tiptoe1969

My husband has been having an EA/PA for close to one year now. We had gone back and forth with ideas of reconciliation within the year but to no avail he is still in the fog and can't stop his addiction to the other woman.

I have finally filed for divorce and he did not respond so the court date is set for a month from now.

We are separated and he has his own place. We had not talked for 2 months about our situation and had only talked about the kids. I am growing and changing and had felt really confident and positive about the future.

Well, a week ago he wanted to talk and I agreed. He talked about missing me and that he knows that he wants his family back but knows he is not ready. He also talks about how he knows the "other woman" is not a long term relationship but for some reason he still can not let her go.

This kinda gave me some hope although I know the divorce still needs to be finalized since I need to know he is with me for the right reasons(not kids, comfort, financial security). We started talking/texting more often without expectations. But now I feel like I have taken two steps back in my healing and growth. I feel like I am back where I started.

For those whose husbands/wifes who have come out of the fog and ended the affair and working through reconciliation, can you give advice on the strategies? It seems like I am doing a hybrid of the 180 and plan B. I get insecure and when he contacts me I can't be consistent and stick to plan. What really works? It is so difficult for me not to talk to him. We just keep going back and forth. It is as if I am fueling the affair by allowing him to be my friend. I am so lost and confused again.

toolforgrowth

He says he still cannot let her go. To me, that's all that really matters.

I would continue the 180 and keep pressing forward with divorce. It sounds like he's trying to cake eat to me. R is only possible if he lets her go. If he can't, I don't see how there's any hope for R. He sensed you pulling away due to your successful implementation of the 180. Now, he's throwing you a bone an you're starting to gnaw at it.

Don't accept scraps. Keep pressing forward. Show him you really mean it. Stay in control and don't give in.
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Conrad

Have you exposed the affair to everyone?

tiptoe1969

Yes. I have exposed the affair to everyone. (OW husband, boss, family, kids, etc.) It did nothing except OW husband left her and now she has nothing but to hang onto my husband.

Strange thing happened today. I ran into the OW at the grocery store. She tried to avoid me but I turned around and asked how her life with my husband was going. She said why should I be concerned if I am divorcing him. I agreed and told her it is because he keeps contacting me and wants to get together with me. She played it off as if she already knew but I could tell by her expression that she was reeling inside. We ended up talking for about 1/2 hour. i guess my down day turned out better cuz I was in the power position(i think).