Re: Detaching from Narcissistic husband.
I just read your post, my heart goes out to you. since being on this forum i have been blown away by the number of women who all have stories like mine, and yours, sad, but true, we are not alone. so even though i'm just a few steps ahead of you, i can tell you my story so far, even though i'm still looking for people who are like 1000 steps ahead of me-so I can know how They did it!
Anyway, I just filed divorce papers on Aug. 15th, we had the hearing, and it is supposed to be finalized on Oct. 15th. Iknow I have ALOT of stuff to go through that's ahead of me, that's why i've come to love this board so much, -but one thing I CAN tell you: when I was at the stage you are at now, trying to detach, contemplating the divorce but hadn't done anything yet, ... IT WAS THE ABSOLUTE SCARIEST MOST ANGUISHED MOST TERRIFYING YEAR I have ever been through. That is the absolute truth. I do not know why it i this way for women like us (who are trying to finally break free from narcicisstic husbands after long marriages), -but for some reason, the THOUGHT of doing it, the ANGUISH of going back and forth in your mind constantly, etc., -is just unspeakably horrible. I've -been married to a definite Narcissist(never knew what that was before, but reading up on it for about a year, he fits every single description-) for 28 long years. put up with it mostly i think for our 3 kids, also we had a child with a disability and that took up 90% of my physical, emotional, strength), but when we finally became empty nest i just could not handle it anymore. and i do hate divorce, i still do, i would not have chosen this, i'm sorry if i offend anyone here but i am a Christian and I waited until I had crystal clear, 'Biblical grounds' (found out about his cheating and lying,) and Still after that, tried for forgiveness and reconciliation, then finally it was him who came to me and said 'i'm leaving you, i'm in love with a 25yr old I met, i'm divorcing you to marry her.' now i had every single'grounds' you could possibly have. but get this, I STILL waited a Whole Year to Actually go and geta lawyer and file divorce papers. Why did it take me that long, i don't know. but i do know, it was an anguishing year. And I can tell you this: Once I walked out of the lawyers office, and Once we had the hearing and it was Official, - ....I have felt so much relief and even some happiness,it is incredible. I don't know what it is but i think there is something inherent in a long term marriage to a Narcissistic husband, that makes you 'absolutely, completely, terrified to death, of leaving and getting a divorce. even though your brain knows all the logical reasons, your friends and family are telling you it's WAY past time, etc., ...still the thought of it just scares you to death. i thought, ]oh my gosh, if just Deciding to leave him is THIS hard, being a divorced woman is going to be IMPOSSIBLE!' but it's the time leading up to the actual DIVORCE that is the worst. I'm not saying i'm bopping around happy as a clam, -i am going through some normal grieving, i mean i've been with this person since I was 15, i have talked to this person every single day for 31 years, that is a looooong time. I hope not but it will probably take me a looooong time to 'de-tox' myself from him, just out of habit. first there is the sadness,just realizing, 'wow, i'm divorced. i never wanted this.' then there are the triggers- some song in the grocery store, 'our song', burst into tears, ...see somebody on the street who looks like him...burst into tears, ...see a happy young family, mom dad & kids, at the park laughing thinking, 'that's what i wanted, and the reality is i never got it.' burst into tears. 'I'm ashamed to admit this but in the past week I've even come close to Calling him, ...just because i was lonely and needed a human to talk to. BIG MISTAKE. narcisissts i think over time make us so isolated and out of touch with reality, when we finally break free the first shock is 'i'm alone' and it's scary. but then you have to realize you have friends, family, church people, whatever, ...not being married DOES NOT mean you are ALONE!! there are tons of people in the world you can have deep, meaningful, healthy relationships with, you just haven't found them yet.
anway... i just wanted to encourage you, i think the time period Before you Actually File, and then Once you do get a lawyer and start the process, -that time is the scariest time. I have been so much more at peace and have so much relief now, and it's only been two weeks. even though i know i have alot of hard things to face that are ahead of me, i am 1,000% sure I did the right thing. even though my emotions could not see it at the time. I am not encouraging you to get a divorce, please don't think that, everyone is different but for me, even though i had all the 'grounds' and everyone was telling me 'why haven't you done anything yet?' -I am so glad I took my own time and waited, and waited, until I had a completely clear conscience, so that I knew I would Never have to go back and forth saying 'should i have done that? what if....' etc. I feel like a huge, horrible 28year weight has been lifted off of me, and i can finally start to realize who i really am, because i know that over time he turned me into someone that was not really me. if that makes sense.
anyway, i hope this helps. God bless.