New poster here, thank you all for posting your stories, they have been extremely helpful, knowing we are not alone, that so many others are facing very similar ordeals.
Very similar to many other stories, walk-away-wife decided she wanted to separate for the first time after 10 years of marriage and moved out two months ago. Just before the separation we argued nonstop about why she wouldn’t try at all to save this marriage, she went to two MC sessions, one with me, one on her own and she was done. Her explanation is “she is done” she doesn’t love me anymore, I feel like a friend not a husband, she’s not attracted to me as a spouse. No kids but I am still completely devastated. Classic Mr. Nice Guy, read the book and implementing changes. Also have implemented 180 degrees over the past two months, which as the name suggests, is exactly the opposite of what I want to do; I won’t repeat what everyone else has said but it is extremely difficult not to fight for your best friend and the love of your life. I still see the MC every week, she has been terrific.
All contact has been initiated by wife, including our first substantive talk in two months. She said she has not changed her mind, happy with her decision, happy with her life. I held true to 180, did not argue or grovel, even though it felt awful to hear, and responded that the separation was good to work on ourselves, which I’m doing through MC. The problem with 180 is that it is exactly what she wants, we are getting further and further removed and apart making it more difficult to have any chance to reconnect. She hasn’t asked for divorce but given how happy she is by herself asking for a divorce is the next step.
She wants off the mortgage but the only way to do that in our state is to file for divorce. So I need to decide if I have the stomach to take control of this situation and tell her we need to file for divorce to get her off the mortgage. Otherwise I just passively wait for her to ask me about how we get her off the mortgage, which puts her is control again.
She also just asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her for my birthday but I’m thinking to say no; I’m already sad enough about this whole situation, as much as I miss her and love her, I don’t need her sitting across from me on my birthday telling me she still has no feelings for me. Thoughts? Perspectives?
New poster here, thank you all for posting your stories, they have been extremely helpful, knowing we are not alone, that so many others are facing very similar ordeals.
Very similar to many other stories, walk-away-wife decided she wanted to separate for the first time after 10 years of marriage and moved out two months ago. Just before the separation we argued nonstop about why she wouldn’t try at all to save this marriage, she went to two MC sessions, one with me, one on her own and she was done. Her explanation is “she is done” she doesn’t love me anymore, I feel like a friend not a husband, she’s not attracted to me as a spouse. No kids but I am still completely devastated. Classic Mr. Nice Guy, read the book and implementing changes. Also have implemented 180 degrees over the past two months, which as the name suggests, is exactly the opposite of what I want to do; I won’t repeat what everyone else has said but it is extremely difficult not to fight for your best friend and the love of your life. I still see the MC every week, she has been terrific.
Your first move, is to remove her from the pedistol you have placed her on .. and become less co-dependent.
You need to establish your boundaries.
All contact has been initiated by wife, including our first substantive talk in two months. She said she has not changed her mind, happy with her decision, happy with her life. I held true to 180, did not argue or grovel, even though it felt awful to hear, and responded that the separation was good to work on ourselves, which I’m doing through MC. The problem with 180 is that it is exactly what she wants, we are getting further and further removed and apart making it more difficult to have any chance to reconnect. She hasn’t asked for divorce but given how happy she is by herself asking for a divorce is the next step.
The 180 is about focusing on you. It has nothing to do with her.
She hasn't asked for a divorce, because you are Plan B.
So I guess if you like being sloppy seconds .. I'd suggest you set your boundaries, take her off the skyscraper you have her on and drop into NC.
She wants off the mortgage but the only way to do that in our state is to file for divorce. So I need to decide if I have the stomach to take control of this situation and tell her we need to file for divorce to get her off the mortgage. Otherwise I just passively wait for her to ask me about how we get her off the mortgage, which puts her is control again.
She also just asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her for my birthday but I’m thinking to say no; I’m already sad enough about this whole situation, as much as I miss her and love her, I don’t need her sitting across from me on my birthday telling me she still has no feelings for me. Thoughts? Perspectives?
Bronco, sad to day, similar situation on my end. Get to a lawyer asap and find out what your options are to protect yourself. You did not deserve this, but now you have to deal with it. Sounds like she checked out a long time ago, was biding her time, but forget to tell you..
