ImperfectMomma

Gak! I need to figure out how to get through this and what the heck is wrong with me. I told H I want a divorce and I want him to move out. I have asked him several times but he basically is just trying to ignore me in hopes that it will all just go away. My Mom and Dad both passed away within 3 months of each other and I am not mourning at all. I really believe it's because he is here. My anxiety is super high with him around and I am asking all kinds of questions about the affair where I wouldn't be if he wasn't here. I do so much better and feel so much better when he is not around. He needs to go so I can heal from everything. Not only that but I still love him and wish this wasn't happening and don't actually want our dreams to end but realize that I can never ever trust him again. It's not just the affairs, it's the lies, the deceit and the complete refusal to fix anything. Now he's depressed and doesn't want the D but I still don't see any action, I only see denial. How do I.get throuvh to him that he needs to go so I can heal? I have already said these exact words....
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PBear

What about you leaving? Obviously he wants the marriage to continue, and by refusing to leave, he can get what he wants. He likely thinks that given the past, separating is the beginning of the end of the marriage.

C

ImperfectMomma

I can't /won't leave. I take care of the kids and because of his work schedule he is not able to help with that so they really need to be in their home. Since my parents both passed, I don't have the ability to go to one of their homes and he has 4 different places that he could live right now that are all close by. And truly, I want him to leave so I see your point but I didn't cheat so I refuse to leave.
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sharkeey

You can't make him leave unless you file for divorce and request that the courts award you temporary sole occupancy of the marital residence.

Unless he's abusive or threatening to you or the kids, in which case you could see about getting an Order of Protection and get him.. "evicted"..

PBear

Well, as sharkeey says, you can't force him out without taking legal action. So I guess that leaves you with the status quo

You could try presenting him with the divorce papers and let him know his options are either get served now, or he moves out to give you some space and the two of you can see where things end up. Guaranteed divorce vs. a chance. But you'd have to be prepared for him to take either option.

C

Nsweet

I generally don't see divorce as a the best option if you still love you spouse and part of you want to make it work, but I read a little of your story on your other posts and I see it is in your best interest right now. I'll do my best to explain why. He's manipulating you through a process of distorted truths and thought control that allows him to suppress your needs and emotions in favor of what he wants.

He won't tell you the truth because you will get mad and punish him, so he avoids you and downplays the issue until it's dropped in favor of an emotion he approves of. It's a form of emotional abuse often called the "mean and sweet cycle" that's purpose is to keep you in a state of limbo or collect ammunition to use on you later when you get tired of censoring your own thoughts and explode.

See he knows no matter how much you beg, scream, and cry he can do just enough to get you off his back and go back to status quo. He knows you're tired of his sh!t and he's about to get kicked the f*ck out so he's buying time hoping you'll change your mind. This is just going to wear you down over time and affect your health and sanity until you're too tired to fight and he gets his way. I know you love him and at least part of you wants your marriage to work out, but you have to ask yourself "Is this ok? Can I put up with this for much longer?".

If you love him you need to file for divorce and establish boundaries he cannot cross. He's going to raise hell and pull just about every trick in the book, so stay strong end enlist some support. But once the fear of loss sets in you will see him either leave for good or do everything her needs to get you back. I've seen stories on here where drug and alcohol addicted spouses are thrown out and enroll into rehab that week and get clean because they actually have something motivating them.

Even if you don't feel divorce is the right option right now, and I would advise you to get some space and consider your options. You don't have to file for divorce or have either of you leave, but you need to find somewhere you can go to relieve stress. Even an jogging or going to a friends house will help. Anything that will allow you to vent and appear calm around him will do wonders. And the happier you act in your 180 the more he'll start expressing a fear of loss - remember that!

synthetic

You can and you should.

__________________
"Selflessness is just a lofty word for codependency, and it's dysfunctional" - Shari Shreiber

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

ImperfectMomma

NSweet- I love your post because it's so true. He does think that if he just sticks around I will break down and allow it. It's easier that way. I can't allow that anymore though. I have been a good wife and now I need to be a good me. I need to look out for myself and my kids. When he is around I am either fighting the anxiety or I am fighting the need to have his attention, his love. Of course he doesn't give me either which makes it worse for me. I need to be away from him so I don't struggle. When I am away from him, I am the strong person I know myself to be. I know that I have to have self respect. I am a very strong person and I can't allow him to control me anymore. I am only teaching my kids that it is okay to be treated like this and it is not. I haven't told them about the divorce because he and I get along so well together that it would be confusing. HE NEEDS TO GO!!!! I deserve to heal. I deserve to be alone to make myself better. I deserve to have a choice.

hotdogs

I believe he needs to leave as well. Infidelity isn't looked on too highly in the court room. If you have proof of it, get a lawyer and file for divorce. Then state your circumstances to a judge to get a restraining order filed.

You don't need to leave in your state of mind, he does.

synthetic

No he doesn't.

YOU need him to go. And he ain't leaving apparently.

So you should leave instead.

__________________
"Selflessness is just a lofty word for codependency, and it's dysfunctional" - Shari Shreiber

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?