istherehope110

Hi there.

Going to keep this short and sweet. We weren't married but you guys seem great, and give good advice.

So the GF of 3 years flew up to visit her friends last week (we moved here 6 months ago and she missed them) I even arranged the visit. She was there for 6 days.

I was supposed to pick her up at the airport tonight...

Anyway long story short, I come home from work and her Dad, Mom, and a Police officer are outside my patio door. They have a protection order, and want to remove all of her stuff. Now im just staring at them from my living room, trying to figure out why her parents who live 6 hours away are outside my door. I honestly thought I was having a dream/nightmare or something.

The order says I was abusive and she feared for her safety.

Bear in mind this relationship had almost NO PROBLEMS. Never, ever any violence. If we ever argued it was about petty stuff.

The only problem, is she wanted to get married and have kids, and I would explain to her I wasn't in the right place in my life to do that right now. We are both 31.

Also she is very insecure. Always thought I was cheating on her. Constantly texting me while I'm out, seeing what I'm up to.

Obviously this was planned out.

I was completely blindsided. Not only have I lost my GF, but I can't even figure out why she left to begin with, and felt she couldn't tell me. The hardest thing is knowing she was acting the last 2 weeks telling me how much she loves me, and blah blah blah.

Maybe she's pregnant, and is scared to tell me? She did mention right before she left, that she missed her period.

So very perplexing nonetheless.

Should I just move on with my life? I know that's probably the best advice but this is only 8 hours old, with no closure, no reasoning of any kind.

Perhaps the females here can chime in?

Thanks!!

Husbandinneed92

You should move on as in do a 180 for now.
For the long run, look up Borderline Personality Disorder. Quite a lot of us on here have had partners that all of a sudden blindsided us with allegations and leaving. You need to consider that she's already emotionally detached and may be cheating. I don't know for sure obviously, but you need to consider that possibility.
I hope it works out for you, dude. It's never easy. At least it was before marriage. That's one thing to be grateful for, petty as it is.

C3156

Sorry to hear what has happened, nobody likes to be blindsided. I would recommend that you not contact her and put your energy into other things (exercise, reading, try a new activity). It will be very difficult, especially in light of her just leaving, but you need to engage your mind in other things instead thinking this through to much. It is hard to accept but you can't just sit around waiting and stewing over the situation.

Perhaps in time she will contact you but what sucks is that you may never know the why of it all.

xirokx

thats a major problem, I was engaged to a my EX fiancee for 2 yrs and then one day she tells me she wants to find herself and that its over..

I then discovered she was cheating...

When a woman is broody, GOD HELP YOU...

I know its important to you to find out why, who, what, when etc Trust me anything that comes out of her mouth now will mostly be lies
Its normal for you to think of every scenario under the sun.

Thing is imagine just for 1 second if she told you the truth would it really help you? To some extent maybe but there will always be that hurt, resentment, empty hole within you needing to be filled.

Its high time you focus on yourself and and your own needs and thank your lucky stars like I do most days there are no children or divorce lawyers involved.

I know its not nice, I know how you are hurting, 9 months ago I was in your shoes, I still hurt today, some days the pain is not there other days its my best friend.

Surround yourself with people who can help and support you and keep away from her...

Keep hold of anything and everything you can (materially speaking)

I walked out of our rented apartment and am now struggling to find my own little place, I took everything I paid for after literally setting her up and that hurts somedays..

I do feel fortunate that she revealed her true colours in time to think of what else I could have lost is a scary prospect but also a relief.

There is no magic cure or quick fix it takes time and I know it hurts but I pray each day to be helped with the pain...

Just think of yourself now and dont let her get away with every 1% of anything that is not hers.

You were wise and logical, anyone can be dad but not everyone can be a responsible, loving, caring father...

Take your time, as that is what will fix us in the end.

Read self help books, blogs, whatever, keep a journal etc..

I found a great book on here "no more mr nice guy" try and find it...Its just me and all the things I need to work on...better late then never though

good luck

Uptown

ITH, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with Husband that the behaviors you describe -- inability to trust you, insecure, very controlling, and extremely vindictive -- are some of the classic traits associated with several personality disorders, including BPD. If she has strong traits of BPD, as Husband suggests, you also would be seeing some other BPD traits too. I therefore suggest you read my description of such traits in Maybe's thread to see if most sound very familiar. It starts at My list of hell!. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. I was married to a BPDer for 15 years. Take care, ITH.

