I am new here and desperate for advice and maybe a little hope moving forward.
My husband and I have been married 10 years March together for 12. Our relationship has been plagued with his cocaine addiction and my subsequent alcohol use for escapist measures. My husband, I thought, was agreat guy so I stood by him through some very difficult times. People always said to leave him but I love him so much I never could or would. But as the years went on my standing by him led me to be very resentful and mean. When I started drinking I became an absolute beast. Calling him names and throwing the past in his face.
Well he has always worked but would lose jobs after a year or so. I got a very good job a few years ago travelling and making more money than we could imagine. But I hated being away from our kids. So I trained my husband and got him the same position I had with the agreement we would trade off travelling.
Well he takes his first job and blows one of his checks on cocaine while he is out of town. SO when he was leaving for the next job the day before I went crazy and I think out of fear (who knows I was drunk) kicked him out, and made a huge scene at my inlaws. It was a complete mess. I embarassed myself terribly.
He left and when he got to his location he would not speak with me. He wanted space blah, blah, blah. I begged him to come back he was hesitant and you would have thought I pinched his baby the way he was acting towards me. Out of desperation I booked us a vacation to Florida which was a disaster. We argued and it was horrible. ON the way back he said he didnt want to be with me anymore.
Well as soon as we got home he left again. Continuing to say he didnt feel the same and things have changed and I am crazy.
I kept reaching out to him casually about the kids. Then I would send him an email saying how I loved him. Then I would say I am okay with everything. Then while I was out of town I begged him for another chance and he said I am too controlling and I am trying to control this too. (I have had to be controlling because He could never handle anything)
So Starting wednesday I was beginning to let go. I didnt call If so only about the kids. He called me once (which he never does) about our son. I was getting to a good space. I stopped drinking (actually I stopped that the week before) Started taking care of myself and focusing on my future, when BAM! Doorbell.
Its Husband surprising my son for the weekend for his Bday.
I was so happy and excited. He gave me a half hearted hug, played with bday boy and when it was bedtime would not get in bed. He sat on a stool. He was acting aloof and I said just get in bed its no big deal (it was 2am). SO he falls alseep. Of course morning comes and you know what happens. (horrible)
The night before I asked him if he was moving out he said "im not going anywhere" SO today I ask him about whats going on with us he said its over, and when he saw me he felt nothing, and people just change sometimes and I need to accept it, and it doesnt matter that I stood by him when he had nothing, and he will do anything for me, and he still cares for me, and there is no one else.
So me being the hot head I am I said to my son your father has something to tell you, and made my husband tell our son we are getting a divorce. Then I said fine get a divorce lawyer and dont waste any time. He tried to hug me I said dont ever touch me. He said he doesnt want to hurt me but he doesnt want to be with me. Then I begged him to just give me one more try he said no and stormed out the room.
Can this get any worse? I have humiliated myself and now I seem like a crazier person than before. What is wrong with me? I can not control my anger and emotions at all.
Does this seem salvagable? If so how? Also Im not even sure I want to salvage it. My ego and (more importantly) my feelings are so hurt and broken. I am an emotional wreck. How could I stand by a man for 12 years and go through the HELL I went through and as soon as he starts making great money and travelling the country he abandons me. I am so hurt.
PLease advise!!! Sorry for all my mistakes grammatical and spelling.
I honestly think at this point there is no salvaging it, it's your husband who has decided he doesn't want to be with you.
Maybe through counseling you can learn to control your emotions and get a better handle on yourself, then if you still want to be with him, try then, slowly of course. Focus on yourself first. What you want, what you need, everything. Find out what's causing the issues you acknowledge and learn about some you didn't even realize were there.
It does seem so hopeless.
Counseling is my next step. I know I have made many mistakes, now I feel so guilty.
No point in feeling guilty about it, guilt is a horrible emotion that destroys everything else in your life.
Just go to counseling, figure you out, and who knows, you may realize you didn't really want to be with him anyway.
I honestly think that if you drank to escape and treated him the way you did you didn't want to be with him anymore either. But you're afraid to be alone but it's so different. It's a comfort thing more than a love thing at this point it seems.
Hellioness- You may be on to something there. Maybe he is doing me a favor by making this change that I have been too afraid to make. I have spoken to him of divorce before but only as a way to hopefully scare him into sobriety.
