lonleyinlasvegas

So after nearly six weeks of minimal contact (only a few emails about finances), she called me today finally to talk about bills (that need to be paid by me of course as she has no job..)

While I have been dilligent on my 180 (not that she even tried to initiate contact..) this is how it went..

From her:

ongoing finanancial issues have just drained her the last few years and we never seem to make any progress. (all true).

I suggested we completly seperate our finances 100% and each person can do what they wish with money earned, and we only pay joint finances each month. We both agree that is the only viable option going forward to solve this problem. She has agreed to get a full time job..


there is little or no intamacy for the last few years as I have been overly occupied in trying to save our business that we worked together on for years.

this is also true, but I said neither of us made any effort to try and make this better, so we need to share equal blame..

Basically she says she feels she's tried of bringing these to my attention over the years and nothing has changed and she is done trying..

this is not 100% true, and since she has made no effort to get a job and help contribute to the finances, one can not complain when one spouse is carrying 100% of the financial burden...but let me also say it is 100% my fault for letting this go on for years and not forcing her to get a job because I can't stand conflict..and I never forced her to get a full time job.

So we finally used the words "divorce" in our conversation for the first time. I told her that since she walked away without giving me any chance to resolve these issues, she is not even trying before going directly to divorce..she says she has tried for years and is fed up and tired. (maybe I as a very poor listener...)

Now we did not talk about the elephant in the room today. She was happy as can be up until 2 months ago when she met a new guy at the gym that she was spending way too much time with texting, emailing, etc. basically a hot and heavy emotional affair.

When I asked her to stop all contact, she handed me a long list of the above and many more and said she wanted to seperate two days later. So maybe the new guy was what broke the camels back in this case..or is the primary reason..not sure.

She still says she wants to come back to Nevada, but find a local apartmend and live alone and will not stop "working out" with this other man...

So what should I do? i think she wants to have her cake and eat it to. I will not allow myself to be used as a doormat or Plan B. Already made that clear to her..but she is not listening to anything i say due to her infatuation with this other man. she says she has not had a PA (yet) and I believe her 100%. but no doubt thats where it will go if she comes back to town.

I told her that two people that (still) love each other owe it to themselved to try and reconcile, and if it does not still work, then we can say we did all we could, and then get divorced and go about our seperate ways. I have no problem moving on at this point if she does not love me, or love me enough to even try.

I wont say I am without blame here for all the things she brought up, but she did walk away, I did not.

How much blame is mine for the above? How much effort should I put into salvaging this marriage of 12 years? Just tell it to me straight if I was the one responsible.

She was crying and in pain and stopped eating, so cleary the decision to divorce is still weighing heavily on her to this day..but she does not seem to have the guts to come out and ask for a divorce..but she does want a seperation agreement.

I kept my cool and tried to make rational arguments as to why we owe it to ourselves to at least try to reconcile...

bandit.45

File for divorce and have her served. She is not going to budge.

Sadwithtwolittlegirls

WOW.. seems like you have you head on straight ... good for you..

__________________
Jason

jh52

Filing for divorce is not getting divorced. There is a waiting period before the documents get signed and the divorce is final.

Maybe this will snap her out of her affair. Maybe NOT.

Either way -- I think you win.

You are her Plan B --- she has OM and do I beleieve she hasn't had sex with the trainer --- NOPE !!

Just my opinion.

lonleyinlasvegas

Filing for divorce is basically a ultimatum in my mind and may force her hand. She is clearly having second thoughts and the one on the fence.

I don't want to be the bad guy here and file..if she is truly done and does not wish to reconcile, then she needs to tell me that 100% and she can file...or i can file then.

I think when she gets a draft of the seperation agreement this week and realizes that she will walk away with little or nothing (we had a prenup) then she may reconsider. Not that I want that to be the only reason for her to come back by all means...

bandit.45

Sometimes you have to be willing to end the marriage to save it. You have to show your WW that you are ready to toss the relationship and move on. That is what it means to show strength. You said yourself you have avoided conflict...here you are doing it again.

Sadwithtwolittlegirls

How the heck did you get her to agree to a prenup?

__________________
Jason

lonleyinlasvegas

That was 12 years ago when I had all the money and she had none..but that issue aside, I had to ask myself are any of my decisions motivated by money right now. And the answer is no, if there is love and commitment, then there can be a marriage and we can share in the fruits of our work together.

lonleyinlasvegas

bandit, easy for you to say, you dont have to pay the price if I am wrong and misjudge the situation...but I do very much appreciate your perspective.

bandit.45

Read my threads. I know the score. And I'm telling you...your self worth, self esteem and peace of mind are worth more than a broken marriage, which she is 50% responsible for by the way.

I don't ever give advice lightly, especially when it comes to filing.
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lonleyinlasvegas

bandit, I argree, she needs to pull her 50% in terms of financial and intamacy contributions. If there is no commitment to those two things, that is a dealbreaker for me. I dont want to be married to her then.

2much2soon

Bandit, you are a hoot.Go comment on my thread.

happyman64

Lonely,

Bandit is right. File for D.

Your wife abandoned you and the marriage before she ever left the house on her "extended" trip away from you.

And yes, she wants to date the OM when she returns hence her own place.

Serve her now.

She needs to know you are not her backup plan.

Do not tell her but do this now! Have her served at her mothers home. Your wife has this all planned out and you do not see it. Hell she boarded the damn pets because she has no plans to come back to you!!!!!!

And when she contacts you after she has received the D papers do not contact her back right away.

Just send her a statement like this " I loved you for 12 years. I worked hard for us and for our marriage. Neither of us are perfect. But I would never have walked out on you or our marriage. Never. I have remained faithful and loving of you.

But I refuse to be your Plan B (or backup plan)!

Have a nice life,

Lonely"

That s what you do. Then go silent. You will have your answer.

My two cents she has walked away for good. She is going for what she thinks is the greener grass.

Your wife needs to fail and be humbled......

What the heck are you waiting for????


HM64

lonleyinlasvegas

happyman, i like your plan. I see the wisdom.. but I think I need her to sign a formal seperation agreement before filing for divorce otherwise I will be screwed when lawyers get involved...

bandit.45

Your lawyes should be involved WITH the formal separation agreement. Don't do it on your own.