Detaching from Narcissistic husband. - Page 2
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Going Through Divorce or Separation » Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

Like Tree44Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-07-2012, 04:57 PM   #16 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
angelpixie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: State of Unwedded Bliss
Posts: 7,781
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Numb in Ohio View Post
So I texted H and told him the date of our appt. with attorney.. he responded with "so you went through with it"?

told him it was for the best...

He has the nerve to ask me, " before all this is said and done, can we make love one last time"?? UH NO!!! Haven't heard back from him since...


Wow, just...wow.
__________________
I'm undecided on which pants to wear today -- smarty, fancy or sassy?
angelpixie is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-07-2012, 05:09 PM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
Numb in Ohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 852
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Exactly what I was thinking when he asked me...

And the counselor says he's not a sex addict..
Numb in Ohio is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2012, 05:18 PM   #18 (permalink)
Member
 
vi_bride04's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Mich
Posts: 3,561
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

WOW. Eerily similar.

STBXH cannot believe I am leaving him - there has to be someone else. HAS TO BE. Forget that he started an EA and the boundaries and rules were broken(rules due to prior EA/PAs) of our marriage. No. Thats not it. Its b/c I found someone else and am moving on. He has accused countless co-workers, past co-workers, people I might meet at work...oh wait...his EAs & PA were with co-workers. Go figure that one.

Oh and when he came into my house TRESPASSING when I wasn't home, went through my tablet and who knows what else....he wanted to have sex one last time. When I turned him down he wanted to be NSA f-friends. UGH.

What is it with guys like this.......
vi_bride04 is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2012, 05:24 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
Readytogo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 293
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

I read your note and discribes pretty much what I'm going through. I haven't filed yet - but I'm affraid of my H. 25 years this month. Not sure how I'm going to deal with our anniversary this year. He has no clue I'm filing.
I'll have to leave before I file my D. I cant and wont be near him. He'll also accuse me of having another man. UGH. I'm sorry this is hard on you!
Hang in there.
Readytogo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2012, 05:26 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 
Numb in Ohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 852
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by vi_bride04 View Post
WOW. Eerily similar.

STBXH cannot believe I am leaving him - there has to be someone else. HAS TO BE. Forget that he started an EA and the boundaries and rules were broken(rules due to prior EA/PAs) of our marriage. No. Thats not it. Its b/c I found someone else and am moving on. He has accused countless co-workers, past co-workers, people I might meet at work...oh wait...his EAs & PA were with co-workers. Go figure that one.

Oh and when he came into my house TRESPASSING when I wasn't home, went through my tablet and who knows what else....he wanted to have sex one last time. When I turned him down he wanted to be NSA f-friends. UGH.

What is it with guys like this.......
Yes similar,, I have my hs reunion this year.. and he made a comment that hopefully we can get it over by then.. when I asked why, he said that I had commented about not looking for someone while I was married... ( twisted my words)... I had told him that the last thing on my mind is finding someone else,, for one , I am married,, and 2 I am not emotionally healthy enough to start a relationship..

I have to find myself again before I would look to be with someone else..

Just because I'm going to my hs reunion,, does not mean an orgy>>> DUH!!. I don't have "connections" with my school mates as he did..
Numb in Ohio is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2012, 05:31 PM   #21 (permalink)
Member
 
Readytogo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 293
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Numb in Ohio View Post
Yes similar,, I have my hs reunion this year.. and he made a comment that hopefully we can get it over by then.. when I asked why, he said that I had commented about not looking for someone while I was married... ( twisted my words)... I had told him that the last thing on my mind is finding someone else,, for one , I am married,, and 2 I am not emotionally healthy enough to start a relationship..

I have to find myself again before I would look to be with someone else..

Just because I'm going to my hs reunion,, does not mean an orgy>>> DUH!!. I don't have "connections" with my school mates as he did..


GO to the reunion! Meet up with old friends and have a good time. He's trying to cut you down. Don't listen. Follow your heart and do something for YOU.
Readytogo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2012, 05:33 PM   #22 (permalink)
Member
 
Numb in Ohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 852
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytogo View Post
GO to the reunion! Meet up with old friends and have a good time. He's trying to cut you down. Don't listen. Follow your heart and do something for YOU.
Oh, I'm going, by myself.. that is a big step for me in itself.

I've already paid for my single ticket..
Numb in Ohio is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2012, 10:22 PM   #23 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 19,455
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by vi_bride04 View Post
WOW. Eerily similar.

STBXH cannot believe I am leaving him - there has to be someone else. HAS TO BE. Forget that he started an EA and the boundaries and rules were broken(rules due to prior EA/PAs) of our marriage. No. Thats not it. Its b/c I found someone else and am moving on. He has accused countless co-workers, past co-workers, people I might meet at work...oh wait...his EAs & PA were with co-workers. Go figure that one.

Oh and when he came into my house TRESPASSING when I wasn't home, went through my tablet and who knows what else....he wanted to have sex one last time. When I turned him down he wanted to be NSA f-friends. UGH.

What is it with guys like this.......
Neediness attracts neediness.

You are no longer needy.

