Divorcing after discovering husband's affair. Need help :(

Brokenapart · 07-19-2012, 06:21 PM

Good evening,

Forgive me if I ramble but I really need some support. I think my friends and family are tired of hearing it and they can't relate anyway since none have been through it. My STBXH and I have been together for 17 years, married for 14. In April I discovered his affair that had been going on since the March before so for barely a month. But the messages they sent to each other said they were in love with each other and would be with the other forever. He is 40 she is 30 (I'm 42). We have a 5 year old son. Even after the discovery I wanted to keep my family together. He said no and he walked out on us.

I went to see an attorney the following week and filed for divorce. He's been seeing our son every other weekend and once during the week. I found out that my son had already met this woman and after I discovered the affair and he told me he was leaving I begged him to please not take our son around her again. He said he wouldn't but I found out on one of his weekends he did. I'm so furious and hurt that he is allowing our little boy to see him with someone else when he doesn't understand. I asked him to at least give it a year. He said he would. I told him I would be including in the papers that he could have no overnight guests when my son was with him and he was ok with that. I don't trust that he won't bring him around her again. While I know I can't control what he does I am really adamant about our son seeing him or me with someone else for at least a year. He told me today if I put that in the papers he won't agree to it. He also said when the divorce is final I can't tell him what to do and he will do whatever he wants when he has our son.

Today I found out they got a place together so it makes sense that he doesn't agree with me anymore. I didn't find this out from him so he doesn't know that I know. He doesn't tell me anything, I find out everything from others or on my own. He will be receiving the proposal from my attorney via his attorney soon and I can feel a battle coming. I don't want my son to miss out on his weekends with his dad. He ADORES his dad! But I cannot let him take him to spend the weekend at his new apt. with her. I just can't. But then I am the bad guy right? I'm keeping my son from his father or keeping a father from his son?? I know eventually that it will be my reality and my son will spend weekends with them together but I really feel in my heart of hearts that this is too soon for my son. He had some anger issues both times after he was around his dad and his OW and has been so much better. I know I can't make his dad understand that the time he has him should be just their time for now. Our son really needs that. And I just can't stomach this.

Am I being unreasonable? Do I let him do whatever the hell he wants and trust my son will be ok? I'm worried sick about it and I really don't feel it's right but again I can't make him see it the way I do. Someone please help me. I am going to have a nervous break down before all of this is said and done.

I love my son so very much and want to do what's best for him without hurting him but I shouldn't be bullied into doing what I don't believe is right. He's known all along how against this I would be then he moves in with her?? Every day I think I am doing good then I find something else out that rips me apart. I don't know if I can handle this.

jdlash · 07-19-2012, 08:07 PM

I'm sorry to hear that your going through all of this, but welcome. You can get through this. You found a place that you will get a lot of support!

You might want to go in and edit your post and put in some spacing and paragraphs. Most people will just move on and won't read it like it is. Keep reading on here and keep posting. Let your feelings out here!

EleGirl · 07-19-2012, 08:32 PM

You can propose what you want... as you have done. Just because he does not agree does not mean that you have to remove it. The things that you two do not agree upon will be settled by a judge in the end. Many judges allow such directives to go through. So stick by your guns on this one.

Unfortunately in a divorce you have little say over what goes on when your son is with his father. He has as much right to decide what goes on in your son's life as you do. Your son will being growing up with 2 sets of rules.

You say that you cannot let your son go stay with his dad if the OW is there. You really have no choice. You have to let your son go. If you do not, your husband will get the police to enforce the court order. You could lose custody and only get supervise visitation if you try to prevent your son from going over to his dad's.

What you can do is to trust that your son will be growing up into an emotionally strong man. You can help him learn, even from this bad situation. You can take him to counseling while he's in your care if you feel you need someone to help him understand what is going on.

I did that with my son. He's 23 now. He's an emotionally strong young man. He knows his father's and my flaws and still loves us both. The divorce was not easy for him but we discussed it a lot.

Your son will get through this if you teach him things that help him handle it.

ImStillHere · 07-19-2012, 08:49 PM

I'm sorry that you're here, brokenapart, but I'm glad that you found us.

I can relate to your situation as my STBXH moved in with his posOW. We don't have kids, though, so I can only imagine the hurt and pain you're feeling right now.

I agree that you can't control what your STBXH is doing with your son. But you can control what you do with your son. I like Elegirl's suggestion of taking your son to a professional to get him through this period, if necessary.

And, yes, you can handle this! Keep posting here. It helps.

