I am new here, and, unfortunately, need to be here. Last saturday, my wife was DISTANT. I asked what was up and, after much discussion, she said she needed space. Which I gave. She left for the week with no communication. This friday she came back and handed me a letter stating that she had changed and that she realized life was short, and that she wanted more out of life. We have been married for over 8 years and together for ten. Most of which was wonderful. Over the past year she has gotten really into yoga, which in turn, has allowed her to focus on herself and her inner power. I don't say this in a negative way, it just is. I found yoga to be relaxing, but it was all she would talk about. Her letter was very well thought out and concisive. She stated that she had been feeling distant for years, but "thought that was just what happens over time" and settled that this is what life was. Then something opened up in her that said there was more, but she needed to be alone to discover it. She has asked for a divorce. In NC, where I live, the law states that we must be at different addresses for a year before divorce can be granted. I strongly believe that we are the perfect people for each other and our world views are the same, but, unfortunately, this doesn't seem too be enough for her to try to work through this trouble. Our conversation on sunday was calm and respectful, but she seems to believe that there is no reconciliation. I am willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to work this out. Sorry for the long windedness, but I need some help
Are there any children? I'm assuming no, since you didn't mention them.
I'm the wife in this position, although b/c we have kids and our marriage is a lot older (almost 21 years), there are differences. But I "awoke" to a realization that I didn't want to be with my husband anymore, and in the space of about 2 weeks, worked through the fear and guilt of that realization and could have left. I didn't, at least not yet. I feel I owe my family the chance at reconciliation, even if I'm convinced it won't work. I'm sort of on the "fake it to see if you can make it" plan.
It is fair of you to ask this of her. Be sure to ask her if there is anyone else, anyone who has made her realize she felt so dissatisfied with her marriage. Don't be shocked if there is--that's not the CAUSE of the problem, it's the symptom. She wouldn't have found herself responding, emotionally, if she wasn't already dissatisfied. I can almost document how I went from being invulnerable to another man's appeal (emotionally) to realizing how very vulnerable I was. I thought I could just keep resisting that feeling, that it was "normal," etc. Then one day I realized I didn't WANT to keep resisting, and everything started to fall apart, or come together, depending on how you look at it. The fact that I no longer WANT to avoid an attachment is the reason I need to leave. Maybe that feeling will change; maybe not. If she's already given into it and found someone else, that is a separate issue that she will need to decide first. It all comes down to whether or not she is committed to the marriage, and that's what you need to ask her. If she is at least willing to try, then there is some hope.
I agree with the other posts. Many of us have been in your shoes; it is a sad place. As my estranged husband became increasingly distant, I lived in denial. I would never have believed he could have cheated on me, but he did. Sorry to say this, but the "distant" thing is a big red flag someone is cheating.
There's a book titled "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman which benefited me greatly after my spouse moved out. It has strong religious overtones, so I realize it may not be for everyone. It helped me though.
Hang in there. You'll find much support on this forum.
I have asked her about another man. She says there is not, and I tend, perhaps ignorantly, to believe her. My wife is a very honest person, and a bad liar. After 10 years I think I can tell when she is lying (which really hasn't happened). This seems to me to be a "reawakening" of herself. She seems to be strong in herself, which is good unless you are me! She has chosen to leave this marriage with conviction, but I have no "reason" why. I know she was dissatisfied, but really don't have any specifics. This Sucks
I'm a relative newbie here too NCDave. There was a book suggested earlier in this thread by Gary Chapman. I just finished another by him that was suggested to me by others on this board entitled "The Five Love Languages". Honestly I thought it was hokey, but now that I've read it -- this past weekend -- I wished I had years ago. Maybe you should read that one as well and have her read it.
I asked my ex about another man...she denied it even after I presented her with evidence to the contrary.
Look, this whole "needed to find myself" and "there is more to life I want to experience" stuff is a load of bull! Anything like that is all subterfuge for "there is someone else."
Of course it will be denied, to keep their own guilt at bay until they are free from the confines of the current relationship. Once that separation is complete, even if the divorce isn't final, there will be "somoneone else" and I'm sure it will be "oh it just happened, I wasn't looking for anyone."
Just remember a cheater rarely comes clean. I had all kind of suspicions when my husband was cheating. I would ask and the answer was always "no". That changed when I could tie a name to the activities.
