I decided I needed a place to post some random thoughts and feelings so that I don't threadjack or derail other members' threads.
I'm currently 21 months post ILYBINILWY. D is not even filed yet, though I have retained a lawyer. STBXH has been openly involved with his last EA (and I'm not exactly sure when that turned from friend to EA) since Jan/Feb, if you count when he told me vs. when the pics of them arm in arm showed up on FB.
I'm just emotionally and physically tired beyond measure. I can't concentrate on anything. I push myself to do anything, even go to work, but many things I just postpone. Stupid easy things like refilling my meds or paying bills. My mood is flat. I don't cry. I can laugh sometimes (like Bandit's thread has been like being thrown a life-saver while I'm drowning, and a few other contacts with people, and especially my DS), but then when I get up from the computer, or when DS leaves...
I'm hoping it's my thyroid. I'm sleeping more, plus the poor concentration and depression can all be symptoms. Luckily, I have an appointment with my endo this month. Made it back in April for another issue.
Tomorrow, I have an appointment (that I almost forgot if it weren't for a good friend who knows my schedule better than I do) to see if I can buy out STBXH's share of the marital home. We'd agreed to put it on the market back in March. I wanted to start doing the work on the inside (which wasn't that much) before the holidays, because having lived with him so long, I knew the house wouldn't be ready. He 'held' me to not putting it on the market early and wouldn't do anything that might interfere with his holiday entertaining. Seriously. (He's living in the marital home. I'm living in a shabby rental 1/4 the size, plus I'm storing the inventory for my little online business here).
So it's now August. The house isn't done. And it isn't on the market. I'm so tired and I need this like a hole in the head, but I know that I can work on the house at night after work and it will eventually get done. I need things to move forward. I subordinated so much of my life to him and I just can't do it anymore. I think that's one reason I feel so bad.
I never wanted to split. I wanted to try counseling, read books, do whatever we could to salvage our relationship. He wanted out. And that's what 'won'.
He is on disability for depression and OCD, so he doesn't work. I am really torn about this. I've seen him have really difficult times. But I also know people with a whole lot more going on in their lives who can't get the help he's gotten because they are not well-dressed young college educated men who seem like a 'winning bet' for all kinds of programs that pay for everything. It's hard for me to respect him at all, especially since I've been out of the house and have had experience with (mainly) women who are so much worse off than he is, and yet they are knocking themselves out. They'll take any job they can, just so they can hold their heads up high. He only wants to do 'important' jobs that befit his education and 'class.'
I want to be done with him. I need to be done with him. I still care when I see him crying. I don't want to have to figure out if it's something truly bad or if he's just being dramatic, and dare I say it, weak. Not because he's depressed. I'm being treated for depression, too. But his character is weak. I can't be hardened with him and not have it overflow to my other relationships. So I need to be done.
I guess I have to decide if being done with him is worth the upheaval of moving back into a place that still triggers me, especially now that he's been playing house with posOW, and they've done their collective best to remove all traces of me as if I never existed there.
I have to tell myself, It's a building. It hasn't been 'home' for me since I moved out almost 13 months ago. I can deal with it. Think of it as a business transaction, like I'm just 'flipping' the house. The check for the purchase price at the end is my prize and I think I can stick it out. I will be sleeping in my bed, not 'our' bed. I will bring in the furniture I have here not using any of 'our' furniture. I can do this.
Packing and moving back, then moving again when the house sells feels like it's too much for me. But I have to remember that I'm lucky that I have what I do. I know women who live in tents. I can do this.
Oh Angel... I know how hard this is. I have been stuck in my marital home as stbxh left and I got stuck with contracts and bills. It isn't easy at first. But when you make it your own, and remove all traces of him, it does get much better. Having family and friends over provides new, happier memories.
I can relate to the disrespect thing. My ex didn't even have the education, or the mental illness, and still felt entitled. What a crock. You are such an amazing woman, one I would be lucky to count among my friends. I am so glad that you are about to take the steps necessary to surgically remove this man from your life.
