Left With 4.5

I'm a new member here, but i've been hanging out for a couple of months, reading everyone's threads and replies. I started out reading in the 'Infidelity' section, then the 'Thinking about Divorce' section and finally found my place in the 'Going thru a Divorce' section.

Here my very short version of my story: I've been married for 20 years. 4 children ages: 17 to 3. I found out about 3 months ago that he was having a PA with his high school sweetheart for about 8 months. She is married and I had contacted the husband, who's not doing anything about it. I kicked my STBXH out about 2 months ago and after sleeping on couches, he found his own place two weeks ago. I have no idea where, other than it's a city about 10 minutes away. Sad part about him living so close is that he only comes and visit/plays with the younger two for a couple of hours on most of his days off. I don't know what he does on his other days off. I feel he could visit them more often. I'm not sure if she has moved in with him yet. Maybe that would explain why he doesn't come around more often? So 3 months after D-Day, I served him papers.

I have to say that lurking in this forum has helped me do all of this. If I never found this place, I think I would still be where I was 3 months ago...crying and begging him to give me a chance. So thank you everybody!

I have to admit that I am very scared. I know I have to stay strong and focus on myself and the kids. I think I am doing pretty well on that part. But I have my days. Part of me want him to snap out of this, admit that he screwed up, and come back. But what if he did? Do I really want him back? Yes, this is what i'm going through now. Filing and serving the papers to him had made it official and a reality. I'm afraid i'm having second doubts.

Left With 4.5

One important thing I left out. He left me and the kids with my mother in law. We live in her house. She's the .5 on my screen name.

the guy

Stay the course, it will always be his choice to R and show the actions needed to withdraw the D.
Sure you could make the choice and go back,but his behavior will continue can you live with that?

I suggest you go over the painful evidence to remind you of his betrayal..or..something that will remind you that you diserve good things.

So you weakening your tough love approach will only bring a false R. Is getting him back worth sharing him?

Continue with the divorce and expose it to anyone that will listen.

Its only been a few month so keep up the consequences and make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.

Now that the affair is out in the open and the OW H is tolorating it, its only a matter of time when your STBXH gets tired of sharing his mistress. Now that is now longer hidden and is out in the open it will start to get stressed.

Until the OW is out of the picture stay the course.

Left With 4.5

Thank you for the reassurance. I was ashamed at first about telling anyone about his affair. I blamed myself and he had no problem making me feel like it was my fault. The days leading to me filing the divorce papers, I started telling people. I was surprised how some of them had contacted him saying what an idiot he is! I will continue telling my side of the story to anyone who will listen.

You're right, I filed because I realized I didn't want to be treated like this anymore. I have to stay strong and not back down or he will continue to do what he's doing.

the guy

Remember, when exposing tell other that know the both of you that "you want there support for the marriage but until WH has NC with OW you will stay the course with D".

This tactic will do some damage control and make him look like the bad guy and stress the affair even more. Its a statment thats say you want to work on the marriage only if the OW is out out of the picture and stops effecting the dynamics of the marriage.

Get it?

the guy

I would even suggest confronting OW H and making the same stement with regards to supporting your marriage and asking for more envolvment from him.

When was the last time you and OW H talked?

Left With 4.5

Wow, Yes, I get it! I never thought of saying it like that.

Left With 4.5

The OW H and I keep in touch about once every other week to touch base. He says his marriage is over and is moving on. He doesn't feel that exposing her affair to her friends and family will help. I told him that it would help me. But he seems either too intimidated or had given up. He's waiting on her to file divorce paper...if she even will do it. He thinks she's too 'chicken' to do it.