Pls help in writing letter to separated spouse
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Going Through Divorce or Separation » Pls help in writing letter to separated spouse

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 08-23-2012, 06:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Pls help in writing letter to separated spouse

Hello .. well I have started using this forum for advise and suggestions,, and they have all been great, however not sure if I should wait it out,, or just write a letter to make it easier ...... Heres a little synopsis on me: 3 weeks into separation .. I love my husband ,, however he's not sure of his feelings towards me anymore, 3rd time in 12 yr relationship stating he doesnt know if he loves me. we decided to separate, never thought he would leave, but he chose to... to sort out his feelings... did what im not supposed to sat.. begged, pushed, was getting too close,, he looked very uncomfortable when i got close to touch him and hug him .... felt desperate, never been in this situation ever.. i did wrong in doing so , however due to my pushing him, he told me he doesnt love me and doesnt want to save marriage, not even for our son.... I accepted it ,, and got upset, Naturally. packed all his stuff.. took off all pictures with him in them and put under the bed. he was shocked to see that,, he texted me ,, why was I angry, it not like i cheated on him" I told him ,, You chose deal with it. and keeps texting me, and i ended up calling him ,, and looked to me like there was hope after all .. he said he didnt mean that he didnt love me,, but he still doesnt know,, so feels llike we are back in square one. Now I feel like im the only one trying to make an effort to save our marriage, by giving him more time, helping him find a counselor, etc. but no effort has been put in his part. I texted and asked if he's made an appt. ,, and has not. I hate living like this,, im in limbo ,, will he come back to salvage what we have? is it over? i hate this and want closure..... Should I write a brief letter letting him know that its obvious he doesnt want to come back and to make it easier for him and have ME finish the releationship? I mean , I dont want to, but it takes two. and this is toooo much ... or should i back off and still give him all the time he wants.. this is killing me ... any feedback would be greatful at this point.. have a good day .
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pls help in writing letter to separated spouse

What are your faults? No one is perfect, so take this time to better yourself. Take up a hobby or something. You can't make his decision for him. If your ready to finish the relationship then do it. You said that your not though, so you need to leave him alone.

Think of it this way. Every time you bug him you add more time to him making a decision. What your doing is pushing him away right now.
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Old 08-23-2012, 09:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I really dont want to end it ... but yes ur so right .. I need to give him his space. but I dont get it ,, either you know u want to continue or not ...... how much time is needed??? I dont get it .. but I should respect his decision ... Thanks for your input jdlash.
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Old 08-23-2012, 09:10 AM   #4 (permalink)
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You don't have to like his decision, but you have to respect it. Right now the only love you have is unconditional. You have to choose if you want to love this man even when he is chopping your heart up into little pieces.

Go buy the book the love dare. I wouldn't reccomend doing the daily dares on him at this time because it would be to much, but it can open your mind up and you might find ways to support him more then you currently do.

Stop bugging him about IC too. He needs to make that decision for it to be effective.
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Old 08-23-2012, 10:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I am in the same position as you. My husband left only a week ago and it seems like months. I keep pushing to talk to him because I miss him so much, but he is just so angry toward me and every time I contact him, it turns into a big fight because I'm begging him to tell me anything to give me some hope. I feel your pain right now!
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Old 08-23-2012, 10:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pls help in writing letter to separated spouse

I did the letter thing... while she was glad it came from the heart.. it made no difference.

I wouldn't waste the paper or the typing on the Keyboard..

If you do.. don't expect anything in return..
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Old 08-23-2012, 10:48 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Im sorry your going through this as well specialplace... Hang in there,, it does get better in time...Why did he leave, if you dont mind my asking?
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Old 08-23-2012, 11:10 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pls help in writing letter to separated spouse

Hi! There is always hope in a relationship, and your situation sounds very hopeful. I would say don't jump to conclusions, don't assume the worst. Help your husband with his need to be separate right now, and let him think. Space needs to be there in any relationship, including marriage. I like other posts, that suggest you make the most of your separation for developing yourself. Examine parts of yourself that you like, versus what parts need working on. Your husband may be doing the same thing and will be also a better person for the experience!
Peace!
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Old 08-23-2012, 11:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I truly hope so Eldubya. I will respect his need to be seperated ,, its just that one thing I left out ..... when we said our goodbyes the day he left ,,, he had a grin ,, and stormed out .. that GRIN bugs me.. dont know what it meant,, what he was thinking..... Maybe a sigh of relief.. but then again ,, ill be assuming. only time will tell I guess.. Thanks Eldubya
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Old 08-23-2012, 11:52 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pls help in writing letter to separated spouse

Kathr,

There are 2 links in my signature. Read the 2nd one (DO YOU LOVE...)
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DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
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Old 08-23-2012, 04:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pls help in writing letter to separated spouse

Dear Kathr:
I understand about being bothered by the GRIN! My STBXH partied with all of his friends, insisting divorce is the greatest thing since sliced bread! And wanted me to go along to the parties with him!
We would have to be robots to have these things not bother us, and I rather suspect your husband is actually bothered too. All of us react to stressful situations in different ways--some of us actually smile and laugh (or party) when under pressure. Again, try not to assume the worst or jump to conclusions about any actions your husband demonstrates. Also, try to relieve your own stress--yell at your computer or scream into a pillow. Stuffing these emotions only leads to acute distress disorder or PTSD.
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pls help in writing letter to separated spouse

Oh God, writing a letter is the LAST thing you want to do. I know you love him and you mean well, but it's just going to end up a conflict over your wants not being what he wants. As much as it hurts you need to sit on this and give him another six weeks or so of silence and peace. He's laid down the boundaries and will respect you more if you follow his wishes.

You cannot make him love you, but you can allow him to respect you for giving him exactly what he wants which is freedom and space for both of you. And if you send him a letter I promise you won't get the warm response you're looking for. He will just be very cold and short, completely tell you off, or send nothing at all.... and I'm sure you don't want to get your hopes up for nothing do you?

Trust me, he's hurting too but neither of you will show it because you want the other one to see you in the most positive life. Take this time now to sort of deprogram from depending on him as much as before and work on enjoying yourself and loving yourself without him. That way when he does make contact, and they always do, you will be able to resist and psychological mind games and keep from chasing him away.

Don't send him a letter or make any kind of contact until he does. When he does make it short, don't invite him into your world, and return it when you have the time - never being to eager to make contact.
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