Frostflower

ITH, I was married 32 years when my husband walked out with no warning and no explanation other than "I'm just not into it anymore." Yesterday I expressed to my counsellor that I felt I have not had closure. I don't know what went wrong. His response? "You may never know."

All we can do is work on ourselves to be the best we can be and move on, hard as it is.

My husband, I later found out was having an affair. It is something to keep in mind. Maybe all the drama was a way for her not to have to face you. You didn't mention if she is pressing charges for the alleged abuse.

If she is pregnant, I hope she has the decency to tell you.

Is there anyone where she went to visit who could have influenced her to leave you?

the guy

Since the law is now involved and you now have a order against you that will effect you in the future you will be best served to hire a lawyer and figure this crap out and get it removed.

Your lawyer can contact her and the courts and start doing the digging that you can't. I would some how get her into court for screwing with your character and false accusations.

This is serious man and if you are inicent this kind of thing can haunt you years from now when looking for work or a place to live.

In the end you may get your answers from you ex GF but for now protect your self and hire a lawyer, at the very least go in for a consultation to know your options and the damage that this order could effect your future.


Screw this chic she's nuts and is screwing with you future!

the guy

Its funny when you drag poeple into court with a subpena to destify, they often change there tune, and in this case, this tactic, and her dropping the RO...ASAP is whats best for you now.

Nsweet

I can tell you exactly what happened. The police involvement, rewriting history to her parents, the restraining oder fearing for her safety, these are all dead giveaways of a personality disorder. And buddy I've been through this myself.

You found yourself a princess or damsel in distress who told you from the get go how different and special you were and how her ex and made you feel really really good. But as soon as she had you she started controlling you and you gave in. It's usually the good guy who gives in to keep the peace. Nobody want to be the bad guy if they can help it, but you need to argue to work through issues.

But it didn't stop there. She felt you let her down in some way because you didn't want a family. The high and mighty princess then stomped her feet and justified it to herself that you're the jerk, you're the bad man who beats her and rapes her when poor little ole' her begs you to stop.

You're not out of it yet, but thank god you don't have to face divorce with this woman! That's enough of a nightmare when you're divorcing a normal woman, but paired with a mean and sweet psycho b!tch and you'll be lucky to escape without being admitted to a hospital for mental exhaustion. The whole accusing you of cheating also reeks of a cheater accusing the faithful to ease their guilt. And a trip to "see the girls", that's a classic bullsh!t to be with the AP. If she had friends that wanted to see her that bad they could have come to see you both or called to see if you could bring her there.

You could feel hurt or take this as a blessing. You really are lucky you didn't have a child with this woman. It sucks to see things end like this, but you're going to be very relieved in the next few months of no contact when you wake up and don't have to please anyone but yourself.

How to Get Out and Stay Out Once You Realize You Are in a Relationship with Crazy | Shrink4Men
http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/03/08...-the-next-guy/
Should You Marry Her? Relationship Red Flags for Men, Part One | Shrink4Men

istherehope110

Thanks for the responses all.

Just to note we are both 31.

Here is what has happened so far. She closed our joint account, turned off the cable and internet. My landlord called me saying her father called and made up some sob story about how she wants off the lease because of the protection order. She is being guided by her parents. The bank branch manager here told me her father was with her at the bank as well... Sickening.

Strange thing is she never shut off my cell phone, which is in her name. I got a notification that the pin was changed but the phone still works.

Still have heard absolutely nothing. So crazy that someone who was so jealous of me, someone who would do absolutely anything for me, saying all the time how we were made for each other and would make beautiful children one day does this. Someone so emotionally needy... It's crazy.

I could sit and blame myself for being critical of her weight, and the petty arguments we had. However, that would be justifying INSANE behavior. There is no reason at all to lie about your personal safety, and make false accusations just because you're afraid of confrontation.

I am obeying the no contact order like a good boy. I have however filed for a hearing. If she doesn't show the order is removed. I need answers. After 3 years I deserve them. Even if it's, I hate your guts, you are a scumbag or I am simultaneously banging 30 other guys because you ignore me. Something, anything. I'm convinced the protection order was her fathers idea to absolve her from financial responsibility and having to be an adult and actually confront me like normal people as to why she's leaving. It's inhuman.

I don't really care at all on a romantic level, but we were really good friends in addition to the normal relationship stuff, none of this makes sense to me. That's the funny thing. I've had breakups where I was just heartbroken. Thinking I'd lost the love of my life. I never thought of this person as the love of my life, just someone I might grow old with because we relate so well together.