Join Date: Mar 2011
| | Just starting a Controlled Separation
My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. I don't feel love for him anymore, and it's been coming for over 2 years, and I am trying to keep this post short so I'm not going to go into much detail about specifics.. The issues in a nut shell are.. neither of us has been unfaithful, and neither of us intends to be. It's mostly the lack of courtesy, not helping with chores/ kids, making me feel guilty for him not getting to buy things that we can't afford (he didn't work for over 2 years and we are just getting back on our feet), Anyway. We have had a long talk, and I have told him I wanted a separation, which he absolutely refused to agree to, and will not leave the house and the kids. So we agreed to an in house separation to work on the marriage. The rules we set out are:
1. Monday we meet for an hour to discuss our marriage. We are going to keep journals for the week, of what we have learned about ourselves, things the other has done that bothered us, or hasnt done. Things that we need the other to do do help us make ourselves better people. And we have agreed that we can give criticism, but don't be mean.
2.Friday is mini-date night. the kids are going to bed around 8, and we are going to do something other than watch TV or a movie. Board Games, Cards, X-Box, anything other than talk about the marriage problems/ issues we have.
3. One night a week is Family night, but no movies. We have to do things with the kids where we are involved. Games, painting, the park, drawing, whatever... IF we are tired and want a movie night, we BOTH need to agree to a movie, because this night is supposed to be about communicating, not watching TV ignoring eachother.
4. Once per month we have an actual date night. And we are going to alternate who plans it. If it's his turn, then he plans it, and i will drop the kids off at the sitter, and he is responsible for getting the house ready to create the atmosphere and decide what to do (date doesnt need to equal expensive as his mistakenly thinks). Date night also doesnt mean sex is going to be the end result.
5. he is sleeping in a different room right now because I have feelings to work out about him constantly groping me and treating me like i'm only here for sex. So IF there are nights i want him to sleep with me to cuddle with me, that is not an invite for sex, and if he feels that he cannot sleep next to me without groping me then he has the right to say no. I need to work through my resentment for the last two years of the way he has treated me. he needs sex to show me he loves me, but i put myself out there and as long as i never say no to him, he is fine, but there is no attention other than groping me.. and if one night i say no to sex, i go to bed alone while he ignores me from there on out unit I finally give in and have sex with him again, and it is only about sex.. there's no emotional attachment.
we have given 3 months timeline on this. He set the time frame, and at the end of that time frame, we will decide which way to go. If everything that we have talked about is taken seriously and we stick to it, then obviously the marriage will survive, but if at the end of the 3 months we are still at this stage, we are going to move on to a formal separation with him or I leaving the house. I cannot live being a sex object to someone anymore and nothing more. I feel like a *****. I tell him I am flattered that he finds me "hot", I lost 160# a couple years ago, but that's no reason to treat me like I'm good for nothing else.. I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm friendly, it's not like he is married to an Air Head who can't carry a conversation with him. I dont want to see someone else, I don't want to cheat, why would i?? I'm getting the sexual attention that alot of women go looking for, I feel attractive, I feel desired, I feel like a *****.
So, I'm looking for any advice you have to offer on how to make this work. We don't want to divorce, but I cannot go on the way that we have been, and I need to feel a connection, and feel like I am wanted for me, not just for a booty call. I need to work on my resentment against him, and that only comes with time, which we are aiming for.