Ok, I've been looking over these fourms for the past month trying to gain some insight into what the heck is going on with my marriage... But to no avail I still have yet to understand.
My wife left me three weeks ago and proclaimed she didn't love me at all and that she wanted a divorce, two days later she came home and said she wanted to work it out, go to counseling, etc...
We slept in the same bed the first night she was home, but the following two weeks turned into hell for me. She would only argue, scream, and reject every attempt I made at expressing how remorseful I was for the problem she thinks we had. She also locked me out of the bedroom, refused to talk to me, would not touch me, and became extremely paranoid about me snooping. She left for good last sunday on our weekly "family day" Heres a little back story.
We met in highschool, her father was not in the picture (abandoned her at 2) and her mother was emotionally and physically abusive. She was hooked on pills and nearly anything else she could get her hands on, she was also in an abusive relationship. We were friends for two years, and although we both admitted to having feelings for each other she never allowed me to be there for her more than just friends. One day after she finally ended it with her guy at the time things just happened and then 5 days later (June 15th) we started dating. We dated for 1 1/2 years before I proposed on a New years eve trip to california that I took her on, then 6 months later we married on June 15th as to keep it the same anniversary. We had some heated fights once every few months, but we've never split up in 8 years of being together or 6 years of marriage. so 6 years of marriage and 2kids later we've built a life together, we own our own home, paid off cars, a 3 and 1 year old, and the family that she never had. After we got together I managed to get her to quit doing all the drinking and drugs, also to banish the drug heads that she hung around with, and for the past 7 years she grew from a deceptive, whiney poor me type person, to a successful wife, mother, and nurse. The past 3 months I had been deep into work and she started complaining out of no where that I'm ignoring her on purpose and that I don't care enough to listen anymore... I'm no saint, believe me, I can be an a**hole just as good as the next guy, and when she suggested marriage counseling I freaked and told her we didn't need it, just to spend more time together. fast forward to our 8th year anni (last month) she goes around telling people how proud she is to be with her best friend for the last 8 years and so on and so forth.
Skip to 3 weeks ago. Her friend, who she was supposed to be the maid of honor in her wedding was over (the friend just left her man a week before the wedding last year, if that makes a difference) was at our house. My wife came up to me around 7 pm and told me she loved me more than anything and gave me a loving kiss. 2 hours later, her pal comes in and asks around 9:30 if me and my friend want some liquor, and I immediately say "Seriously? at 9:30? Wife and I have to be up with the kids at 6, hell no!" So I though it was over. Then her pals boyfriend pulls up to my house with drinks for them (I can't stand this guy, He lit up some weed in front of my children the first time I met him and that wrapped up my opinion of him) I look outside, ask what the hell is going on and retreat as to not escalate the situation. I walk to the front of my house and smoke a cig to calm down, and my wife approaches me (who is now drunk) and all I say is "Really, drinking at 10:15?" and that was it... She now claims that by me getting her out of her situation, and my family taking her in as their own that I was only ever out to control her. Her family used her as a maid and babysitter before I came along and SHE asked to leave with me from there. Now they are all in her corner saying how I used to control her and never let her do anything (even though I paid for her college, her car, taught her how to drive, etc...) Maybe I've done too much, but I never held her back. I only helped and supported, granted I had my opinions, but never have I said "If you do this, I'll do this!".
I just don't understand how someone who never had a real family and told me up until 3 weeks ago that she wanted our kids to have a real family and that my family was more like a family to her than hers could ever be, Could just flip on a dime like that. She literally developed Anxiety disorder, Depression, and High Blood pressure the week after she left me, I know leaving me is affecting her, but she won't listen to reason. She claims she hates me now, and that the only thing she wants to do with someone "possesive and controlling" is co-parenting. Every mutual friend we have has said shes gone nuts and to let her go, but I love the girl. My family means everything to me and it kills me to see her destroy it because she feels like she has something to prove to herself. I'm filing bright and early tomorrow because she said she doesn't have the money to do it, but not to ever expect her to come back AND shes talking to a guy over facebook that was trying to pick her up about 5 months ago. Shes tried to be civil with me until I bring up how crazy this whole situation is and then the claws come out and I never did anything for her buut control her life... My kids miss her, I miss her. But she isn't "her" anymore, I feel like I'm looking at the 16 yr old version of her again and I don't have any hope left. Its devastating to be told that you don't mean anything to the one person that meant everything.
