08-06-2012, 09:04 AM
Join Date: Aug 2012
| | I just keep hurting myself over and over and over again
I found this group today and I hope someone can help me figure out why I keep on hurting myself over and over again. Let me tell you my story.
I am 22. I have been married for almost 2 years. 6 months ago I received divorce papers in the mail. I had cheated on my spouse via 2 pictures sent to a man. I had previously found pics and texts and emails and even a craigslist account my husband had used months before this. I know it wasn't right and I admitted to the pics and told him I did it bc he works so much (over 100 hours of overtime, never see him) and I never see him. We were on the rocks before this tho with fighting and the fact that our daughter will be 2 this August was stressful too.
He said he wanted the divorce. I screamed and cried and pleaded and begged. Basically EVERYTHING you are not supposed to do. He would ignore me, sleep on the couch, try to have sex with me still but then tell me it meant nothing. I finally convinced him to take me on a bike ride and we had a lot of fun that night we talked about us and he told me we could try to work things out but it was no promise. I accepted it as anything I could have from him meant to me a chance of reconciliation.
We started sleeping in the same bed and he began being nicer than he was. Then I got the papers in the mail still and I lost my mind. Crying and crying. It hurt so bad to see it.
He moved out after taking EVERYTHING in our house. Bed, clothes, crib, toilet paper, even the welcome mat the day before the custody hearing. As you can imagine the judge was not pleased. He tried to steamroll my character. It didn't work. I got primary custody, would have been all but I want to work still. My child support was huge too. His plans on ruining my character, emptying our house and taking our daughter proved to backfire. In fact they COMPLETELY went in my favor.
Heres one of the big problems. I remember all the crazy, crappy things he's done to me over 2 years. Yet I still want our family back together. I want to fix this. I still love him so much.
And it also doesn't help that I have to see him EVERY SINGLE WEEK. As the child drop off is Sunday and when we meet it breaks my heart. And now he started seeing this girl who he brings with him to the exchanges. I CANNOT HANDLE THIS. We've never said anything to each other but just seeing her makes me want to throw up from anxiety. Ive tried to get him not to bring her but he laughs in my face. He now uses it as power. If he wants something he wont bring her then BAM there she is again. I cant change seeing him for an exchange bc I don't want to lose primary custody and there is nothing illegal or against the order not to bring someone else. This is one of my biggest obstacles. If not the biggest. It's one thing to know your husband is dating someone else but to have it thrown in your face EVERY week.....damn. Its like my scab keeps getting torn off.
I'm dating a man. I NEVER bring him to any exchanges.
So he lives with his mom now and he has started to date this girl. They go out all the time and do all the things he would never do with me. Yet he still texts me. Calls me. One time I had him over and we had sex. He uses me. Will call me then won't.
We go on and off, nice then mean, wanting to work things out then not. I'm miserable. It's making me physically ill constantly.
I see that he's crappy I JUST CANT STOP.
I want our family back. I want him back.
So the last week he was nice to me. Hasn't brought the girl to the exchanges last 3 times. We joke at the exchanges. We text on and off and we even started calling each other again, each time with me begging for him back, telling him that I changed. He tells me to show him. But I don't know how bc he has a new girl and I never see him.
So last night I call him. Text him. No answer. I call again finally he answers. He is watching a movie with her. And of course his personality and how he treats me changes when he's alone and when he's with her. He proceeds to tell me I had my chance and that she is now officially his gf. Hangs up on me and turns his phone off.
I cant help it. I blow up his phone to no answer. I cry myself to sleep. And now here I sit. I did it to myself again. Every other week it seems I do this.
If only I didn't have to see him every week....during the week my depression clears up a bit. I still think of him constantly but I'm out in the world with friends and work keeps me busy. But then theres Sunday, looming overhead. Will he bring her or not?
Help me...please. I feel so stupid, so weak, so powerless.