New here, sad, confused, seeking advice on separation

JulieJulie · 07-21-2012, 08:00 PM

Hi, I am new to this site. I am feeling very confused about my current situation and I was hoping someone here would have some words of wisdom that would really hit home for me! I will try to keep it as brief as possible. 9 years ago I met my third husband online at a popular dating website. I thought for sure this was it. At the time, I had been divorced from my second husband (the father of my daughter) for two years. This third husband, j, and I dated for about eighteen months before we got married. I really thought he was the right one! We got along so well on so many levels - intellectually, sense of humor, values (or so I thought), family, intimacy... it was all perfect. Three weeks after our wedding, though, (2004), he said he was going on a fishing trip for the weekend. When he never answered his cell phone or returned messages after 2 days, I went through his cell phone bill and computer cookies and found that he was with another woman - and she was one of dozens. I was shattered. I thought about leaving him but didn't want to give up on him - he said he was messed up and I thought that was obviously true... I mean who does that??? We began counseling immediately and worked hard for the next seven years to get over it (and believe me... there are still times I am not over it!). In the meantime, though, he has lied to me so many times about so many things - usually little things but the fact that he only tells the truth when he gets caught makes me physically ill. Also, he has had a lot of trouble holding down a job. He has gone through grad school with my help, began a new career, lost two jobs there, lost other jobs, and finally, the last straw, lost a job a year ago due to committing computer fraud there. He was arrested, convicted, and received probation. At that point, I kicked him out. I couldn't live like that anymore or do that to my daughter (the instability). I have yet to file for divorce. However, on paper, my life is much better. I have bought a new home with the help of my second husband (not put in my name until after I divorce j) and am no longer afraid every day of when the other shoe will drop. I felt terribly insecure every day with j... is he going to cheat again, will he lie to me again, is he lying now (I think he may be a pathological liar), should I check the computer cookies??? Now I have some stability and normalcy. So here's the problem:
I still love him very much. I know I sound like a sucker, but he is truly a good-hearted man and he loves me too. He has come a long way through seven years of counseling. He is more honest with me than he's ever been (yes, I still spend time with him all the time and am intimate too) and, I think, is working to get his life on track. He has a long way to go... he is living with his mom, has no money, no car, no health insurance, no job, no prospects, lots of debt... but he has visited a foundation that helps convicted felons find work.
So.... to make a long story short (too late) I have been hopeful that ONE DAY in the future, j would get his act together and we could reconcile fully. BUT, he has just started dating someone (we've been separated a year and I know he is lonely -he has the right) but it is killing me!!!
All of a sudden I am wanting to get back together fully now just so he stops seeing someone else. (By the way, I am sure she knows none of the negatives that I have listed above... new relationship and I'm sure he hasn't shared that all.)
Please, someone, talk some sense into me. Should I wait for him to get his act together and just deal with the pain of the dating that may go on in the meantime? He may take years to get his act together. Or, divorce him and count my losses? Or, get us back in to counseling and keep working TOGETHER???

Please help.
Julie

MyselfAgain · 07-21-2012, 08:06 PM

In two years, would you rather be waiting for him to get his act together, or living in a new home and dating a man who doesn't lie, has a stable job and treats you with respect?
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Orpheus · 07-21-2012, 08:15 PM

J2, welcome here. you sort of lost me with the whole "he cheated on me 3 weeks into our marriage". Your spouse is supposed to be flooded with endorphins at that point in the relationship.

That he started off a cheater and a liar and has never found it in his nature to do some hard work to change his spots sort of alleviates you from that responsibility. Move on and find better men. Clearly you deserve it!

trisha21 · 07-21-2012, 08:16 PM

Hi Julie
If he loves you as much as you love him why is he seeing anybody???
You are a enabler you are trying to fix him Why?
You need to go to counseling and heal your own heart Before you can find true happiness
You deserve so much more Tell yourself you deserve better and move on concentrating on yourself and daughter.
Lifes to short.

JulieJulie · 07-21-2012, 10:22 PM

Thanks for the wise words. Those are things my head knows but my heart doesn't. It's weird how when I wrote the whole story of our marriage out, I thought, wow, what an idiot I am. Who would put up with all of that. Yet, when I am living it day to day, he is just J, a poor guy with troubles.

Why is it that I want to hold on more now that he is seeing someone? Human nature???

And how do I get past the pain of that? Knowing that I am doing the smart thing doesn't make it not hurt.

Orpheus · 07-21-2012, 10:34 PM

trying to figure out how to get past the pain is what most of us are doing here. it takes time. there's no magic fix.

i found that writing and rewriting my story helped me to relearn what i needed to out of the mess. keep journalling.

and yes, when it's natural to want "what you cannot have." even if that's your horrible ex.

only you can decide when you're done with the bad relationship; we however can do everything in our power to try to compel you to spend your time healing yourself.

trisha21 · 07-21-2012, 10:38 PM

Mabe your holding on more now because you feel he owes you after everything you have done and put up with.Write a list pros and cons You will see why he is no good.
You are trying to make house with a train wreck.
Kick him to the kerb ,Take a holiday somewhere warm and open yourself up to meeting someone new.

Conrad · 07-22-2012, 10:03 AM

Here's the rough part.

Julie, you have not spoken much about your past ex-husbands and/or boyfriends.

I'm willing to wager you enabled them also.

If you don't fix you, it doesn't matter whether you stay with this particular user or move on to the next one.

It will all be the same.

Getting IC shouldn't be about "getting over" the pain he's caused you. It's about getting right with yourself.