PHEW... Just want to see someones take on this that doesn't know us... Maybe I'm delusional and me doing everything for her was wrong, BUT she had NO ONE, so I felt obligated to take care of my woman. Call me old fashion, but I wanted to make sure she was always taken care of, but able to self sustain (hence college and 2 cars that I bought her) She makes a good living now and I just demoted myself at work to go back to school and she leaves right when my income is less than half of what it was. I have the kids majority of the time because she doesn't even have a place. I just wish she would wake up and come home, I don't care what the hell happened I just want my wife back... but my actual wife, not the psycho that she is right now. I've made up my mind on the filing tomorrow thing, she was hateful to me enough to push me into doing it so she wouldn't have to pay, or didn't have the balls, or whatever. But after she told me that she just woke up one day, didn't love me "just like that" she says, I told her she won, and I wasn't going to put my kids through it or myself. So damn confused... I miss my wife, I hate the newer version of her, I guess I just love the idea of the previous her.
i'm sorry you're going through this, but i'm glad you found this site jdl. i am dealing with a walk away as well. i can tell you 100% nobody wakes up one day and just falls out of love. could there be somebody else? drug abuse? a history of mental instability?
it sucks when the person you love turns into a crazy stranger. for your sanity and the sake of your children(do you feel comfortable with them spending time with her in her current state?), try to figure out what caused this change.
Substance abuse never goes away, it is always there, always waiting to be your best friend again...without support and avoiding the "wrong" crowd, it is easy to fall prey to it again...sounds like she has welcomed an old friend back into her life...you can't love booze and drugs while loving another...
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I firmly believe that love is a game of control, or maybe true love is a game of giving up control...and if both give up control, then neither have it but the shared one do...
bad love contols us like pawns on a chess board...
One thing I do see jumping out at me is your attitude that you rescued her. You saved her from a horrible situation, and I have no doubts that it was, but if that attitude somes through towards her, that she should feel grateful to you, her rescuer, then you have big problems. Regardless, the fact that you rescued her and gave her the life she wanted doesn't really matter. She will never see it that way, and every time you point out the things you saved her from, the further you will drive her away, so you really need to clear your thoughts of how you rescued her, because in her mind, you didn't.
Yeah, I noticed the drinking becoming heavy within the past 3 months, it certainly isn't all peaches and cream on my side either, my father was an alchy and my mother a severe drug addict, also divorced when I was 3.
Yes she has a history of Bi-Polar and Depression, but she was fine for 7 out of our 8 years, no meds required... The worst part of it is that I was always her rock and now she resents me for it... I fear for her in so many ways, but she will not listen as she tells me that I'm only being pushy and controlling... My kids will not have the family that We both swore on our own lives to give them, a mother and a father under the same roof who love each other... neither one of us had that so it used to be important, and still is to me. She rationalizes now saying that they'll be ok with it and that we can't continue to argue in our house if they are there (not even in private). Marriage is hard work, and someone should have told her that, god knows all her family examples (literally no marriages exist except her grandmother who was a walk away to the first marriage) are terrible. Her mother controlled her for the first 17 years of her life, made her raise her little sister alone. I PAID bills at their house when I was 18 just so her and her sister would have lights! Now shes right back where she started, on her moms phone plan, living in her house, watching her teenage sister at all times... its sad that she can't see whats unfolding right in front of her. I cannot continue to have false hope though. The woman I knew is gone and is replaced by someone who resents me for all the things I've done, bad and good.
Shes a great mom though, I don't think... well I didn't think that she would ever put them in harms way. Although wanting to move to a shady trailer park and have them 50/50 worries me. I don't want my kids arounds drug addicts, I grew up in that enviroment (just the same as her) and even though I did my share of stupid sh*t in my teens I've been clean for 6 years and barely even drink. I prefer to live with clarity, regardless of how paiful reality can be, not suppression methods.
Hell, I know im only 25, I'm a good looking guy and I got a lot to offer to a woman, I'm a great dad and I love my kids and keep them majority of the time... But its always been her since the moment I saw her, I don't know why, but thats just how it was.
