stupidGuy

Hi all, here is my story

Disclaimer: English is (obviousely) not my mothertongue so language wise this is probably not going to be a very decent post. Sorry for that.

I will try to give the cornerstones of our marriage and be a bit more specific with the parts that matter for the problems we are having.

- we (me and stbxw) are a couple since 1995, we where both 17 y.o. at the time and we went to the same class in high school. We have ever since considered ourselves to love each other very profoundly (lasting first big love, soul mates etc.blah.blah)

- My W had a medical problem starting from 1998 lasting to about 2002. It costed a lot of energy but we stayed together..and grew as a couple. Since, no such problems occurred anymore.

- we married in 2004 and our first child (son) was born soon after.

- we had a beautiful but also hard time (I studied at the university during the day and I worked the night shift in a bakery, to be able to feed our little family)

- 2008: I started a new (demanding) job and our second child (girl) was born.

- early 2010: I went through what I would like to call an early midlife-crisis. I thought not to love my wife anymore, not the way I was supposed to. I had an EA/PA during that time (of which my wife doesnt know anything). I even wished (secretly) that my W left me so that I could get out of the relationship without being the culprit. Eventually I left home to live in my parents apartment for roughly two months. I had told my wife that I didn't love her anymore, not in a way that she deserves to be loved by her husband. In all that time I knew that I was about to turn my live upside down but somehow I just didnt care, it was very strange and I was wondering alot about myself and how I behaved. It was like the small child in my head had taken over complete control and there was nothing I could do about it. It was like a tsunami of emotions running through my brain back and forth. This kind of behavior was very uncharacteristic for me, as I am a very rational and emotionally rock solid kind of person otherwise.

- mid 2010: At some point, I think that somewhere deep down I realized that the last chances to turn around hard and fix my live had come, I suddenly realized that what I thought was love for the OW was something else, something weird that had to do with my state of mind. All of a sudden I did not want to see the OW anymore, I couldnt stand her being near me it was over, completely and definitvely over.

- fall 2010: I went back home. Strangely enough I didnt feel very guilty, I never apologized to my wife until recently. The love for my wife slowly started to florish again. A better time started. My family repopulated my plans for the future again.

- early 2012: I was working alot (a project had to be finalized, my wife knew of that and she seemed ok with it). An effect of me working long hours was that my W was often alone with our kids. Also when I finally got home I was tired and didnt gave her the time and care that she needed. I took her for granted, I did so for the last couple of years. I also neglegted her sexually. She was convinced that I didnt love her anymore (she only told me that after she left me). I was, however, not aware of those issues, I still thought that everything was fine and that we where on track to a healthy marriage again.

-5 weeks ago: My wife told me that her feelings where gone, that she didn't love me anymore. I was completely taken by surprise. All of a sudden I realized how much I still love my wife, what I was about to lose. The first two weeks I was constantly crying it was so incredibly devastating. I told and showed my wive that I still love her. I spent as much time with her as possible. I wanted to proof how important she is to me. We had our moments we had some good conversations. She still is physically attracted to me, she told me and we also had sex twice.
I moved out after a week as I couldnt stand the situation any longer. My wife was very cold to me and it felt like she was not giving me an opportunity to fight for her. I was and I still am more than ready to fight and throw in everything, but at least I need to feel that she is not unconfortable with my attempts.
Things are getting worse as it looks like my wife is kind of implementing a close to NC on me...wtf?



Questions:
- normally, if a woman would tell me that she doesnt want to be with me anymore, then I would immediately leave and try to forget her - or at least go silent for a while. But is that the right "strategy" if the reason for her to leave is me neglecting her? It seems odd. Can the poison be the cure?

- Usually I know exactly what my wife thinks..not this time. While she tells me that there is still hope to reconsile and she was really shocked when I told her that I would file divorce the moment that I had no more hope, she also sais that it would be best for me if I tried to get over her, not to hold to much hope? I also think, that generally she is not avare of the impact a divorce will have on both (and of course on the kids) our lives... (a bit like myself in my midlife-crisis)

Edit: I know very well that I deserve what happened, be assured that I learned my lesson.. the hard way...

ScottH454

While our stories aren't that similar your first question about strategy is what I'm trying to understand. I don't want to ignore or push her away if that's why she left in the first place. However that is what everyone on this forum will tell you to do. You wouldn't think it'd work an they said that's why they left, but once you really aren't there is when they realize you where there giving them more than they thought. That's what I'm doing an think it might work. Being desperate didn't get me far, only a month towards reconiling an then back to divorce.
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Frostflower

I think that strategy is your best bet. It will also give both of you time to sort out exactly how you feel about each other and your marriage. It definitely sounds like your wife for one is confused if she is telling you she has hope that you will reconcile in one breath and that you need to get over her in another. Have you thought of marriage counselling?

stupidGuy

Thank you both for your answers... it helps alot to get some feedback

probably you are right... especially given the fact that I made it very clear that I love her and that I want to work on our relationship...
This is indeed my biggest problem, I have no idea (probably she hasnt either) what she wants. Of course, one of the first things that popped in my mind was MC but there are to problems with that,
1. At the moment we kind of lack a basis for MC (she is not willing to work for the marriage, she (thinks that she) has no feelings left)
2. She says that it is too late for MC (while also saying that she cannot imagine us not to be together in the future and also saying that it is much to early to think about divorce)...I cant make any damn sense of her

It really crushes me how she seems to bin all that we had (and still have) just like this? Ironically enough, my past "midlife-crisis" is what provides some understanding for her, what keeps my hope alive, there definitively seem to be similarities.

