Why is it that I can feel such strong animosity towards the posOW and I'm too easy to forgive STBXH? Even here, it's posOW. Why not posSTBXH?
Anyone else have this problem? After all, wasn't he the one who betrayed me? I feel almost violent towards her (a stranger) and with him, I melt and make all kinds of excuses.
How can I erase her from my mind? How do I stop giving her so much power over me?
Transferrance. Its easier to hate her than to hate your husband. Of you show the anger and rage to your husband, you fear losing him. So its just easier to transfer all that pain to the OW. But the truth is, this is ALL on your H. All of it.
Why is it that I can feel such strong animosity towards the posOW and I'm too easy to forgive STBXH? Even here, it's posOW. Why not posSTBXH?
Anyone else have this problem? After all, wasn't he the one who betrayed me? I feel almost violent towards her (a stranger) and with him, I melt and make all kinds of excuses.
How can I erase her from my mind? How do I stop giving her so much power over me?
Thoughts?
I couldn't have wrote this any better. I think in my place is her POSOW's first marriage she was cheated on by her husband. So she has used the poor victim me for the 15 years I knew her. So to do this to a man who was married with a child trying to work issues out is dispicable in my mind. She just manipulated an already hurt and confused man. She is dirt. She is a waste of a human being and for that, I despise her. I've been struggling with God on my feelings for her the past week. To me, I feel I am part to blame and I believe he was easily influenced while vulnerable. So I blame her more.
Transferrance. Its easier to hate her than to hate your husband. Of you show the anger and rage to your husband, you fear losing him. So its just easier to transfer all that pain to the OW. But the truth is, this is ALL on your H. All of it.
I don't believe this fully. She is a POSOW for messing with a married man. He may be largely at fault but it is not all on him.
Yes, Sad. I agree. In my case, posOW admitted to seducing him. He was depressed and in a very vulnerable state and she knowingly took advantage (not that he is not at fault). What really irritates me is that on a couple of occasions she had the nerve to tell me that she "respects" me.
I do think it's easier to hate her than the man I married, but isn't she also at fault for betraying womanhood and violating a marriage?
I don't believe this fully. She is a POSOW for messing with a married man. He may be largely at fault but it is not all on him.
I agree she is a POS wholeheartedly i agree. But ultimately, she wasnt married to you. She didnt pledge vows to you. He did. So, i believe that 99.9% of the fault lies with the offending spouse.
I know you are angry and you have every right to be. I just hope you will not misplace the anger so far in her direction that your husband ends up on easy street...... See what im saying.
well yes it takes 2 to tango so she has 50% and yr husband has 50% the fact of the matter is that he is the one that went outside of the marriage so between you and him he is 100% to blame moving forward I would suggest going to MC and possible IC to address these issues with your marriage have you made a decision about what direction you would like to go in ?? meaning do you want to stay married or Divorced ??
Yes, Sad. I agree. In my case, posOW admitted to seducing him. He was depressed and in a very vulnerable state and she knowingly took advantage (not that he is not at fault). What really irritates me is that on a couple of occasions she had the nerve to tell me that she "respects" me.
I do think it's easier to hate her than the man I married, but isn't she also at fault for betraying womanhood and violating a marriage?
Absolutely at fault....why according to this board as I am learning she is a POS. Just control your anger. Just like in Star Wars, Anakin didn't control his, and what did he turn into? You are better than her. Besides, messing her up doesn't get you anywhere....I beat myself up over kicking her butt and that was because she pulled a gun on me. It only made me like her. You are BETTER than that.
You can't ever erase her or the betrayal from your mind, unfotunately and you will never learn to love the OW/OM. That's just how it works. They will always be a source of pain/hatred/anger for you.
When you rigger, try to redirect your thoughts elsewhere. Sorry.
I will always have enduring anger and yes, even hatred, for the woman my husband has his EA/possible PA with. She knew me, and she knew our young daughter. She acted like she was our "friend".
When I emailed her to tell her that her relationship with my husband was harming my marriage and that I wanted her to stop seeing him, she responded with anger. "No one tell me what to do." Man, what a b**ch.
My STBXH is no longer involved with her. But that doesn't really matter to me. In my memory, she will always be the one who ruined my child's family life. If I were ever to run into her, I would have a hard time restraining myself from pulling a pen from my purse and ramming it into her eye.
It's a normal reaction, I think. I go back and forth and feel a lot of anger towards both of them. Especially her because she knew he was married with 2 young children and she pursued him anyway. Even after she knew I wasn't OK with them communicating, she couldn't leave him alone. But at the same time, he couldn't either. At times I'm not sure what to think or feel.
"Fear is the path to the dark side...I sense much fear in you."
-Yoda
Isn't it funny how art, imitates life. The only thing that will give you power over this is to Forgive them. OM/OW are not the problem. A marriage where one spouse is fooling around isn't the problem (those are called open marriages). The problem is your relationship with your spouse changed and they didn't tell you. Or they told you and you don't like it. Fear is clouding the issue and creating anger and resentment.
"Holding onto resentments is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”
-Carrie Fisher a.k.a. Princess Leah
You're hurt. It is completely understandable. I am too, but pointing a finger is only going to bite you in the ass. Nothing happened to you. They didn't take a dagger and stab you in the heart. Though it does feel like that at times. They chose to be with someone else. If you really do/did love them and you did want them to be happy shouldn't you be wishing them well? If they are going to be in your child's life (and you should encourage that for your child if this is their only major flaw), don't you want it to be a happy one?
I know what some of you are thinking, "But it isn't Fair!" Nope, it never is. Life doesn't come with a fairness setting. You take your heaping pile of **** and make something worthwhile and meaningful out of it. That is the true measure of your life, do you seek to destroy or create with what you are given. Its a hard choice for all of us.
It's funny... my stbxw is the posOW to the pos OM's pregnant girlfriend. But she is the mother of our 4 children so I find I have to forgive her. Was she vulnerable or dumb or cold or what? Will never really know but my kids deserve 2 parents raising them and we can't do that if we can't converse. So I forgive her and hate the pos.
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The OW/OM 