The thing that helps me each and every day is expressing gratitude. Even when you don't believe it at first. You are blessed, and some silly house is not going to break your spirit. Houses and money can't be taken with us in the end...only the soul, the love we have given and the way we have treated people matters. Hold onto what you know to be true, and know that you can get through this. We'll all be there with you. Posted via Mobile Device
Dear Bookie Cookie, thanks for finally coming out of the closet.
I didn't realize your were 21 mos. down the road. wtf? saw his legs off and feed him to the fishes. "metaphorically". if need be.
good luck with the meeting tomorrow. the best part is you'll get closure about what you can and want to do about the asset. but it's just a structure. it's not your marriage and it's no longer your home.
what are you doing other than late night dancing to get out in the sun and get your girl on? mobility might do you some good to shake off that flat-line stuff you've been experiencing. you maybe need to talk about having those meds reviewed.
Thank you for checking in, Orpheus. Yeah, until tonight, I didn't realize it had been that long, either. It feels like it happened just a couple of months ago. No wonder he feels like he's moved on. He started when he made the speech, the 'working on it' phase when we still lived together was just to appease me for some reason. And here I thought there really was some inner struggle for him. Gah! must stop this.
As for mobility, I do walk in my neighborhood, and up into town when I can. I've wanted a bike forever. I have one that needs work, and we have a free place in town with parts and tools, but I have to get the hours together when they're open (inconveniently at the same time I work) to go down and fix mine. I'd love to ride along with my son. That's one of the things I love about my location now. But STBXH and pos OW are the ones riding with him. I have a friend who told me just before she left for vacation that she has a bike that someone gave her before they moved away. When she gets back, the bike is mine if I want it. I hope that works out. When I lived in MN I didn't have a car for a lot of years and I rode everywhere, in all kinds of weather. I was working out at our local women's health club because I had a two-month trial membership, but that expires in a week. Renewal is too pricey. I did enjoy that though. I liked doing the weight circuit. I'd go on my lunch hour when I got the chance. Earlier in the spring, I was doing contra twice a month and my strip tease fitness class at least twice a month. But contra's down to once a month in summer, and somehow strip tease fitness night is now my make-up night to try to finish things I should have done earlier in the week. I don't know if how I'm feeling is affecting how much I do, or if not doing these things is making me feel worse, or some of both.
And meds are definitely something I want to look at. I started a new A/D this spring and it was like a miracle drug. The fastest and best any one has ever worked for me. But I feel now like I'm not taking anything. So, maybe it needs to be upped or something. I have a call in to my psychiatrist to ask him.
hey angel-hugs- sorry you are feeling so blah.... why havent you filed yet? I agree get thoes meds checked. I wish i had something else to tell you right now but its the middle of the night and im not thinking straight. Posted via Mobile Device
Why is it there is always a 'winner' and a 'loser' during a separation/divorce ? And why is the winner always the wrongdoer and the loser more innocent ? Or so it seems
I'm not sure of your back story so don't know why YOU moved out of the family home especially when you care for your son most of the time.
Without looking at any other issues it seems to me you should reclaim your home one way or another - you have been working on it. I'm sure you could quickly erase their dodgy decor and presence as you have a strong personality of your own to make its mark again. If that means buying him out so be it but maybe you just need to shake it up anyways and move back in there with all your stuff regardless. If there is no divorce filed or other agreement and you own it jointly I don't see why you can't. Surely the posOW can't live there without your agreement ? Let them rehouse themselves. Make them squirm or at least give them an incentive to move things along. Save your rent money for your future.
He is cake-eating big time living in the home at no cost to himself. No wonder he has no urge to get it on the market
I know people say houses are just B&M but they usually do symbolise our lives with our partners and what we do with them can mark milestones in moving on.
I think you need to use yours to drive an agenda that will both improve your lifestyle and move things on for you
PS I am 100% with you on the inertia and the struggle to find motivations for simple things. I let my boys camp indoors last night (we're British, it rains) and just pitching a 2 man tent took me so much effort.
Angel just have faith. You are stronger and better than Chinless...you know this. He's garbage, lower than pond scum.
Buy that house back and put it on the market again immediately. Housing values can only go up from this point on. You may end up reaping a good amount of equity down the road.
I'm always thinking about you and hoping the best for you. We all are.