I dont know why but your words put a blanket of calm and peace over me, they must be true. Thank you!
Also, he always got upset over the way I treated him. He said I think I can say anything I want to people. I think I just wanted to hurt him with my words the way he hurt me. I never dealt with the resentment. Very dysfuctional.
The more I write about it the more I see how this may be for the best.
Salvage what? The good old days of drug and alcohol abuse in order to get through the relationship until either one or both of you could wind up for another explosion?
The thing you miss is the magical idea of who you and your husband might have been. It sounds like you need to detox from the chaos and find some healthy distance before deciding what is best for you and your child. Posted via Mobile Device
Salvage what? The good old days of drug and alcohol abuse in order to get through the relationship until either one or both of you could wind up for another explosion?
The thing you miss is the magical idea of who you and your husband might have been. It sounds like you need to detox from the chaos and find some healthy distance before deciding what is best for you and your child. Posted via Mobile Device
Thats true. I wish I had found this site sooner.
There IS something to salvage though. I am only detailing the negatives because I want to expose the problems. Our marriage has had more positives than negatives. But I do hear what you are saying and agree.
You are clearly a smart and tough lass. Your snowman must have had some redeeming qualities but that's not really relevant at the moment. According to you, his behavior created an alcohol counter in you and you mention out of control anger. Where you are now is very far from a healthy relationship. Find some equilibrium first; relearn healthier ways to be angry and addressing emotions. Posted via Mobile Device
You have had some very good input here and seem to be listening.
As you know the issue with drug users is that they can be very good when they are good and very bad otherwise. It's a rollercoaster.
You do need to remind yourself about why you blew up... he spend an entire pay check on drugs. He finally gets a good job because of you and he blew it all on drugs. So what if you threw a fit. It's nothing compared to what he did. Surely his parents know what he did with his pay check.
Take a look at the 180 link in my signature block below. This is how you need to interact with your husband from here on out. Modify it to have as little contact with him as possible. If at all possible, only interact with him when it's about your children.
File for divorce. Let him know that you are serious.
Elegirl, thank you for the advice. I actually have been reading other posts and clicked on your 180 link already. I plan to follow it for sure. I have been looking up divorce atty's too. So I guess my head is in the right place thus far.
Yes, I told his mom about the pay check, but she is a huge enabler. It was par for the course with her. The job situation is even worse because it seems as if as soon as he had an opportunity to leave he left. In doing so he blamed ME, saying my behavior, and my attitude, and things he could no longer deal with. I'm like, "huh?". So I spend 12 years supporting you mentally, physically and emotionally and when you get a chance its over? He says he has been trying to reach me for a while, and he has. He has mentioned counseling and tried to talk to me about things, but I just always felt he should stop the drugs then all would be well. I think he wanted me to stop the arguing. He hates arguing. So he says he tried with me already and I didn't change so he won't give me/us a chance now.
I was working on my 180 and doing a good job until be popped up for our sons b-day, that really threw me off and I lost focus. That will not happen this time. I have already made too many mistakes. I really just want this time apart for me.
I hate that he is being so nice and caring towards me. "Are you ok now?", "everything is gonna be ok." Etc. I just want him to be mean so I can be mad at him. I guess that's why 180 will help me. He has learned over his lifetime how to say and do anything he can to avoid emotional confrontation. That's probably one reason why I act the total opposite. Sometimes I need a reaction that's sincere, not just " okay".
Ugh!
But!! I am moving forward and doing for me now. 12 years have been spent on him, all for nothing. I feel so used. So now its time for me. Posted via Mobile Device
You do realize that putting up with someone's crap (thinking it will earn their love) isn't a good way to live.
And, resenting them because they don't love you (even though you put up with their crap) will make you crazy.
It's called being codependent.
I do realize that. I'm my situation we were both in love. I only had resentment for situations in the past due to drug use, not lack of love.
I put up with his crap because of the love we shared. I looked at my marriage as a life long endeavor. There was never a question of his love for me because as I stated I have been far from perfect as well. He tried numerous times to get me to MC, but as I stated I looked at the problem as only him and drugs. I should have tried MC not just for us but to help MYSELF. I should have taken the focus off of him and taken care of me.
Your point of putting up with someone's crap then resenting them for it is well taken. It took time to get there though. I think after about 9 years I started getting fed up. Posted via Mobile Device
10Likes
I have handled everything wrong. 
