Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: St. Louis
| | Letter for my STBXW
So, in this continuing saga between myself and my soon to be ex-wife, I was given advice in another topic to let out my emotions and post the letter here, rather than deliver it to my wife for multiple reasons, notwithstanding the ridiculous protective order she slapped on me. I've taken names out for privacy reasons. I'm still very furious, but I don't feel like I'm about to blow up like I was a week ago. Still...I don't know what to do. Well, other than fight a war of attrition. I'm in a lose-lose situation in any case, so this was the only way I knew how to vent. I still want to give this letter to her, to let her know just how much pain she put me through:
There is a very good chance that if you are seeing this letter right now, something probably happened to me. No, I did not seek to harm myself Ė but bad things tend to happen when nothing good is going for me, so I got myself prepared in this event. I loved you once. I really did.
But now I hate you. And I donít mean in the way that, Iím so angry at you that I say I hate you just to make myself feel better. I mean, I truly hate you in a large sense of the word. As in, if I never in my life have to see you again, I would be content. I put up with so much, did quite a bit for the sake of our marriage, never realizing that all I was doing was fulfilling your selfish desires. Letís tell the truth here Ė this entire year, youíve been playing me like a fiddle. You asked me to do something, and I would do it. And you probably feel damn proud of yourself, that you had me so wrapped around your finger that you could make me do anything, and when you were done with your little plaything, you could dispose of me and not have even the slightest little care in the world. I thought you cared about me, but apparently this entire year, youíve been manipulating me, making certain things happen so you could get what you wanted.
Iíve been told that I should forgive and forget. But I will never forgive what you did to me. Regardless of the fact that I did indeed cheat on you, you took things too far. And one day, you will answer for all that you did. Maybe you careÖor maybe you just donít give a ****. Which says what kind of person youíll be. I donít know who you are. Maybe this was who you were the entire time, a manipulative little ***** who was biding her time, waiting for the right moment to get two children from me, and then kick me to the side. Or maybe this is the person you became because you allowed the past to consume you. Either way, you quit on this marriage. Was it really that hard to comprehend that maybe, just maybe, I didnít love you anymore? That I could easily put you out of my heart, yet still love my children and only them? Or that the main motivation for the kids was so they could have a family? You keep telling yourself that you gave everything you had for this marriage Ė no, you did not. You never gave our marriage the chance it deserved after the spring. Not once did you entertain the idea of marital counseling. Sure, you talked about it Ė but you never committed to the idea of going. And if you did, you would not have done what you did. You straddled the fence and toyed with me.
You wonder why I had that relationship with A? It wasnít because we agreed on a separation and I wanted to have sex with the first thing that showed an interest in me. It was because A showed me care that you hadnít ever showed me ever since the first suicide attempt. I could actually let my guard down because I didnít have to worry about her putting my words on a document and exaggerating them to the cops or whomever. I could open my heart and it wouldnít be used against me. Because everything I have told you, you are using against me.
Yes, I did cheat on you during our marriage, before all this garbage between us happened. It was a mistake, but I have atoned for those mistakes. I am sorry that I did it. But donít sit there and blame the entirety of our failing marriage because of that sole fact, or that the divorce was completely my fault. Last I checked, while I was struggling to deal with the fact that I didnít not have a home to return to, you and J were trading kisses. I remember our conversation and I remember the odd request for me to kiss you for Ďchemistryí. Remember you admitted that to me? That you did it some time between December and January? I still have those emails. I cheated on you in 2010 and I have not gone back to that part of my life ever since.