One thing I do see jumping out at me is your attitude that you rescued her. You saved her from a horrible situation, and I have no doubts that it was, but if that attitude somes through towards her, that she should feel grateful to you, her rescuer, then you have big problems. Regardless, the fact that you rescued her and gave her the life she wanted doesn't really matter. She will never see it that way, and every time you point out the things you saved her from, the further you will drive her away, so you really need to clear your thoughts of how you rescued her, because in her mind, you didn't.
I've never told her she owed me anything, I've never held it over her head or accused her of not being grateful... I've even said that I did it because I loved her and that I was proud of the woman she became. If that wasn't enough to explain how I felt then maybe I am delusional?
Also, I'm human. I've never said I was perfect... I've made mistakes and I was an a** at times.
We've both done some crazy stuff to each other, but we've always worked it out and never split up. It doesn't matter I suppose, even though I love her I'm filing because this false hope dragging in my mind that she will realize that I've always been in her corner cheering and not pushing and demanding tribute seems futile at this point. I'm not giving up, I just feel like there's no more room in her heart for me. Posted via Mobile Device
Ger toxic friends have got hold of her now and filled her head with all kinds a crap. She is making money now and now all the low lifes are coming out of the wood work to latch on to her...even her side of the family.
So now there alot more influences, be it bad ones at that, she is now in there control will they feed her with drugs and booze. Top that off with a new boyfriend that your wife has now an emotional connection to and she's gone.
Its not often a women will run off without the security of a emotional connection and secuity of affection so make no mistake you have been replaced.
I hope this answers some question you have?
You are fighting this by filing for a D and having her served as soon as possible, so thats great. Now distance your self and show here *another* conseguence by showing that you will no longer be there for her, she is not your problem any more, and don't even think about being friends.
Now is the time to toughen up and show her the indifference she diserves...again another consequence. Start playing hard ball with a shark of a lawyer, and fight for full custody...again another consequence.
I know the kids need there mother, but right now her drug habit and life style are not good for the kids to see.
In time you can lighten up but only when she hits rock bottom that will make her turn the corner and be a better parent...this will take time but with more consequences the soon she may turn that corner.
I suggest you hire a PI and get here new life style documentedit will help you in court.
I understand you have a hard time in punishing the women you love, but with out consequences she will continue to be a toxic parent to your children...she needs consequences to show her she is not what she can be in the future as a ggod mother.
So these consequences are about you marriage now, it getting your kids mother back and it will take some time b/c the hold other/things have on her is strong.
Yeah, I've ceased contact, only time I talk is for kids now. We have one more MC appt and then it's kids only... Sad end to such a great marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
This pal of hers do you think that could be the bad voice of reasoning with her? It just seems like as soon as this person came back into her life she is like this. And obviously her family is trying to manipulate her to come back. Don't do the divorce tell her that your not the one that wants it and that if she wants it so bad she will have to do it all by herself. Get ready to fight for those kids. She will end up messing them up as much as her mom did her.
I was waiting for her to file, but she's dragging it out, because of money issues. I'm not going to sit in my house depressed while pals around with her friend. And yes, there is not a single doubt that her friend is egging this on. She's our daughters god mother and has hated me from day one because I was always the voice of reason in our now broken circle (her ex fiancée is a good friend if mine) Posted via Mobile Device
I've never told her she owed me anything, I've never held it over her head or accused her of not being grateful... I've even said that I did it because I loved her and that I was proud of the woman she became. If that wasn't enough to explain how I felt then maybe I am delusional?
See right there? The fact that you even addressed it is being taken as controlling and being held over her. I believe you that you never held it over her head, or said she owes you anything.
What I am reading here, from her point of view could easily be interpreted as "I made you".
Like I said, I know that is not what you are really meaning, but do not underestimate the subtle power of words to someone who is looking to find meaning in them.
Samy I absolutely agree with you. I wish I didn't come off the way I did sometimes to her because it was never my intention... And her being served, I only know when she's at work (hospital) is that a good idea? God knows what she's doing when she's off -_- Posted via Mobile Device
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Wife is gone, for good. 
