There is no point to this post other than venting my sorrow, anguish and pain.
I love my wife, yes my WAW, and it cuts me to the core.
Through all the psychology, "180"s, logic, advice, etc etc - I just want love to win. Yes, I know, she says she does not love me any more. I believe her in that this is how she feel now. But she did once. I can't believe it's dead.
I want to believe, I want love to win, why can't love just win....
Call me a romantic. Call me anything. I want to pray. I want to meditate. I want to will love back. I want to beseech the universe. And maybe, just maybe, love can win. Please.
You're not the only one out there, and your feelings stem largely from the fact that you're still in love with her. When in that situation, believe me I know, it is hard to see exactly how their love could just go away like that.
I thought love was forever, I thought we were meant to be. Maybe that is true, maybe it isn't.
All I can really say is that there are a lot of good posts on here with good advice; as with anything take it with a grain of salt, but, take it nonetheless.
It takes a commitment from 2 people and many other things (respect, honesty, communication) in order to keep a relationship going, but above all, the willingness of both parties to stay committed to eachother, no matter what.
Know that you are better off single than staying in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
Do not cling. Do not plead. Do not past "Go."
If she wants out, open up the door and let her go.
Love does win. Always. But not before its value is realized.
eyesopen,
I know what you feel. You know that I know that because if you follow my story here you will see a mirror of your feelings in it.
Rack up 6-7 more posts and go to the private forum. You will see my thread there. It covers the events after my wife and I reconciled back in January (After I sent those letters).
Guess what?
Love did win at the end, but only after I was done feeling hurt and she was no longer able to hurt me.
Love's victory doesn't necessarily mean the survival of a marriage. You need to understand that with all your heart. You will.
Start a journal thread and post your feelings all under that thread. I will be able to help you understand many of them. There are many people like you and I here. They're very helpful.
The only person you can control is you. You can't make someone love you.
I agree with you 100%
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash.
Why would you want someone who doesn't want you?
As such, I would not. But I feel this is simply a huge mistake. It did not have to be. Circumstances (and yes, mistakes) made it happen. But for me, myself, I believe the core of our relationship was true. I wish she would see that also.
I will not go in to it in this thread, but there is a background here of circumstances such as my difficulties with work/business which I carried home, our living abroad, and her study of various philosophies combined with a mid life crisis (and again, yes, what I had been neglecting).
As such, I would not. But I feel this is simply a huge mistake. It did not have to be. Circumstances (and yes, mistakes) made it happen. But for me, myself, I believe the core of our relationship was true. I wish she would see that also.
And therein lies the problem. You can't "make" her see or agree to what you feel. You may feel this is a uge mistake, however, she may feel it's in her best interest to separate. We cannot make anyone feel/believe/stay committed to anything. And as such, if she doesn't WANT to be with you, the worst thing you could do is try to hang on to someone who is running and screaming trying to get away from you.
You can woulda/coulda/shoulda all day long and it won't change anything. The truth is you did the best you could at the time and now that chapter of your life is over. Learn from this experience and move forward. Last time I checked there isn't a time machine. On this you don't get a do over. Let her go. This will hurt like hell but you won't die from it. If you do this right it will end up being the best thing that ever happens to you. With the next relationship you'll do better because you'll know better.
And as such, if she doesn't WANT to be with you, the worst thing you could do is try to hang on to someone who is running and screaming trying to get away from you.
OK so now, granted I can't control her, I can only control myself, etc etc. But all said, and I hope this is the best way of asking it, given the situation, what are the things one needs to do in order to (if possible) cause her to want to be with me again? To see me as not only the man she married but also as the man she would like to be with now also and going forward?
A big part of what it sounds like you're struggling with is owning up to your own contributions to the failure of the marriage. This is a big step, forgiving yourself.
Once you do that, you'll be able to take a very objective look at what went wrong (with WAWs its 99% them).
Edit: Again your focus is on the wrong person. The link below is your homework.
You can woulda/coulda/shoulda all day long and it won't change anything. The truth is you did the best you could at the time and now that chapter of your life is over. Learn from this experience and move forward. Last time I checked there isn't a time machine. On this you don't get a do over. Let her go. This will hurt like hell but you won't die from it. If you do this right it will end up being the best thing that ever happens to you. With the next relationship you'll do better because you'll know better.
What an excellent post. I love it from start to finish. You are spot on, Mavash.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eyesopen
OK so now, granted I can't control her, I can only control myself, etc etc. But all said, and I hope this is the best way of asking it, given the situation, what are the things one needs to do in order to (if possible) cause her to want to be with me again? To see me as not only the man she married but also as the man she would like to be with now also and going forward?
Again, you are trying to control what you want her to see/think/feel.
You CANNOT "cause" someone to want to be with you. Just as you cannot "make" someone love you. Or stay with you. Or anything with you. What you CAN do is tell her how you feel and tell her you want you rmarriage to work and outline where you went wrong and what you want to do to make things better in the future. She will either WANT to be with you of her own free will or she won't. If she will, awesome, congrats--strengthen your marriage, together. If she won't, all you can do is concede.
This is a sign of controlling thoughts/actions, a byproduct of codependency. You are codependent.
Read the link in my signature.
Stop being unfair to her and yourself. You have issues to work on. The only way she will want to be with you again is if you become a better man than you used to be. You're not there yet.
I was in your shoes about a year ago, couldn't understand how she could walk awa from 25 years of marriage, walk away from love...from the family...
I now realized she walked away two years ago, it was because she did love me and couldn't handle watching, enabling the downward spial that my life had become due to alcoholism...
People often confuse love and marriage...love is the easy part, marriage takes a total committment from 2 people...the woman I married 27 years ago isn't the same woman I worship now, nor am I the same man...we've had to evolve numerous times...I am learning the difference between love and intimacy, that the meaning of "communication" is different for her than it is me...I can be in the same room and feel like we are in communication, she needs chatter...
Love is the easy part, marriages evolve, and hopefully mature...
__________________
I firmly believe that love is a game of control, or maybe true love is a game of giving up control...and if both give up control, then neither have it but the shared one do...
bad love contols us like pawns on a chess board...
what are the things one needs to do in order to (if possible) cause her to want to be with me again? To see me as not only the man she married but also as the man she would like to be with now also and going forward?
You're not listening to us. It's too late. She's fallen out of love and she's done.
What you need to do is put your energy into healing. Chasing someone that doesn't want you is a complete waste of time. Let her go.
You're not listening to us. It's too late. She's fallen out of love and she's done.
I am listening... I swear to god I am listening. At least the best I can.
I don't want to *make* her do anything, not in the controlling sense. But I would like to find a way to rekindle/reconstruct what was once there and was lost. There has to be a way, there has to.
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Why can't love win... 
