Wife told me today she doesn't love me anymore
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Old 08-25-2012, 09:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife told me today she doesn't love me anymore

Today had to be the worst day of my life. My wife and I have been separated for almost 3 months. The big reason for the separation is due to financial issues and what my wife calls lies and deceit from much earlier in our relationship that she continues to bring up.

We have a 12, 10 and 8 yr old. Our oldest is very aware of emotions and the struggles. My wife continues to say that she is thinking of the kids with the separation. I say she is only thinking of herself.

I have made the changes in my life in the last 3 months to show that I am willing to change. Yet, she says it is too little too late.

Our 15 yr anniversary is a week from Thursday. I love my wife dearly and I so desperately what this to work. While I have made the changes, and started seeing a counselor, she has just recently started and seems to be looking for someone to tell her it is okay to get divorced. I am not sure what to do next.

I am trying to do what my pastor has said which is to constantly show her love. I am just not sure what to do next.
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Old 08-25-2012, 09:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife told me today she doesn't love me anymore

You cannot change her mind no matter how much you would like to. Showing her love and telling her how badly you want this marriage to work will only make her push you further away. You have to follow the 180 to the T and not back out on your word or switch suddenly. If you love her let her have her way and show her you respect her decision.
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Old 08-27-2012, 12:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife told me today she doesn't love me anymore

Nsweet is right. Your pastor means well and is saying what seems to be the logical thing to do. Buit will only push your wife further away.

When your wife brings up the past, don't argue or try to explain yourself. Just say, "I'm not okay with that". Set the boundary . It is not all right for her to keep dredging up the past. If there are unresolved issues, suggest marriage counselling to help you both sort them out. But do not let her keep throwing them in your face. That solves nothing.

Take care of yourself by following the 180. The purpose is not to win your wife back, but to help you grow strong. You will bneed strength to get through this and your children will need your strength to help them through it.
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Old 08-27-2012, 08:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife told me today she doesn't love me anymore

Quote:
I am trying to do what my pastor has said which is to constantly show her love.
Your pastor doesn't know what he's talking about.

You need to take control of the situation (your situation) by showing your wife the consequences of her selfishness.

1. File for divorce
2. Stop financing her selfish choices
3. Start socializing with other females
4. Inform your wife that you'd like to keep things friendly, but if she doesn't cooperate you're going to hire the most expensive assh0le of a lawyer with your marital assets.
5. Stop talking to her (Completely). I know you have kids, but it's possible to go dark even with kids.

This is your chance to prove to yourself (and your selfish wife) that you are a strong human being who deserves unconditional love. If your wife is not willing to give it to you, you should stop allowing her to waste your time.

DO NOT LET HER DETERMINE YOUR DESTINY.
__________________
"Selflessness is just a lofty word for codependency, and it's dysfunctional" - Shari Shreiber

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
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Old 08-27-2012, 09:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife told me today she doesn't love me anymore

Unless your wife is in an affair fog, I would recommend against filing for divorce and starting to socialize with other women. There's a chance that it will shock your wife into stopping taking you for granted, but there's also a good chance that it will make her quit counseling, divorce you, and will make you appear like the bad guy to your kids.

I agree with Frostflower and Nsweet. You need to back off from trying to convince your wife that you love her. She knows that you love her, she knows what you want, so when you repeat it (even with the best intensions) it comes across like nagging to her.

Instead, do the 180 -- take care of yourself and your relationship with your kids, be cordial with your wife, but do not press to talk about the relationship (outside of counseling), do not talk about the past, do not tell her you love her.

I recommend reading "The Divorce Remedy" it has some good strategies for how to change up your approach to the relationship.

Who is your counselor? Is it through your church? Are you both in IC or are you doing MC? Do you think that your counselor is biased towards either reconciliation or divorce?
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Old 08-28-2012, 02:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife told me today she doesn't love me anymore

Don't show her love, it didn't work before. Starve her of the love. Give it somebody else and when she comes running flip her the bird. Seriously! women that leave because of money are not worth loving. It may be the fact she didn't love you, but loved her own lifestyle. If you are the same but her lifestyle is different than there is your answer.
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Old 08-29-2012, 05:18 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife told me today she doesn't love me anymore

this might sound strange to you but I have to ask: Do you know for a FACT that there is no other guy around?

It is my personal experience, the experience I have from reading posts here and the experience I gained from people around me that if a marriage is ended "asymmetrically" then it is almost for sure that there is an OM/OW, particularly so if one spouse stopps to put any effort into saving the marriage more or less all of a sudden...
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife told me today she doesn't love me anymore

My wife left me for my MIL. She then had an EA with one of the MIL's doctors. My takeaway from all of this: NC and 180. It is really hard. The hardest thing I have done in my life, but I think well worth it. I am free now. I am free of the wife's abuse and the whole family revolving around the MIL. I am free.
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Old 08-29-2012, 01:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife told me today she doesn't love me anymore

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Originally Posted by sadsingledad View Post
Today had to be the worst day of my life. My wife and I have been separated for almost 3 months. The big reason for the separation is due to financial issues and what my wife calls lies and deceit from much earlier in our relationship that she continues to bring up.

We have a 12, 10 and 8 yr old. Our oldest is very aware of emotions and the struggles. My wife continues to say that she is thinking of the kids with the separation. I say she is only thinking of herself.

I have made the changes in my life in the last 3 months to show that I am willing to change. Yet, she says it is too little too late.

Our 15 yr anniversary is a week from Thursday. I love my wife dearly and I so desperately what this to work. While I have made the changes, and started seeing a counselor, she has just recently started and seems to be looking for someone to tell her it is okay to get divorced. I am not sure what to do next.

I am trying to do what my pastor has said which is to constantly show her love. I am just not sure what to do next.
I feel for you and congratulations! You've won a free ticket to a new life!

Mad yet?

I had a guy say that to me and it completely changed my perspective and outlook. Here is what you can do. If you really love her make her right. You are a lousy no good son of a *****. Give her the divorce she so clearly wants and then make yourself right. Be the best father you can to your kids and value yourself enough to do the work you need to be better next time. This isn't about her more than likely it is about the life you built ending. She was an integral part of that and you want to save it. What if this is a good as it ever gets from here on out? What if staying together causes issues emotionally for the children and they can't have fulfilled loving relationships? Or what if is she truly is better of without you than with you? I mean really. Not because of what you have done or said, but because of who she chooses to be with you or any other man. What if she discovered that she's a lesbian and doesn't want **** anymore? That might make for an awkward marriage.

The point is the reasons are hers and she believes them. You aren't going to change them. No matter how hard you try and I'm confident you have. Focus on your work or working out or your kids or pottery or model railroading. Don't focus on your STBX who is done with you and doesn't see any value there.

GearHead

Last edited by gearhead65; 08-29-2012 at 06:49 PM.
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