I am emotional tonight so thought I would write out my feelings and thoughts.
I was so not myself today, that I even made a post on here earlier that after I went back and read,, I could not believe my head let me type it out... it's deleted now,, but talk about feeling stupid and ashamed that I would think that low. ( thanks iheartlife for the reality check)...
I am working on detaching from my H... have not told him that I want a D yet. I know this sounds easy for ones that have done this already, but I am having a hard time with it. Not that I am doubting my decision,, it's just getting the guts to do it.
I have been under his control for 10 years, and being Co-dependent it makes it hard to break away.
Dealing with emotional abuse for the most part around 5 years that I can remember anyway.. he has succeeded in shredding my self confidence and esteem.. and my ability to know how "I" really feel, instead of how he wanted me to feel.
Why do I feel like I am about to have an anxiety attack when I play in my head the thought of me standing in front of him with those 4 words?
I have read articles and books and stories of the benefits of breaking free from a Narcissist,,, but it's harder than I could of ever imagined. And the saddest part is,, I still feel bad about hurting his feelings. After all he has put me through, why am I so weak and worried about him? When I know I should only be worrying about me?
I was talking to a friend earlier that doubted my ability to go through with it. Did not know why I would still want to talk and have him answer questions about things I found from past computer use during his EA's. I told them that it would help with my closure, to know "some" truth. To know I was right about it being more than "just friends". Should this be important to me? I just feel like I want the confirmation.
With his abuse, infidelity, and him making me out to be a fool, I want to call him out. Is this possible with a narcissist? They say when confronted with evidence, they will confess at least some.
I just want there to be some fact, so that I myself know that I did not just give up without reason.
I know I need to get back to IC,, I am not dealing with this very well on my own.
I was so not myself today, that I even made a post on here earlier that after I went back and read,, I could not believe my head let me type it out... it's deleted now,, but talk about feeling stupid and ashamed that I would think that low. ( thanks iheartlife for the reality check)...
I am working on detaching from my H... have not told him that I want a D yet. I know this sounds easy for ones that have done this already, but I am having a hard time with it. Not that I am doubting my decision,, it's just getting the guts to do it.
I have been under his control for 10 years, and being Co-dependent it makes it hard to break away.
Dealing with emotional abuse for the most part around 5 years that I can remember anyway.. he has succeeded in shredding my self confidence and esteem.. and my ability to know how "I" really feel, instead of how he wanted me to feel.
Why do I feel like I am about to have an anxiety attack when I play in my head the thought of me standing in front of him with those 4 words?
I have read articles and books and stories of the benefits of breaking free from a Narcissist,,, but it's harder than I could of ever imagined. And the saddest part is,, I still feel bad about hurting his feelings. After all he has put me through, why am I so weak and worried about him? When I know I should only be worrying about me?
I was talking to a friend earlier that doubted my ability to go through with it. Did not know why I would still want to talk and have him answer questions about things I found from past computer use during his EA's. I told them that it would help with my closure, to know "some" truth. To know I was right about it being more than "just friends". Should this be important to me? I just feel like I want the confirmation.
With his abuse, infidelity, and him making me out to be a fool, I want to call him out. Is this possible with a narcissist? They say when confronted with evidence, they will confess at least some.
I just want there to be some fact, so that I myself know that I did not just give up without reason.
I know I need to get back to IC,, I am not dealing with this very well on my own.