They still are.
Conrad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2012, 10:25 PM   #24 (permalink)
Member
 
Numb in Ohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 852
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytogo View Post
I read your note and discribes pretty much what I'm going through. I haven't filed yet - but I'm affraid of my H. 25 years this month. Not sure how I'm going to deal with our anniversary this year. He has no clue I'm filing.
I'll have to leave before I file my D. I cant and wont be near him. He'll also accuse me of having another man. UGH. I'm sorry this is hard on you!
Hang in there.
Are you scared of him getting physical with you? If so, yes be gone and have him served. Take out a restraining order beforehand if you feel you need to.

Yes, mine is already accusing me of another man...
Numb in Ohio is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-08-2012, 01:23 PM   #25 (permalink)
Member
 
Readytogo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 293
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Numb in Ohio View Post
Are you scared of him getting physical with you? If so, yes be gone and have him served. Take out a restraining order beforehand if you feel you need to.

Yes, mine is already accusing me of another man...

Yes, because he has in the past. he says he's changed. But I dont buy it. When he accused me in the past (and I never had any affairs) he would stalk me at work, it also got physical. I was embarrassed and ashamed. He threatened to hurt me if I ever took the kids away from him and humiliated him. So, if he sees me gaining my confidence, he gets suspicious and automatically assumes it's another man. He reminded me a few months ago, "remember what I said about humiliating me".

Through that process a few years ago, I learned that HE was actually having the affair. So, I waited till the kids were over 18,so I wouldnt have to share custody and see him. But the leaving part and the whole process is scary. In my mind I'm ready - but I'm not moving fast enough. It's like I'm moving in quicksand.

You hang in there. You have friends here that understand!
Didnt mean to hi-jack your thread.
Readytogo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-08-2012, 01:32 PM   #26 (permalink)
Member
 
Numb in Ohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 852
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytogo View Post
Yes, because he has in the past. he says he's changed. But I dont buy it. When he accused me in the past (and I never had any affairs) he would stalk me at work, it also got physical. I was embarrassed and ashamed. He threatened to hurt me if I ever took the kids away from him and humiliated him. So, if he sees me gaining my confidence, he gets suspicious and automatically assumes it's another man. He reminded me a few months ago, "remember what I said about humiliating me".

Through that process a few years ago, I learned that HE was actually having the affair. So, I waited till the kids were over 18,so I wouldnt have to share custody and see him. But the leaving part and the whole process is scary. In my mind I'm ready - but I'm not moving fast enough. It's like I'm moving in quicksand.

You hang in there. You have friends here that understand!
Didnt mean to hi-jack your thread.
You're not hijacking.. it's just the thought process for anyone having to deal with issues. I do hope you get to where makes you happy soon.. Everyone deserves to be safe and happy.

It is a wonderful support group here. Sometimes you may not like it, but they tell you by their experience what choices would be best.

Keep us posted on your journey..
Numb in Ohio is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-05-2012, 02:47 PM   #27 (permalink)
Member
 
EnjoliWoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,331
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

I was with one for 10 years but I didn't know what the name of his disorder was at first. I thought he was bi-polar. I thought about leaving so much and was terrified and he'd told me it was amazing I could even hold down a job I was so stupid... I was called an idiot, stupid, life support for a P***y - I was shoved, punched, spit on. I was made to feel unable to do anything on my own. Finally I told someone. My sister-in-law (his brother's wife) who asked if he'd ever hit me. The floodgates opened. I told friends (but not parents) and consulted an attorney. It STILL took me 3 years to leave and I was sick-scared. It was AMAZING how wonderfully peaceful my new home was - my little rental house. How I wasn't afraid to go home wondering what mood he was in today. I quickly blossomed (and got IC).

You will, too.
EnjoliWoman is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-05-2012, 03:33 PM   #28 (permalink)
Member
 
EnjoliWoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,331
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by vi_bride04 View Post
WOW. Eerily similar.

STBXH cannot believe I am leaving him - there has to be someone else. HAS TO BE. Forget that he started an EA and the boundaries and rules were broken(rules due to prior EA/PAs) of our marriage. No. Thats not it. Its b/c I found someone else and am moving on. He has accused countless co-workers, past co-workers, people I might meet at work...oh wait...his EAs & PA were with co-workers. Go figure that one.

Oh and when he came into my house TRESPASSING when I wasn't home, went through my tablet and who knows what else....he wanted to have sex one last time. When I turned him down he wanted to be NSA f-friends. UGH.

