitchen until I was sure he was asleep and then I went to the other bedroom.
I"m not stupid. I know what he was trying to do. And it just ain't gonna happen. We've talked about this several times. We are NOT going to be fvck buddies, and I keep thinking that he went sideways right after this happened.
Like he gave it one last shot, and I didn't fall for it, so what's the point in doing anything? But yeah I don't know what he's really thinking. Not sure I want to, really.
But sometimes I do wonder if I did what Mavash did... if that would turn him around.
But I"m not one to talk today. I'm going out with friends tonight.
My mindset right now is to just get it over with, and sleep with someone else. And then tell him.
I leave Monday morning for a work trip. Should be gone long enough for him to go nuclear about it, and hopefully all I will see is evidence that's he gone for good when I get back.
But I"m not one to talk today. I'm going out with friends tonight.
My mindset right now is to just get it over with, and sleep with someone else. And then tell him.
I leave Monday morning for a work trip. Should be gone long enough for him to go nuclear about it, and hopefully all I will see is evidence that's he gone for good when I get back.
Off to work out of town for 5 days, and I'm glad to go. It's so tense here all the time, and I can just work until I go to bed and not think and worry about things. Isn't that pitiful LOL
We went to a movie last night, we've done this before and it's just watching a movie, something to do. But I caved and let him hold my hand and cuddle. It just made me feel sad, that's all. I miss the affection, but I look at him and just remind myself that he isn't the one for me, he can't hold up his end of a relationship and I can't survive "well" without someone who does.
He hates being alone, that's just the biggest motivator for him for anything. Everyone assumes he hangs on and tells me not to leave because he cares for me. But reality is.. he just hates being alone. If I wasn't here, he'd be with someone. Anyone. To avoid an empty house.
Thinking of you.. Even though I don't have much to say... Just hope that you enjoy your time away and gain some clarity. Be safe!! (((HUGS))) Posted via Mobile Device
Off to work out of town for 5 days, and I'm glad to go. It's so tense here all the time, and I can just work until I go to bed and not think and worry about things. Isn't that pitiful LOL
We went to a movie last night, we've done this before and it's just watching a movie, something to do. But I caved and let him hold my hand and cuddle. It just made me feel sad, that's all. I miss the affection, but I look at him and just remind myself that he isn't the one for me, he can't hold up his end of a relationship and I can't survive "well" without someone who does.
He hates being alone, that's just the biggest motivator for him for anything. Everyone assumes he hangs on and tells me not to leave because he cares for me. But reality is.. he just hates being alone. If I wasn't here, he'd be with someone. Anyone. To avoid an empty house.
I deserve more.
deejov,
While this is painful to read - much less experience - it's a perfect illustration of the "observation" we talk so much about here. Once we drop "our idea" of what the relationship is, we can begin to gather evidence on what it ACTUALLY is.
Then you make a combination intellectual/emotional decision on whether it's enough.
He hates being alone, that's just the biggest motivator for him for anything. Everyone assumes he hangs on and tells me not to leave because he cares for me. But reality is.. he just hates being alone. If I wasn't here, he'd be with someone. Anyone. To avoid an empty house.
I deserve more.
As do I,
STBXW comes from a house where anyone was up at any time of day, ready and willing to engage in meaningless conversation.
Not knowing how to handle it when her thermometer reached sub zero temperatures, I withdrew. This gave her more "ammo" in her mind. I couldn't ignore the elephant in the room.
I went out with friends, and had a good time. I flirted back with a guy... but nothing came of it. It was nice to get some attention, but I wasn't comfortable with doing anything else. Never even touched him.
My work trip was really really good... and I'm going back again in a few weeks, but I kinda dreaded coming back.
He did what I thought he would do... spent all his free time with friends to avoid being alone and the 2 times I called home he sounded like he had been drinking so other than inquiring about the dogs I didn't say much. I got quite a few texts "missing you and love you so very much". I'm thinking those were the moments he was alone.
It's an 8 hour drive to the remote field office, so other than bopping to music, all I did was think. And It wasn't very positive. I almost have disdain for him at this point. He just cannot hold up his half of a partnership.
It's dumb things like blue jobs and pink jobs.