Sbrown

I would be checking cell phone records and putting a voice activated recorder (VAR) in her car. You don't find it odd that when you where cheating you said the same thing to her (I love you but not inlove). Id bet lunch that there is at least an EA going on.

stupidGuy

I know, an EA/PA would explain ALOT... its only that I am 99% sure she has nothing going on (minimal doubts are there however).... Still, I couldnt resist and I modified some of her browser to silently save passwords... However, I have modified the file but I did not replace the original file with it yet, I kind of have scruples to spy on my wife (especially if she didnt have a PA/EA).

As to me cheating, technically speaking, I was not, the PA started after I told her not to be in love anymore and after I left, we declared that our relation was "on hold" (we where given free so to speak). BTW, now this is also the case.

Frostflower

I'd be very careful with the spying. Stay on the high road. Don't do anything morally questionable.

As for MC. maybe you could try approaching as a way to 'wrap up' the marriage. You know, figuring out with the help of a professional what went wrong and working through your feelings so that both of you can move on stronger and not make the same mistakes in future relationships. It might be a way to get her to agree to go.

stupidGuy

Now that there is the seed of doubts in my head it will be very difficult... Ill do my best to "stay on the high road"....

I am pretty sure that I could make her to seek MC for that reason. But I think she would just do me a favor in coming and I cannot imagine that it could work if not both have at least a minimal interest in saving the marriage...

BTW: How am I supposed to implement a NC/180 if kids are involved?

Frostflower

Greater minds than mine will have to answer that one. My kids are older, so it wouldn't apply to my situation.

stupidGuy

that must be some kind of a standard problem in applying 180s or NCs, isnt it?

stupidGuy

update: As I found out by accident, my stbxw mentioned to a (female) friend of her that recently she is full of lust and looking forward for sexual adventures...this information was very devastating for me (at least it seems not to be connected to a specific person, not yet). When I heard this I felt like it was another dday (I had to puke..wtf is going on with me).
Honestly, I am starting to be afraid that she is having a (light) manic episode (she has been bipolar in the past, see first post "medical issues") again after so many stable years. However, I more and more feel deeply disappointed for how she bins all the years that we had, I suffer dearly in seeing her lack of commitment for our marriage and the lack of willingness to save what once was our our lifework...this family. She basically ended the whole thing as if it was just some sort of insignificant fling. I am still convinced that she has no idea of the consequences of her actions... but it looks like that is going to be her problem as I just filled out the "request for divorce" form and I will probably let her sign it during the next week or so. I just cant stand it anymore and Id rather walk away and never look back instead of keep taking her cheap shots and try to smile while.

thank you all for your support..

Frostflower

Perhaps the fact that you signed will shock her out of whatever she is going through. It says that you are ready to move on. You will no longer be a safety net for her.

Is she on meds for the bipolar? If so, does she take them religiously or has she gone off them in the past?

stupidGuy

nope, hasnt been for ten years. She has been very stable ever since. Maybe I need to mention that a close relative of hers (whom she is very close to) suffers from terminal cancer for a while now (it is getting worse lately), that might be a possible trigger. Being married with a bipolar I know the signs but this time it is really difficult to tell, there are some signs (not realizing consequences, trashing her live, living in the moment, promiscuous intentions...) but not all and everything could possibly be explained without the need of a manic episode. Probably I will only know later...if it is then there will be the crash - inevitably

In any case, I dont want to blame the situation on her "issue" this seems wrong and probably isnt justified.

this is connected with the previous question, if she is manic, then she probably doesnt care. I am afraid of her not to care much... On the other hand, it reflects my feelings (except that I still love her dearly) and it seems the only way out of limbo, as much as I would love to go out the other way. I cant stand it any much longer (I already lost ~7kg of weight and I was pretty athletic before i.e. not overweight at all, I cant perform at work).
What holds me back is that it is only 5 weeks from dday....

Frostflower

Attributing it to her bipolar may be wrong, but it may be right. Just something to keep in mind.

Just curious, did she go off meds with hr doctor's approval or on her own?

I understand that you love her and all of this hurts like hell, but you need to start taking care of yourself. Exercise, get together with friends, go to a movie, take up a hobby. You need to have at least some moments in the day when you aren't consumed with thoughts of her or you will go crazy. And then you won't be good for anyone. Build yourself up. Don't let her see you as a sad, defeated man. We like to think that seeing us like that will bring our spouses running back. But it won't. Sad and defeated is not appealing at all. Be strong.

stupidGuy

with the doctors approval (and given the long time of stability it seems this was a good decision)

It is so incredibly hard, I am astonished of the amount of pain and despair my brain-chemistry is able to unleash!
I perfectly know about not to show her the defeated man that I am but I dont know where to take the strength to pretend that I am doing fine, I am just unable to present myself as a confident man.
Thanks for your supporting words its about all that I can hold on for the moment...