What is it with guys like this.......
Haha - mine, too. Neither of us cheated but he was sure that's why I left. I don't know if he thought I couldn't/wouldn't leave without the crutch of another man or what...
EnjoliWoman is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2012, 02:12 AM   #29 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 18
Default Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Dear detaching,
I just read your post, my heart goes out to you. since being on this forum i have been blown away by the number of women who all have stories like mine, and yours, sad, but true, we are not alone. so even though i'm just a few steps ahead of you, i can tell you my story so far, even though i'm still looking for people who are like 1000 steps ahead of me-so I can know how They did it!
Anyway, I just filed divorce papers on Aug. 15th, we had the hearing, and it is supposed to be finalized on Oct. 15th. Iknow I have ALOT of stuff to go through that's ahead of me, that's why i've come to love this board so much, -but one thing I CAN tell you: when I was at the stage you are at now, trying to detach, contemplating the divorce but hadn't done anything yet, ... IT WAS THE ABSOLUTE SCARIEST MOST ANGUISHED MOST TERRIFYING YEAR I have ever been through. That is the absolute truth. I do not know why it i this way for women like us (who are trying to finally break free from narcicisstic husbands after long marriages), -but for some reason, the THOUGHT of doing it, the ANGUISH of going back and forth in your mind constantly, etc., -is just unspeakably horrible. I've -been married to a definite Narcissist(never knew what that was before, but reading up on it for about a year, he fits every single description-) for 28 long years. put up with it mostly i think for our 3 kids, also we had a child with a disability and that took up 90% of my physical, emotional, strength), but when we finally became empty nest i just could not handle it anymore. and i do hate divorce, i still do, i would not have chosen this, i'm sorry if i offend anyone here but i am a Christian and I waited until I had crystal clear, 'Biblical grounds' (found out about his cheating and lying,) and Still after that, tried for forgiveness and reconciliation, then finally it was him who came to me and said 'i'm leaving you, i'm in love with a 25yr old I met, i'm divorcing you to marry her.' now i had every single'grounds' you could possibly have. but get this, I STILL waited a Whole Year to Actually go and geta lawyer and file divorce papers. Why did it take me that long, i don't know. but i do know, it was an anguishing year. And I can tell you this: Once I walked out of the lawyers office, and Once we had the hearing and it was Official, - ....I have felt so much relief and even some happiness,it is incredible. I don't know what it is but i think there is something inherent in a long term marriage to a Narcissistic husband, that makes you 'absolutely, completely, terrified to death, of leaving and getting a divorce. even though your brain knows all the logical reasons, your friends and family are telling you it's WAY past time, etc., ...still the thought of it just scares you to death. i thought, ]oh my gosh, if just Deciding to leave him is THIS hard, being a divorced woman is going to be IMPOSSIBLE!' but it's the time leading up to the actual DIVORCE that is the worst. I'm not saying i'm bopping around happy as a clam, -i am going through some normal grieving, i mean i've been with this person since I was 15, i have talked to this person every single day for 31 years, that is a looooong time. I hope not but it will probably take me a looooong time to 'de-tox' myself from him, just out of habit. first there is the sadness,just realizing, 'wow, i'm divorced. i never wanted this.' then there are the triggers- some song in the grocery store, 'our song', burst into tears, ...see somebody on the street who looks like him...burst into tears, ...see a happy young family, mom dad & kids, at the park laughing thinking, 'that's what i wanted, and the reality is i never got it.' burst into tears. 'I'm ashamed to admit this but in the past week I've even come close to Calling him, ...just because i was lonely and needed a human to talk to. BIG MISTAKE. narcisissts i think over time make us so isolated and out of touch with reality, when we finally break free the first shock is 'i'm alone' and it's scary. but then you have to realize you have friends, family, church people, whatever, ...not being married DOES NOT mean you are ALONE!! there are tons of people in the world you can have deep, meaningful, healthy relationships with, you just haven't found them yet.
anway... i just wanted to encourage you, i think the time period Before you Actually File, and then Once you do get a lawyer and start the process, -that time is the scariest time. I have been so much more at peace and have so much relief now, and it's only been two weeks. even though i know i have alot of hard things to face that are ahead of me, i am 1,000% sure I did the right thing. even though my emotions could not see it at the time. I am not encouraging you to get a divorce, please don't think that, everyone is different but for me, even though i had all the 'grounds' and everyone was telling me 'why haven't you done anything yet?' -I am so glad I took my own time and waited, and waited, until I had a completely clear conscience, so that I knew I would Never have to go back and forth saying 'should i have done that? what if....' etc. I feel like a huge, horrible 28year weight has been lifted off of me, and i can finally start to realize who i really am, because i know that over time he turned me into someone that was not really me. if that makes sense.
anyway, i hope this helps. God bless.
After28Years is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2012, 03:02 AM   #30 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 237
Unhappy Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.

Let me share my experience leaving a NPD husband. I left like a theif in the night and moved in with my gf 5 hours away. I couldn't find a job...was out of work for 4 months and ran out of money...was ready to stand on the side of the road with a sign.."need gas money to continue job hunting". My mother saved me from this. I wound up moving back close to my husband to get a job....got laid off 5 months later...went through HELL trying to support my kids in this economy. Went back to my husband.

My advice is make sure you have a job and lots of support. I moved far away but to a place where the job market was really bad.
dixieangel is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Detaching. Seems my best approach right now. credamdóchasgra General Relationship Discussion 66 04-28-2011 02:39 PM
How can I be more successful in detaching? 52flower Coping with Infidelity 3 03-11-2011 12:16 AM
Detaching--Need More Suggestions MarriedWifeInLove General Relationship Discussion 23 01-31-2011 01:24 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:03 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.