Well, now I'm paranoid! No not really. Well a little. I guess the plain truth is that she has made this decision and there is little I can do but to be positive and conduct myself in a manner that I can look back and not regret. I still think it sucks though.
Hi NC Dave sorry you are here whether their is someone else or not i suggest that this would be a good time to start working on yrself and doing things you like to do or develop new hobbies etc If she is unwilling to R and just insists on a D go ahead and file and give her what she wants their are too many other people out their to be consumed by someone that doesnt for whatever reason want to be married to you
Or she could be in an EA and since it's not physical doesn't think she's cheating. Most people seem to think as long as we don't have sex it's not cheating and that's where alot of us get into trouble.
ncdave, i have to agree with the other posters, particularly on two things: (i) likelihood that there is someone else in her life, (ii) regardless of whether there is or isn't, it is near impossible for you to change the way someone else thinks, so work on yourself and be proud of who you are and can become. this will do wonders for you, and that will rub off on others (perhaps even your wife, some day down the road).
my wife gave me the 'i need to find myself' line and i foolishly believed her, only to get the 'i'm in love with my coworker' line 2 weeks later, so i hate to say that i know what you are going through. i know it sounds easy to say 'work on yourself', but a lot of people on this forum have gone through, or are going through, exactly that, so you have people here to support you as it happens.
good luck with everything - it will be one of the hardest things to get through in your entire life, but you have support here.
First, if you have her email password, you check her emails. She's leaving you anyway, so her getting mad is irrelevant.
You check her text messages. Do both of these things on the sly and use emotional key work gobbledigook like 'Feelings' 'emotional needs' 'fulfillment' etc. Print out the crap which is damning. Do it as soon as you get access because she might change her passwords soon.
You go to your joint accounts and take out the retainer for the PI and Lawyer off the top. What is left, you split in half and TAKE YOUR HALF OUT NOW!
You get her followed to see if there's a predator somewhere. "It's expensive" you say. "It's disresepectful' you say. "It will make her mad' You say. Okay, you MIGHT say that. But you know what is more expensive, disrespectful and maddening? Divorce. And that is what you already have.
Have her stuff packed up and ready to go. YOU do it. Don't be gentle. Don't label anything. Pack randomly and haphazardly. Make up on top of a silk blouse. This also lets you control exactly what she takes and makes her the supplicant if she wants something else. You have it OUTSIDE the house. Why?
Change the locks AND demand the former keys. The last is actually symbolic and a HUGE 'wake the frog' up moment. Do it at the sister's house in front of her.
Change all your passwords. Today. Now. Do not use a single memory of her to try and remember it or anyone else she knows about.
Day 1 Have your HR call her telling her she is no longer covered by your health insurance. You can cancel that if it's a earth shattering experience like a divorce. Ditto 401K plan.
Day 2 Have your auto insurer call her the next day telling her that her car is no longer covered by your insurance policy.
Day 3, cut her cell phone plan.
BTW, do not take any calls about any of this from her or her family. She's still in a warm fuzzy place of self actualization. Let's see if her new spiritual self feels the same way as she's looking for healthcare and car insurance as she's borrowing a cell phone. Shut off your voice mail system if you can. Not being able to leave even a voice mail will frustrate her more.
Retain counsel. Have one of their process servers go to her job and give her all the contact information in front of her co-workers. Don't let her dribble what is happening in her life to other people at her pace. If she wants to do this, she has to own it.
Speaking of her mom: Dirty Trick 1 have a co-worker pretend to be your human resource person and contact her mom 'by accident' to tell her she's off the 401k/health insurance thing. Oops. HR made a mistake. Her mother may ask why. "Why, for the impending divorce."
I say this for two reasons:
One, she's trying to control how things go here. She wants to call the shots. Well, she gets to call one shot: she says she feels like she wants a divorce. You should believe her. You don't have to agree. You don't have to want it. But SHE THINKS THIS and she's not wrong that's how she feels (her reasoning is probably off but that's another matter) As long as she thinks that the D is going to be comfortable, it's attractive. You need to cure her of this delusion.
Two: If you want to wake her up, she needs a strong dose of reality. Go 180 no contact no helping her in anything.
I think you'll find she's 'attached' in an emotional way to some clown in Yoga. You mentioned this, so I think your subconscious is telling you something. He's 'opening her mind to possibilities'. Well, he wants to open something.
When you find out about this, go to the yoga place and mention it to him to his face. Let her yoga flunkies know what is happening. She shouldn't have a safe harbor.