Something dawned on me today. I was reading some divorce related articles to mentally prepare myself for what may be my fate.
What I found was something that I'm pretty sure neither I nor my wife are ready to do....this all goes back to the "want to be friends" and the "I will always love you" from her...
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If you cannot accept times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce.
• If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.
I'm pretty much set with these two as well....I don't know if my 180 will eventually help with that, but it was an eye-opener.
I think those 2 points are what ultimately will save my marriage...we could never, ever totally let go of each other after 30 years of being together...we just weren't healthy for each other and needed to separate to get to know ourselves again...we had become great parents, but terrible husband and wife...
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I firmly believe that love is a game of control, or maybe true love is a game of giving up control...and if both give up control, then neither have it but the shared one do...
bad love contols us like pawns on a chess board...
took us over a year to even be able to start MC...when her first lease was up and she told me she was renewing it rather than moving home I told her then and there that I was done, that there was no way we could work on reconnciling if she was only willing to give me an hour a week...and I then walked away, started NC all over again...a month later she called and told me she was willing to committ 100% to make things work, we started MC a few weeks later and steadily, things have gotten better...
We are in love again, planning on renewing or vows later this fall....both trying together to make things better than they ever were...
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I firmly believe that love is a game of control, or maybe true love is a game of giving up control...and if both give up control, then neither have it but the shared one do...
bad love contols us like pawns on a chess board...
Your story brought a smile to my face. It's comforting to know that some fortitude is all it takes to see things through.
Our two cats make it hard to completely detach from each other.
But when I look at the big picture......
- We've been best friends for 12 years
- We still have deep feelings for each other
- We're very concerned about the other
- We still want to be a big part of each other's lives.
But we're also very, VERY stubborn people. She said she "just wants to be friends".
I finally, thanks to starting to break out of my Nice Guy phase, said in return, "And I want this marriage to work".
I finally took a stand. A stand that I knew in my heart I wanted, not what others wanted me to do, not what others wanted for me.
You two are both wrong in thinking that your spouses cannot let go of you.
It's possible that they find it hard and eventually come back, but the odds are very much against both of you.
Separations mostly end up in divorce.
Moving on is not a bad thing when you have a clean conscious and no guilt to carry.
You want to find out if your spouses really care, then start moving on today. Start living like you're single. This is not immoral. It's life. Everyone has a desire to feel WANTED and LOVED. When someone walks out on a marriage, those 2 desires go out the window for the left-behind spouse (but not necessarily the walkaway spouse).
Start moving on with no guilt. Life doesn't stop just because your marriage has.
To add to Synthetics advice (which you should take).
DO NOT look for 'signs' that she is .. noticing?
Because really, her mind set does not change along with yours.
You two are completely different people now, what she wants and what you want are no longer a 'connected' feeling.
She could very well base your 'new' actions and way of life on what she knows of you from the marriage.
I will admit, I did that.
She sees my moving forward and the things I do as manipulation. Granted, sure, some things I did were to just get her attention, but a lot of it wasn't.
They think differently than us, we cannot understand them until they open completely up and they don't want us to open up to them.
I didn't say she couldn't let me go, but she didn't...maybe ours is a rare story unfortunately...
Statitistics may say most separations end in divorce, but statistics also say that those that do reconncile find themselves happier, stronger than ever...
don't hate on those hanging on, don't let you aingst toward your situation cloud other's hope...give advice yes...but don't rain on our parades!!!
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I firmly believe that love is a game of control, or maybe true love is a game of giving up control...and if both give up control, then neither have it but the shared one do...
bad love contols us like pawns on a chess board...
If you cannot accept times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce.
• If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.
The spiritual component is still my biggest hurdle. Even though D papers have been filed, I feel guilty about giving up on my marriage from a spiritual standpoint.
Quote:
If you cannot accept times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce.
• If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.
I think I agree with this. But, whether we are ready or not, it is not within our control if our spouses want divorce. This only works if both parties feel this way.
Quote:
If you cannot accept times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce.
• If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.
I think I agree with this. But, whether we are ready or not, it is not within our control if our spouses want divorce. This only works if both parties feel this way.
It applies to both the one who was left behind and the one who left.
I agree with Synth and Up. Unfortunately, I've come to understand that time and distance erases love, attachment. I'd be surprise if after a good considerable amount of time with no contact all between you two you are not feeling different about this.
I'm talking about NC between you two and both of you living life meaning going out, doing things, etc. Not just being at home all along crying. That doesn't count because the person is still with you in your thoughts and that's not true NC.
don't hate on those hanging on, don't let you aingst toward your situation cloud other's hope...give advice yes...but don't rain on our parades!!!
DjF,
You obviously don't know my story. I hung on and then let go. My wife did come back. She did a complete 180 and is now pushing for full reconciliation. I don't hate on those who hang on. I learned that it's wrong to hang on to a walkaway spouse.
When you stop hanging on, they are no longer walkaways. They are no longer in control. They lose all their leverage. ALL OF IT.
For those who have been left behind: Don't hang on. It's the wrong thing to do.
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Consequences of divorce... 