But you just had to get your comeuppance, didnít you? Had to do something about the loneliness in your heart, huh? You told me it didnít feel right, that it made you feel guilty when you kissed J. Well guess what? I donít think your guilt compared to how I felt ever since I slept with B. I felt that every single day I looked at you and our daughter. I overcompensated with our daughter with the affection because I knew what I did. You ever wonder why I was withdrawn towards the end of your pregnancy? I made a mistake, yet I couldnít tell you. I couldnít fix it. Yes, I wanted to kill myself. But you donít see that. You only see me and B and some foolish notion that I never felt any guilt about it. That I never told you how guilty I felt. You never saw that I tried to make amends. It didnít matter. Maybe you were right in how you felt. But it still didnít make it right to have another man sleeping in your bed. Were you really that naÔve to think that if you invited him in your bed, he wouldnít try to get in your pants?
I do wonder, though, before that all had even happened, where the hell did my wife go while I was in the psych ward those three times? Did she check out of the marriage? Why was she too busy trying to separate our accounts and prepare to put me out of the house rather than showing me a little bit of support. Her parents came to visit meÖON OUR DAUGHTERíS FIRST BIRTHDAY! They showed me that they cared more about my health than you did while I was dealing with my depression. You wonder why I relapsed. Hereís why: during the times when I needed you the most, you were absent. You were a terrible wife. You really were. As soon as I started with the psych ward visits, you had taken steps to get rid of me. The going got bad, and you ran. You gave up. How else to explain the fact that instead of checking on me, you served me with an ex parte while I was still in the psych ward. You never seemed to care about me. Those long nights when I would cry and pray to God that you would show that you still cared Ė then reality struck and USAA would call me telling me that you took yourself off our shared insurance. You couldnít have waited until after I was out of the ward and we talked. You couldnít have put forth the effort to show that you still cared about me. No, you took steps to ensure that I couldnít be part of this family. Call it protecting the children, but maybe, just maybe, a lot of things wouldnít have happened after our move to (new home) if you had just slowed down and showed me that you still cared. Maybe if you hadnít been so damn preoccupied with the notion that I was turning into one of those murderers on television, we wouldíve been able to do something different. But no, you let TV brainwash you into thinking that I was going to harm you and the kids. The most infuriating part about this is that you let another man, J, around our children. While we were married. Our son knows this man by name, asks about where he went, and yet, you donít seem to care. Maybe youíre just trying to find a replacement father. You barely seemed to care when I told you about that part, when our son asked me where he was.
And you wonder why I wanted to kill myself. Have you stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, YOU were a part of the reason why I wanted to die? Why I allowed myself to lose it at times? Of course, if I told you this, you would flat out deny it, attribute the problems to something else. Remember what you used to say? ďI canít decide if I want to spend the rest of my life miserable with you or happy as a single parent.Ē
You said that before my first suicide attempt.
Right before it.
I remember a lot of things.
Such as that knife comment. That conversation will never be forgotten. Sometimes I think to myself, if our positions were reversed, what would I do differently. And I would do EVERYTHING differently. I certainly wouldnít have told you to kill yourself. You remember that conversation, because I do. You even told your parents that you said it.
And yet, to this day, you have yet to apologize for it. I asked you if you still wanted me to kill myself. You said no. And yet, you still havenít apologized for making those comments to me. In your mind, I called you a ***** during that particular phone call in June. Yes, I did. I called you that because, in spite of the fact that you knew my suicide history, you still told me to kill myself. And do you remember what brought us to an argument in the first place? You have taken to blaming my family because our son is inexplicably taking off his clothes in the middle of daycare Ė Iíve tolerated it all this time. We donít even know what the real problem is. It could be because when we both didnít dress up in the morning when he was younger. Maybe heís reading off that. Maybe itís something else. But during that conversation, you started making implications that I was sexually abusing my son. MY SON! And when I rightfully lashed out at you, you acted as if I were the bad guy, that I would mistreat my son. Iím sorry, but who was it that was taking care of our kids while you were working to get your PA packet? Who took care of the house, before the depression set in, while you did what was necessary to get your career in order?