First of all, I"m sorry that you're having to join us on the Island of Misfit Spouses. If you've been reading everyone's stories, you know that yours follows the script pretty closely.
Some will automatically say there is someone else. Do you see any signs of that? Someone at work?
Perhaps it is a sort of mid-life crisis, and she's got the 'Grass is greener' syndrome.
In either case, sad to say, you may need to just keep working on yourself (good for you for staying with the counseling!) and let her go until the fog passes.
It is interesting that she does keep initiating contact with you, and that she asked about your birthday. It's always possible that she keeps telling you how happy she is in a sort of 'methinks thou dost protest too much' sort of way.
The 180 is difficult when you still love your spouse. The natural instinct is to fight for something when you feel on the verge of losing it. If you feel you are strong enough inside yourself that you can see her on your birthday and leave discussions of your relationship out of it, it might be worth a shot to try it. But I would think the most important thing would be how you handle yourself. No indication to her of how much you love her or miss her. You must be cool but cordial. Nothing more. Show her that you are strong.
And another thing in your post that struck me -- are you absolutely sure that a divorce will take your name off the mortgage? This is often a common misconception about divorce. It can order your name off the deed, but a court cannot order a bank to take someone's name off a loan. They would have the right to call the loan in for immediate payment in full. They granted the mortgage based on the financial information of both of you. In every state I know of, the only way to get one person's name off the mortgage is for the other person to buy the house from him/her. That is also done through a bank, and involves refinancing the loan based on one spouse's financial information. It is true that, in most cases, a divorce is necessary to allow the spouses to sever their ties on property such as a house. Otherwise, even if only one name was on the mortgage, the other non-owning spouse could be hit for unpaid payments, taxes, etc. Divorce would prevent that.
Thanks for the perspectives, MC agrees I need to stop worshing her, like everyone in her life. I have been working hard to develop personally, taking trips, seeing friends, getting closer to family, new hobbies. Legally squared away, know all the options, having a hard time not looking out for her interests.
MC thinks this is a life stages issue between us with a possibility of someone else. She is afraid of growing up, she even admitted she likes living like someone 10 years younger and needs to change but doesn't want her life to change. Mortgage company and lawyer said i could use assumption to qualify for a solo mortgage, which it looks like i will. No expert here just going by others advice.
MC thinks this is a life stages issue between us with a possibility of someone else. She is afraid of growing up, she even admitted she likes living like someone 10 years younger and needs to change but doesn't want her life to change. Mortgage company and lawyer said i could use assumption to qualify for a solo mortgage, which it looks like i will. No expert here just going by others advice.
I dunno exactly what the MC is trying to prove in what he is saying .. but ..
If your ex tells you she is enjoying playing teenager and living her own life, then you should be doing the same thing.
Give her what she wants.
Stop talking to her, completely.
Let her kick, scream, come at you with every BS thing she has.
Yes, she surrounds herself with people who worship her, me included. I have to say when things were good for a while they were the best times of my life.
Yes, she surrounds herself with people who worship her, me included. I have to say when things were good for a while they were the best times of my life.
You mean the times you were completely caught up in what she wanted you to think.
Before you started growing a pair and realizing something just wasn't right.
The barrier gets reinforced with all the great memories, i only want to focus on the positive times right now, that is changing with mc help. She is only focusing on the negative, which i don't understand. This is tough to admit but she actually said to me she could not remember a time we were happy together bs and crushing. I just can't fathom saying that to someone you spent the last 10 years of your life together, delusional.
The barrier gets reinforced with all the great memories, i only want to focus on the positive times right now, that is changing with mc help. She is only focusing on the negative, which i don't understand. This is tough to admit but she actually said to me she could not remember a time we were happy together bs and crushing. I just can't fathom saying that to someone you spent the last 10 years of your life together, delusional.
She is rewriting history. It's the only way she can keep going with what she is doing, and justify it.
The thing is Bronco. What she is doing, has nothing to do with you.
It's not your problem anymore, you are free.
You aren't focusing on the 'positives'.
You are evading the reality that it's over and sticking your head in the sand while she kicks you in the ass.
9Likes
Classic WAW 
