Voirdire

My wife and I have been separated for almost 8 months after two years of marriage (we were together five years) and our final court date for a divorce is less than three weeks away. We both, at least on the surface have moved on. She is in a two-month relationship with someone who had been flirting and trying to get her away from her marriage while we were still together. I also am I'm a relationship that has been going on for about two months.

However, today it occurred to me that the relationship I'm in is just to give me something to get my mind off my soon-to-be ex-wife. Every time we go somewhere or do something I am rushed with thoughts of my wife and it makes whatever we doing miserable. I have decided that if I can't be in a relationship emotionally 100% then I shouldn't be stringing her along.

I'm curious if my wife feels the same way about her relationship? Several weeks ago while we both were in our corresponding 'relationships' she texted me saying she was watching a movie and started laughing when she remembered that I was the only guy in the theater when we watched the same movie together. She went on to say that she is still the same woman she always has been ( and went on with what she still likes to do, etc.) It really felt like she was having second thoughts about divorce.

There are obviously many details I'm leaving out and the faults we have contributed to the failings of our marriage but I have a feeling that this is just a tough point in a long marriage we would have together. I know for certain that she is my soul mate...we have both just fallen off the path.

I've done tons of soul-searching and know that I've fixed many of my issues that I caused. Is it too late to show her? How, at this point can I show her?

Any and all comments will be appreciated. I'm brand new to the forums...I came across it after searching for a place to help me to try and get this off my chest.

Thanks!

MyselfAgain

Welcome! In time you will be wo happy you found yourself here. This forum continues to play a role in my ability to self-soothe, reflect and heal, and I hope it will do the same for you.

Without more details it is hard for us to get an idea of your future (not that we are fortune tellers...but these things do often follow scripts.) Your stbxw's (soon to be ex wife's) message certainly sounds positive. But before you get your hopes up, please make sure to observe her actions now, not her words. If she stops seeing her new guy, or wants to come home, or stalls the divorce (possibly, this one isn't as reliable a sign) or takes some other action, that will be a better indicator of her intentions.

As for you...if you are in contact, the best thing you can do is let her know covertly that you have made changes she asked for...what kind of communication do you have right now? Who left the marriage originally? Any other pertinent info you want to share? Are you doing mediation or court? Kids?

Definitely better not to string this new woman along. Starting a new relationship off on the wrong foot will only hurt you in the end. I think you know this, so consider this validation of your feelings on the matter. As a woman, I would prefer to be dumped because a man isn't over his wife than any other reason. It is ok to need more time, whether you get back together with your wife or not.
Posted via Mobile Device

Voirdire

Thanks for the reply.

It was originally her that left the marriage which was to 'give her time to think'. I didn't give her much room as during those months I would stay in pretty regular contact. Talk of divorce didn't occur until until around 5-6 months of separation, where we had a fight where I was lobbying hard for her to come. Right now, there is no mediation, just court to finalize it on August 27th.

Luckily, we are both pretty young with school and her career so no kids.

As for what kind of communication we have, it just depends on if there is a pressing matter concerning finances or something of that nature. Lately, I have just texted her about normal everyday stuff and she responded very friendly and was even making a joke. It was very light-hearted. We have spoken on the phone where she did ask how me and my current girlfriend were doing. When I asked the same thing about her relationship, she would say that he cherishes her and tells her everyday how he feels about her.

Since I'm in law school and work and she has a career in law enforcement our hours at one point were getting criss-crossed and we didn't spend much time together as we should have. She felt that I didn't show as much love and didn't cherish like I should have. It's definitely true, I let school especially burden me to a point where all I wanted to do was relax by myself in my free time. This separation has definitely opened my eyes to how I've have been acting and didn't even know it. I honestly feel that I'm more mindful of such things now and I have told her this. She just believes that if she got back with me and things would probably be good for a little while but then would revert back to how they were. I just do not know how to show her, even covertly as you had put it.

Thanks again.

Frostflower

Hi Voirdire. Read the thread about the 180. It will give you some good ideas as to how to act. Remain friendly, but don't pour your heart out to her or tell her how you've changed. That will just push her farther away. It will take time for her to see the changes and to know they are permanent. If you try to rush it, you may find it has the opposite effect to what you want.

As for the woman you are seeing, break it off. Its so unfair to her.