Need Reinforcement Please

Luonnotar · 08-09-2012, 06:02 AM

Been 3 days now since my STBXH decided that there was no point in our even trying to save our marriage and that we needed to end it.
Have an appointment on Monday to meet with the lawyer.
Here's my problem.
After MONTHS of ignoring me and spending all his time and affection on the OW, suddenly he's talking to me and texting me and treating me like a human being.
I'm sure that this is just him being relieved at getting what he wants, but need your support and reinforcement on keeping to the 180. I'm doing the right thing by being distant and pleasant but not groveling or begging for a reconciliation, right?????

Awakening2012 · 08-09-2012, 06:29 AM

Yes, you are doing the right thing! As much as he has hurt and disresepcted you, you have to have the self-respect to let go of a husband who is not putting value on you and the marriage. Once we are able to truly put value on ourselves and stop "needing" the spouse or anyone else to put value on us, it is amazing how it can chnage things around for the better. The key things is to do it -- start valuing yourslef -- without any attachment to a particular outcome or result. This way, even if it does end in divorce (I am in limbo myself, separated 4 months and not knowing whether and when my husband will file for divorce and become an STBXH), you will not stay stuck in painful thoughts of him and the past, or fears of the future. You will start simply finding ways to enjoy each day as it comes, and make your life as happy as it can be -- with or without him. It may be that in his current condition, it is not in your best interest to get back with him, so trust the Universe, love and respect yourself, and hold your head high. Is this meeting the the lawyer on your own (I hope) or jointly with him?

Hang in there, stay strong and keep us posted!

Best, - A12

Husbandinneed92 · 08-09-2012, 06:33 AM

Of course you're doing the right thing.
The question I'd ask would be are you doing the 180 primarily to help you move on, or as a strategy to get him to come back?
Either way I'd keep up the 180 at least until you've talked to a lawyer. You don't want to slip up just because he's being nicer now.

Luonnotar · 08-09-2012, 06:34 AM

It is jointly, with him.
We've also discussed the whole divorce plan. He's told me I get the house and he'll assume all debts he's responsible (like nearly 8,000 in taxes resulting from withdrawals he made from his retirement account without telling me.)
And for the first time in three years he's really looking for a job. Got three interviews lined up in the next few days.
We've both agreed that the ONLY thing that matters right now is the children. We are both determined to make this as easy as possible on them. And for the first time, I actually believe he means it.
I just have to keep cramming those sneaky little hopes for a sudden reconciliation down and focus on that 180...

Luonnotar · 08-09-2012, 06:36 AM

Why am I doing the 180?
Wow. I guess a little of both, if I'm honest.
But even if there is a little bit of hoping to get him back, fixing my own life will be good any how, won't it?

Husbandinneed92 · 08-09-2012, 06:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luonnotar

Why am I doing the 180?
Wow. I guess a little of both, if I'm honest.
But even if there is a little bit of hoping to get him back, fixing my own life will be good any how, won't it?

You've hit the nail on the head. You need to work out whether you want to spend your life with him and work out whether he's really changed. If you don't want to be with him then you've improved yourself in any case which will work wonders for you.

It does sound like he's working to change from an outside view, but the final verdict is really up to you alone.