I am so glad that you started this thread. Man. This has been such a long journey for you! I did not realize it was really that long. Wow.
I so identify with those feelings of having no energy to do anything. ...no motivation. I often have to push myself to get things done. I got through phases with this. Phases of "lethargicness". For instance, I need to drop some paperwork off at my lawyer's office. It isn't a big deal, and it will only take me 10 minutes...but, I just don't do it. I haven't gotten my haircut in 5 months because I just don't want to pick up the phone and schedule the appointment. I make excuses and say that I will do it tomorrow.
But, on the days that I force myself to do these things--get this stuff done--it makes me feel better and sort of gives me more energy.
I am so sorry....but, you are probably right. Your medication level probably does need to be adjusted. ...and hopefully that will help get you back to a better place.
Angel...in the time that I have been on this board, I couldn't help but notice how much stronger you have become. Several month ago, it seemed like you were taking the lead from Chinless. You were just sort of floating and taking whatever nonesense he flung at you. I can see you are getting better at sticking up for yourself and fighting for what you are entitled. For instance, there is no reason he should be in that house. There is no reason you should be suffering in that small little rental home. I am so happy to hear that you are going to try to reclaim what should be yours.
Oh gosh....I can't tell you how special I think you are, Angel. You have given me so much inspiration....you are an amazing, amazing, amazing woman. I would like to jab Chinless in his chinless, chin. ....and knock some sense into him. ...tell him to suck it up and get a job... He is not entitled to this life that he is living. He is not entitled to live in your home.
It is your home, Angel. Not theirs. They are squatting in it right now. You can reclaim it. It will be hard, but, ultimately...I think it will bring you a lot satisfaction to kick those degenerates to the curb!
Thanks everybody. I really, really do appreciate it. Please send good vibes my way -- I've got my loan appointment in two hours. I'll let you know how it goes. [deep breath] I can do this.
Yes yes of course you can (says Yellow, slouching on the couch watching the Olympics )
I AM sorry if I'm speaking out of turn Angel, I just noticed from your count that you have a long history that I don't know -I'm sure there's good reason why you moved out of the house. But things do change and with the type of STBX you have, I suspect you will have to make any changes happen.
Is it completely out of court for you and your son to put him on notice you are moving back in and I mean without buying him out first ?
...with a few conditions, all doable. STBXH has to follow through with buying out the loan for our better car, thus reimbursing me the money from my mom's inheritance that was used as the down-payment, and we have to have our agreement for DS' support in writing, and (the toughest) figuring out who pays closing costs.
I got the loan for the outstanding amount of the mortgage and $20K to pay him off. I'm willing to pay the $6500 closing costs in return for a.) him not getting another penny when I sell the house and b.) not getting any of my retirement.
He, in turn, needs to find a place to live in DS' school district. Hey, wait -- I know of a shabby little 2BR house that will be opening up!! DS won't even have to pack and move, lol.
In order to keep the place looking nice while it's on the market, I'll have to incur a short-term expense of storage for my shop inventory. Also doable.
...with a few conditions, all doable. STBXH has to follow through with buying out the loan for our better car, thus reimbursing me the money from my mom's inheritance that was used as the down-payment, and we have to have our agreement for DS' support in writing, and (the toughest) figuring out who pays closing costs.
I got the loan for the outstanding amount of the mortgage and $20K to pay him off. I'm willing to pay the $6500 closing costs in return for a.) him not getting another penny when I sell the house and b.) not getting any of my retirement.
He, in turn, needs to find a place to live in DS' school district. Hey, wait -- I know of a shabby little 2BR house that will be opening up!! DS won't even have to pack and move, lol.
In order to keep the place looking nice while it's on the market, I'll have to incur a short-term expense of storage for my shop inventory. Also doable.
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Angel's Journal/blog 
For instance, I need to drop some paperwork off at my lawyer's office. It isn't a big deal, and it will only take me 10 minutes...but, I just don't do it. I haven't gotten my haircut in 5 months because I just don't want to pick up the phone and schedule the appointment. I make excuses and say that I will do it tomorrow.
....and knock some sense into him. 
I got approved!!!
