I've been separated from my wife of 11yrs since April 2012. I'm made big mistakes in my marriage all revoling around my addiction to alcohol. I'm currently in rehab and have 4 months sober and also have had IC and will be doing more counsling. So wife took kids and went back home and during this whole time she has been giving me mixed signals about the relationship and has told my sister that she still loves me and that it is to soon for her to come back. I get from her as of right now I still want a divorce or move on we are over etc. the latest two things was I asked her about custody paperwork or if she wanted to wait until the divorce and she said I'm not thinking about paperwork right now...but u must b bc that's all you talk about and then the next thing was try hard to get you right....don't worry bout me anymore.....that's over. I've wrote letters and told her how much I cared etc. I'm sending one last letter and I'm done, but I'm scared that my marriage is really over!!! We still are buying birthday gifts for kids as one and the last two times I was back home we did family funcation together and all this is confussing to me!!!! If I bring up divorce she shuts down and has no response what so ever. The other day I said if you really want me to move on then why won't you talk to me about the paperwork or if you just tell me that you found someone else and you don't love me then it will hurt but maybe I'll be able to move on, but once again no response just shut down and stopped texting. I don't know what to do any help or suggestions please!!!
You have to let her be. Stop contacting her. Stop asking about D. You are digging an even deeper hole. Sounds like she wants to see whether you changes stick. You broke her trust in you and its going to take time to get back if thats possible. She has to come to you. Sucks but that's the way it is. The more you press her the further you push her away.
Read up here on the 180. Check LockeCPMs thread he is implementing it well. Posted via Mobile Device
Spun so you are saying not in so many words that she probably don't want a divorce and is waiting to see if I change like I said I would....you say stop contacting her but that isn't possible when I have to call her so I can talk to the kids.....I'm not sure if I'm being manupulated or what cause I'm still paying for her car insurance and cell phone....like I said I have one last letter to send to her along with my paperwork from rehab saying that I finished along with a four month soberity coin. I'm I reaching here or what? I could go into further details about what caused the separation, but I'm not looking to be judge and I have owned up to my mistakes.....just looking for advice!
Thanks Spun....it's gonna be hard but i'm gonna give it everything that I got....one last note the later isn't a letter of me pouring out my love to her....it's a letter of me owning up to my mistakes and taking responsibilty for my actions and wrong doings....this is something I failed to do and I thing I owe this to her...Thanks again. (where can I find the 180)
The 180 is doing the OPPOSITE of what you've been doing.
And here's a list of it. Implement what's needed.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
Well it's been a week since my last contact with wife besides me calling on saturday to speak with kids and that's just a hello my I speak to the kids.....this is getting very hard and I'm starting to think that me not contacting her is just gonna make her think I have given up on my marriage even though she has told me to move on...really don't think she means that at all.
Your pressing yourself. I understand you feel guilt about your previous actions which caused your marriage to get to where it is today, but as has been pointed out you need to relax. You are not in a sprint here, but a marathon in rebuilding your wife's trust.
Your actions are what are most important. The 180 is for both you and the wife. You have gotten this far, and congrats on being sober, but you need to be strong. Focusing on being a better father (and I'm not saying you aren't already, but with addicttion there are always little things) will show your wife your serious.
I know it is tough, but go to the private members section and read the Breaking down the walls post by Voivod. It may enlighten you on what I mean by a marathon. This won't be a short journey.
I think it is great that you have realized your problems, owned up to the fact, and have pursued treatment and counseling. It will make you a better person and father down the road. Keep working on you and trying to reconcile.
As others says, you need to stop pestering your wife. You come across and needy and demanding. You will appear weak in her eyes and will further up her level of disinterest in you.
I will speak as the devils advocate from here on out.
- I get the impression that you have been separated for about 4 months?
- Where are you living and where is your wife living with the children?
- How often do you spend time with your children?
There may be a reason your wife does not want to discuss custody or paperwork yet. Right now she is building status quo with repect to the children (she has them most of the time?) and building time towards attaining residency where she is living.
I know that you don't want to think about it, but she could be setting you up to fall in a divorce. If she can file in her location and can show the children spend most of the time with her, you could end up as a every other weekend Dad with a hefty child support payment. Add her using the alcoholism against you and it very well be ugly for you.
As I tell others, don't miss what is going on around you. Most areas require about 6 months to attain residency, so I would spend your time wisely now and develop a plan in case everything goes the opposite of what you hope for. Time is ticking.
Your situation is almost exactly like mine, brother! My post is at "5 months into the separation" for the details, but alcohol was the deadly affair in our relationship. The bottle was a cruel and jealous mistress and any attempts to work on my relationship with my wife or my children was quickly overcome by her siren song. I understand completely!
First and most importantly, congratulations on 1. Acknowledging you have a problem -- this is the hardest thing to do, but obviously the most critical; 2. Seeking help; and 3. Acknowledging the carnage you've wrought on your relationship as a result of your condition. I speak from experience when I say it's a brutal realization when you come out of your alcohol fog and see exactly what you were like while under the influence of your mistress. It really is no different from a physical affair in that regard, and it's painfully hard to own up to what you've done.
As a result, I think your apology letter is a HUGE step toward recovery. I sent my own letter to my W, but also to everyone who had been impacted by my alcoholism over the years. Whether your W responds to the letter or not, it is powerfully cathartic to write the words down and to own your behavior.
Finally, I'll echo what everyone else here has said. While you're feeling euphoric that you've come out of your fog, can clearly see what needs to be done, and want to get to fixing everything NOW, you have to be mega-patient and understanding. I quit drinking at the end of June, 2009. It took me a year to adjust to being sober in the world, and then another year to come to terms with my guilt, and with how to try to interact with my W. In the meantime, she had closed her heart off to me and had found another man with whom she fell in love and had a PA, so we have a long road ahead of us, I fear. I don't mean to suggest your situation will take as long as ours, but it has to run its course, and your W has to see the change in you OVER TIME. I guarantee she loves what she's seeing, but is walled up to protect herself from further pain and hurt. Only time, diligent progress on your part, and a slow, painstaking reconnection with your W and your children will move her toward R.
And even then it may be too late. Not to be negative on you, but you just don't know what damage may have occurred, and whether it's repairable or not. The jury's still out for my W and I, and we've been interacting and friendly toward each other for a couple of months, now. That's the beauty of the 180. It's not about her, it's about working on you! Do what you have to do to be the best you you can possibly be! It's amazing how much impact it has on the people around you. My children are much warmer with me now, and my W has noticed the difference as well. She's still VERY guarded, but she's noticed. Whether she and I work out or not, this whole experience will have been for the best for both of us! That's the power of the 180! Taking an excruciatingly painful and emotionally crushing experience and turning it into what could possibly be one of the most uplifting and powerfully positive experiences in your life.
I've rambled enough. I wish you well, and echo a previous poster in that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Take that same mettle it took to get sober and apply it now to both sobriety, and to your marriage. You're made of stern stuff for having come this far, now stay the course for the sake of your family!
I wish you well, and I hope you continue to update us on how it's going. I'll do the same, and maybe we can be each other's crutch! Good luck.