Just want to share some of the mad stuff that is going round my head at the moment. Just split up with a girl that I was with, not married too, for the past two years. We moved in really quickly and it became serious very quickly, alot due to the fact that she put her cards on the table very quickly...saying she wants kids, marriage etc..in life and soon. Throughout the relationship, I felt under pressure a great deal and I would spend days on end constantly questioning whether I really did love her enough to be considering these things with her. I always felt at every point in the relationship that I had to make this choice of whether or not she was the one I wanted to marry, have kids with etc. I started thinking about this to the point of obsession, where I could no longer actually enjoy my time with her because I was thinking so deeply into everything and looking for concrete evidence of it being "right" or there being "enough love".
The result is that I have messed her around alot in terms of the messages I was sending out and the promises I was making. I really wanted for things to work with her, I never ever intentionally messed her around. But we split up a few times, all due to my constant over thinking and ruining things. I would find myself looking up ROCD on the internet, trying to establish if I have some kind of problem with the way I`am thinking about things. I genuinely did not know if this girl was not right for me on some level...or if she was the most perfect girl for me but my thinking was just messing it all up!
We got back together again, because without her I just felt like I had made a massive massive mistake. I look at this girl and I just think I will never meet a girl like you again. She is the only girl I have ever been with that is so deep, caring and genuine. The only girl I have actually ever trusted. But whenever I go back, my mind starts working over time again and I stop acting like myself and eventually it comes to the surface again that I dont know what I`m feeling and I feel this anxiousness. The result is that this time, my thinking has pulled the plug on us good and now I`am back to the thinking "what have you done, you have messed up big time here"
I have literally no interest whatsoever in looking at anyone else or being with anyone else. I feel completely and utterly in limbo. I feel no better now than I did when I was with her but didnt know what the hell I was feeling. I never wanted to feel anxious and unsure about her, I wanted it to work and just feel natural. I would give my left leg for it to work still.
I still think I would love to meet her in a year or so when things have calmed down and if we both havent moved on try and start a fresh. There is no chance of anything happening in the near future because too much has happened.
I`am stuck in the day to day limbo, where I hate being by myself...I feel like every minute I`am away from her is another minute for her to forget about me. Most of all I hate that she thinks in her head that I was just a complete messer, when really I wanted it to work more than anything..it was just my thinking that completely ruined everything.
Has anyone else ever been in this sort of limbo? I wish I would get my head straight and just know that it was the right thing to do but I cant...