My STBXH and I had separated 2 months before I served him with divorce papers last week. Within that time to now, it seems, with the news officially coming out to public, people from the woodworks are contacting me. Some of them are his friends that I never knew about and some are mutual friends. I've got people telling me that he's always been a cheater, even before we were married, and two people telling me how they talked so often that they knew a lot about our daily lives. I HAD NO IDEA WHO THOSE TWO PEOPLE WERE! Let alone they were in such close contact with my stbxh!
When he was home, he gave us 100% of his time. Never texted, called, or did anything out of the ordinary. I had no idea what he did at work (he's in law enforcement), but apparently, he talked to a lot of people and had a separate life outside of home. I wonder if some of his friends even knew he was married for 20 years and had 4 kids?
I feel so stupid and so sick to my stomach for never seeing any signs. And if there were any signs, he would have a valid excuse for it...and I stupidly believed him. I thought the relationship and home life was so good, I didn't have a reason to look for any signs.
He was such a good liar and covered his tracks so well, I'm glad I finally caught on (after 20 years) and beat him to his own game. I am angry at how I was taken for granted, treated with such disrespect, and I am also hurt that he chose his stupid HS GF over me and his kids. Last week, I was being wishy-washy after I gave him the divorce papers and actually had second doubts. Now, I have all this to keep me going. I have a feeling that it's going to get pretty bad in the next couple of months.
so so sorry, i was disappointed when i found about my stbxw affair & even asked why didn't you have the courtesy of telling me about it, supposedly it happened before our marriage, had i known obviously i would have never married her or stayed with her, i do not regret my 6 yr old at all but it would have saved me all this, i know if i ever hear stuff like that, even if it means loosing a friend i'll always be honest with people,
Cheaters all all about image maintenance and avoidance of responsibility. Confessing to his affairs would mean he has to acknowledge he isn't as perfect as he would like to believe and is fully responsible for his actions.
Some friends eh? Well don't beat yourself up over this. Those friends of his must not have liked him that much or they wouldn't be telling you all his faults now. Odd are they gave him as many "at a boys" as needed to keep him around but didn't trust him very much. If he cheated on his wife what's to prevent him from cheating with theirs?
Just in case you're wondering what a man looks like years after losing his wife to an affair partner and then losing her, it's not a pretty picture. I've met a few of these guys who served in the armed forced and police department and they always look disappointed and miserable. LOL it's like they have a permanent expression of depression..... probably because their kids don't call anymore and the one woman willing to put up with their sh!t won't return their calls.
I'm glad you don't have the wishy washy feeling anymore. And now you know all the signs. Good thing now is that as soon as someone tells you "i always knew, just didnt say anything", you can put them in the "never want to talk to again" pile.
so so sorry, i was disappointed when i found about my stbxw affair & even asked why didn't you have the courtesy of telling me about it, supposedly it happened before our marriage, had i known obviously i would have never married her or stayed with her, i do not regret my 6 yr old at all but it would have saved me all this, i know if i ever hear stuff like that, even if it means loosing a friend i'll always be honest with people,
I did the same thing! I asked him why he didn't have the courtesy to tell me about the affair! I can understand if it 'just happened' because do make mistakes, but for carrying on 8 months and me asking him if there were anyone else? WTF?
Just in case you're wondering what a man looks like years after losing his wife to an affair partner and then losing her, it's not a pretty picture. I've met a few of these guys who served in the armed forced and police department and they always look disappointed and miserable. LOL it's like they have a permanent expression of depression..... probably because their kids don't call anymore and the one woman willing to put up with their sh!t won't return their calls.[/QUOTE]
I remember when we were young, he used to make comments and say how he feels bad for all those older officers who lost everything because they were stupid. Who knew, that many years later, he's doing the same stupid things those older officers did.
I really hope this OW leaves him one day. I really don't want to believe that it's fate that brought them back together since high school. Did I already mention that she's still married and her lame husband is letting her cheat?
He knows had he told you he would have lost you. So he did everything he could to cake eat and try to balance both option A and option B. Don't even begin to beat yourself up over this. Just do your best to see him as the immature coward he is and cut your ties. You're going to see him again whether you like it or not so prepare yourself now for a life happier without him.
Imagine how good it's going to feel months from now to wake up not worrying and do whatever the hell you want. Get yourself a divorced man whose been cheated on and left, one that's put in a ton of effort to better himself, and you've got yourself a great catch.
I'm glad you don't have the wishy washy feeling anymore. And now you know all the signs. Good thing now is that as soon as someone tells you "i always knew, just didnt say anything", you can put them in the "never want to talk to again" pile.
I'm going to start by telling them 'I don't even want to hear it.'
OMG... you are telling my story. My STBXH is also in LE. Same MO as yours. Hooked up with his old flame from 22 yrs ago. He swears they are not having sex but its bad enough to me that he tells her all his problems and doesn't talk to me. Has not for years no matter hard I try to get him to open up. Secret lunches, texts, she calls his cell phone not our home phone, etc.
As for the woodwork people... turns out my STBXH has been telling everyone at work how miserable his marriage is, etc. Some of the LE wives have finally leaked it to me. I confronted him and he said "you can't understand how we support each other" referring to other cops. I am humiliated that most of the department knows about our personal lives.
He too, used to comment on how all his workmates were divorced, lonely and broke, missing their families, half their salary and half their pension. He said how stupid they were not to hold their marriage together. Swore he would never end up like that.
Seems the karma bus has arrived. Pls post more and share. Stay strong.
brokenbythis - OMG!! My STBXH never opens up to me too! I've tried throughout our marriage and he always told me 'I don't talk about it'. It really sucks when you hear from these people how he confided in them, when he should have been talking to me about it.
You're right, the karma bus has arrived. I need to get a lawyer to make sure I don't get taken for.
There's something about the type of personaility the does that job. They all seem to be the same. Distant, emotionally unavailable. Maybe they pick them that way.
Mine would come home after some terrible call he had attended, I would ask him about it and all he would say is "its cool". How could a dead and beaten baby be cool? Why wouldn't he share with me?
There's something about the type of personaility the does that job. They all seem to be the same. Distant, emotionally unavailable. Maybe they pick them that way.
Mine would come home after some terrible call he had attended, I would ask him about it and all he would say is "its cool". How could a dead and beaten baby be cool? Why wouldn't he share with me?
I always wondered the same thing and I can't understand how or why he would open up to his OW and tells me that he can't talk to me like that.
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I feel sick to my stomach. 
I thought the relationship and home life was so good, I didn't have a reason to look for any signs.