He has his share of stuff to do. Take out the garbage. Cut the grass. Pick up the dog poo in the yard. He complains and whines about it. Says I don't want him to have any fun. He never even thinks about it.. he needs a list or a reminder, which makes him get all defensive "dont' tell me what to do" and I get called a b!tch.
So for the past few months I've said nothing about anything. When he complains about the grass, I tell him to hire someone to cut it. I ain't doing it. I have a heavy workload, and my own stuff to do, and then look after myself. (my health is first) but he acts like I am punishing him, and seems to think I should look after him totally and let him go out drinking and have fun. I ain't his mother.
When I think about this like a partnership.. Yeah, he needs to be fired. He's deadweight. It's more stressful to have him as a partner. I can focus on me for only so long before I start thinking life would be EASIER if I just simply had someone who would do their share... and it's just another thing I have to look after.
I don't care anymore that he's had a bit of a breakdown and needs some support. It cannot be me. I'm too tired to do this anymore. This sucks.
The dogs missed me like crazy. They both slept almost on top of me it was nice to be missed!!
Detaching has been a good experience for me.
I can walk tomorrow and it's not so scary after all. I'm kinda looking forward to it!!!
Going camping tomorrow!
Yes, room-mate is coming too. But so are friends, and the dogs, and I have no work at all for a few days next week.
I feel like a huge weight is being lifted off, even if it's just for awhile.
My neighbor came over out of the blue and offered me his trailer to use, he isn't going to use it much this summer. It was very thoughtful and I"m grateful for the offer.
This morning started out so crappy, it was my son's birthday and I had a lot to do. Roomie "forgot" to feed the dogs while I was running around (how can you forget to feed a pet?) but visiting with my son always cheers me up anyways.
I may think my life isn't the best sometimes... but then I see where he's at with his life, and I'm so proud of him. He's so independent and well, peaceful. He's 21 now. And he looks like a man these days. Not a boy, or a tall teenager but he has a mature look to him. Maybe it's the way he carries himself now. He bought a house in February, and he's pretty proud of himself still. He sure is keeping it tidy (yeah, I know he probably cleans when he knows I'm coming over).
And I know I shouldn't do this, but then I come home all giddy and mommyish... to a grown man in his 40's that can't remember to feed the dogs. He had his last paid counselling appt today, so he missed the birthday celebration. (he's not my son's father -- my son doesn't even remember his dad, it's been 18 years since he's seen him or heard from him). But he did remember to call my son and wish him a happy bday and explain why he wasn't there.
But it all washed over shortly. I'm too busy being excited about being out of the city for a few days and kicking back. I'm taking my own car as well, which surprised a few people. I didn't eloborate.. but it's really so I can go do my own thing and leave when I want to. Only reason I would go in the first place with hubby.
And yeah I will be really honest and say I'm going and he is going too and I'm okay with that because I want to actually have a few beers, and he will be around to make sure I don't miss my shot or food or juice when I need it. I need a babysitter if I'm going to get drunk, that's just all there is to it.
Years ago I was out with friends, and everyone got stupid drunk, and I meant to do the insulin thing and kinda passed out drunk instead. I was in a mess of trouble the next day, they couldn't wake me up. Not fun. But sometimes I just gotta blow the top and drink and be normal like everyone else. So I need someone to watch out for me, big deal. I ask ahead of time, and he limits what he drinks and it's my "turn" once a year to be the drunk idiot. He gets the rest of the year LOL
It's funny how that works. He is supposed to NOT be even drinking, trying to quit. If he sees me pop a beer open... he won't drink. It stuns him, I think. He's worried I'm going to need help later. Totally not the case, but that incident is stuck in his mind, and because I very rarely drink at all..... he gets this scared deer in the headlights look. Am I going to say things, get mean, honest?
Maybe all I gotta do to help him quit drinking is drink!
I already have two hiking trails picked out, and I've gotten the dogs all excited, packing their stuff and I keep telling them all about the trails I want to hit. They understand me, I know they do. All they have to see is me pick up my hiking boots and they are wiggling and jiggling across the room... it's go time!!
I might find myself driving home with signed separation papers, I'm bringing those too. Get liquored up... and I just might turn into the epic beatch and find the right button to push mwah. I smell a new life!!!
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