SoVeryLost · 07-20-2012, 06:57 AM

I can't relate to the infidelity piece, but in terms of custody since I'm going through those issues in my divorce right now - it doesn't matter what you like and don't like. So he's bringing your son around this OW - stupid parenting decision and entirely selfish, no doubt. But that doesn't mean you have any right - or legal ability - to keep your son from his father. Unless you can prove he is an unfit parent to a judge, you'll get joint, 50/50 custody unless he doesn't want it. You don't get to be the bad guy and keep your son from his father even if you want to. Unless there's just cause, or unless the other parent doesn't want it, shared/joint custody is the norm. Just because you're the mother doesn't give you any extra pull these days. You need to start preparing yourself for that.
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Brokenapart · 07-20-2012, 10:33 AM

Thanks everyone for your replies. I know I can't control him I am mostly upset that he continues to do the opposite of what we've agreed on. Nothing is in writing yet - he hasn't seen the first draft of the decree. Everything we have agreed on is been through conversation and/or emails.
It's hard enough for me as the BS to deal with the fact that he's with someone else but now I have to worry about him exposing my son to her so soon. I told him this isn't forever but right now it's too soon. He agreed.

Initially I was going to stay in our marital home but decided it was too large for just my son and I and the mortgage too much for just me. Plus he said if we sell it then he can afford a nice down payment on a new home so we can both have a home with a bedroom for our son. But now that he has moved into an apt. with her where does that leave my son? My son has been sleeping with me through all of this. He goes to sleep in his bed and always ends up coming to mine.

To keep my son's life as normal as possible my STBXH comes to stay with my son in our marital home on his weekends and I go stay with friends or family. It's worked out great because our son has his friends nearby and his toys, etc. and he feels comfortable at home as any child would. I've talked to my son at length about how he and I will get a new home and he'll get a new room and how exciting it will be and I tell him the same about his dad's new home. Now I don't know how to prepare him. I can't even begin to imagine him waking up and crawling into his dad's bed with him and her. *sigh*

I would never request full custody where my STBXH gets no time with my son. I am not trying to take him away from him. I would never do that. My son needs his father. I would never stand in the way of their relationship, ever. The only thing I have asked of him is to please not have any overnights on his weekends with our son and not to introduce him to anyone new yet. The same goes for me. I'm held to the same because my belief that it's damaging to my son goes both ways. We are both responsible for his emotional health. Again, this is not forever but for now this is what we agreed is best. Of course he doesn't know I know that he has moved in with her so he must be blowing smoke up my a$$ for the time being.

I was so upset yesterday when I discovered they moved in together because where does that leave the whole no overnights deal? In the toilet I guess. I am really disappointed in my STBXH and his lack of respect (clearly he has none for me or he wouldn't have had an affair in the first place, I know) for my view on parenting. If we are doing this together we each have to respect the others wishes. Clearly that's not happening so I do need to prepare myself for the inevitable I guess.

Jellybeans · 07-20-2012, 10:46 AM

I am really sorry for your pain. It's awful.

Right now, you need to think practically: you need to lead by example because your husband is not being a good leader. Do not badmouth your husband in front of your son, do not get emotional with your husband and do not pull the same thing you husband is by involving men in your life. Be the light that guides your son because, again, he's not getting that from his dad.

File for divorce, child custody, child suppot and alimony if possible. The sooner you do this, the better.

Do not get into heated debates with your stbx. All business from now on. He made his choice. Now you need to not let him see you sweat. Only discuss co-parenting and divorce issues with him. Distance yourself as much as you can from him. Get busy with a new hobby, exercise, call up old friends and surround yourself w/ a good support system. Get therapy if you need to. Read a book, try something new.

You deserve better so do not chase your stbx. At all.

Carry on with your head held high and don't ever look back.

Brokenapart · 07-20-2012, 11:03 AM

Thanks jellybeans. I never bad mouth my husband in front of our son. In fact I spend a whole lot of time telling him how much his dad loves him to make sure he's not doubting that ever. I'll do whatever I can to make sure he hurts as little as possible.

I've already filed for divorce. My attorney and I are finalizing the initial proposal which my STBXH will receive soon. I'm afraid a battle will ensue shortly thereafter. We don't have alimony here though there is spousal support if necessary but it's really not necessary. I filed for child support and custody though he still will have his visitation, every other for holidays, etc. I'm asking for modifications on the Christmas front which won't go over well but knowing what I know now about his living arrangements I am sure none of it will go well.

I do go to the gym weekly. It's my only way to blow off steam.

And I am attending a new church with my son this weekend as the guests of friends and I am really looking forward to that. I think this will be huge for my son as they have so many activities for children and I know it will be a great benefit to my son's well being through all of this.

Jellybeans · 07-20-2012, 11:07 AM

Oh I forgot to add: you can't control if he brings your son around OW, unfortunately. He will do whatever he's going to do. All you can do is be a good mom to your son and start taking the necessary steps to disentagle your life from your stbx's.

Good for you for filing for divorce and hitting the gym and your new church.

Make sure you treat yourself well.