You talk about how much you did to keep our marriage intact and then get all mad when I tell you that the fault lies between us both. But you donít hear that part. All you hear is the word Ďfaultí. You associate that with this bull**** lie that I said you were completely at fault. I have never, ever said that this marriage was completely your fault. I have always held to the belief that we both contributed to the end of this marriage. Always. But you wonít hear it any other way. The few times I mentioned your faults, you blew them off. So why would I tell you now what your faults are? You canít even recognize them? Sure, you say that you have problems, but can you figure them out? Other than a temper, because thatís a huge part of the problem. I at least recognized my faults and Iíve worked on them. Itís a damn shame that you still have no idea what some of your problems are.
See, things wouldíve been fine between us. I knew the divorce papers were coming. I was preparing myself for them. Iíd hoped that things would improve between us, but I was fine with the papers because of my role in the fall of this marriage. But then you played up this story that Iím an unfit parents to my children: and then you requested sole physical and legal custody.
Here is why I hate you: You are just a ****ing enigma. You are completely unbelievable. You told the world that I put my hands on you and flung you against the wall. You told people and police that I was emotionally abusive. You told the ****ing world that I was not a good father to my children.
And yet, I was more than willing to be your husband through all of this. I wouldíve sacrificed everything in my life just to be with you. And I have sacrificed a lot to this point.
Not for you.
Not for another woman.
Iím not fighting this divorce because I want to make your life miserable. Maybe one day, you realize your faults and then youíll be the one who wants to apologize. When that day comes, donít call me. I really donít care what you personally do with yourself anymore. Itís my children that I care about, and what I believe is best for them. They need their mother and father in their lives, in equal capacity. The fact that you canít realize that simple fact is going to be the reason why they are miserable. The fact that you are so hellbent on cutting me out of their lives Ė that is going to affect them the most.
I told you once before Ė I would die before I allowed you to take my children away.
And you also told me this in response: ďYou might as well get the knife then.Ē
I have never forgotten those words. You never should have said them. That was easily the most ****ed up thing in this marriage, bare none. I have made my mistakes in this marriage and done some bad things, but you take the cake. You know just as well as I do that I never physically abused you. I never laid my hands on you. I shouldnít even have this protective order, and deep down, you know it. And you also know that this order is only there because you promised me that if we didnít go to trial, way back in January, that if I just accepted the no contact order without admission of guilt, that you would get us in marital counseling.
You ****ed me over.
I missed my daughterís first birthday. That was my fault.
You made sure I didnít show up to my sonís fourth birthday.
I did a lot of things just so I could be with you. I even did some things I did not agree with Ė remember begging me to get the military and KC police to check on B? Yeah, I still have those emails too. But because I didnít handle the situation in the exact manner that you wanted, because I also blew the whistle and told your parents that you were breaking your own restraining order to talk with me, the marriage could not be worked on Ė that it all of a sudden became irrevocable. I understand that you were upset, but you started that Facebook fight with B all on your own. And like an idiot, because I wanted you, I stuck my hands in the pot, as you asked me to.
If this ever sees the light of day, if other people ever read this, I pray that they see who youíve been behind that smile. I hope they see that Iím not the only reason this marriage fell apart. I hope that your friends stay your friends, but I also hope they call you out on your bull****.
When I lived in Wisconsin, anytime you asked me to come see you, I would drop everything and do that. I would watch the kids over night. I would dance with you. I would start trying to open up.
How dare you say that Iím an unfit parent.
How dare you tell me that I ruined this marriage.
I may have broken your heart, but youíve hurt me far more than words could ever describe.
I hope youíre happy with yourself. And if youíre sitting there smiling, or satisfied that things have gotten to this point, then I wonder who shouldíve been the one in the psych ward.
Even if you had cheated on me, tried to kill yourself over guilt, shut down mentally because of depression, and all around just became a shell of your former self, I still wouldíve been there by your side. I would not have given up on this marriage until marital counseling. For better or for worse.
I guess in the long run, only one of us was willing to stay committed.
For better or for worse.
I made my mistakes. And Iíve atoned for them.
Iím sorry that you canít seem to find a reason to apologize.
I hope that you are happy with yourself.